Bret Michaels Breaks My Heart: ROL 2 Recap: Episode 3

I must confess that I’ve been unable to watch a new full episode of Rock of Love. I keep catching it 28 minutes in and I don’t have tivo or any of that fancy crap so I must make do one what I saw.

By CC Staff

Shall we?

I am happy to have missed Lacey’s return. I hated her so much that I carry those stank feelings into the new season. Didn’t they roller derby in the last season? I’m sure. Clearly the objective for each team in the Season Two derby is to protect the baby in the stroller and whichever team incurs the least amount of damage on the plastic doll wins a date.

So blah blah derby and the team with Trantastique, Inna, Aubry and Ice Princess Kristy Joe wins. The first three get a group date with Bret and KJ gets a private date.

I heard that Bret took the first three to a burlesque club where they each had to do sexy dance and I use the term sexy very loosely. I’m sure that Inna rocked it; I don’t know how Aubry measures up. And I know that Trantastique not only got naked, she got in trouble for it. I. Love. This. She-man.

When I tuned in again, KJ is crying in the bathroom and the vultures are calling her fake. They just hate her because she’s the best looking one in the house. I like that Aubry returns from the date and tries to console her. That makes her cool in my eyes.

The next morning, Big John brings a note that informs the girls that TWO are going home that night. Big John’s not looking quite as big as he did last season. I wonder if he gets any side lovin’.

For her date with Bret, KJ decides to do a BBQ at the house, which is nice in theory, but is also the dumbest thing that she could do. The vultures and their VIPness will hover.

And I call it: Daisy and Destiney (with names like these, how has it not come out that these two are strippers?) plot to ruin the date. But then I don’t care because Kristy Joe reveals to Bret that she is still legally MRS. Ice Princess. WHOA. And then The Miss-Needs-to-Start-Wearing-Shirts-Destiney VIP train rolls in. Balls. Bret clearly doesn’t want to be interrupted, especially after KJ dropped the married bomb.

(OH, sidebar: I hate Megan; the sound of her voice makes me want to toss my TV out of the window. Thanks to my friend, Tricia, I’ve learned that Dumbass Megan is a reality show whore. Nice “Beauty and the Geek 2” appearance, which makes me hate her even more.)

I love what when Daisy rolls up to interrupt the date that Bret is onto their VIP game and tells her that he’d like to continue his date. Bret’s worried that KJ isn’t strong enough to handle the hoes and KJ’s ice princess exterior cracks with tears.

While I like Roxy because she’s not skanky and seems cool, especially for taking the highroad and not riding the VIP sabotage train – she should have used the pass. Bret’s not seeing her pretty normal outtakes.

Date ends and Daisy cries half naked to Bret and I can’t figure out how old she is to have had as much plastic surgery as I think that she’s had. I’m worried that Ice Princess Kristy Joe will be the Rodeo of this season. Just not as crazy. Or wrinkled.

Elimination time: all I care about is who is leaving because I can’t guess who it will be. When it’s down to Kristy Joe, Trantastique and Roxy, it’s clear that Roxy is going home. There’s no way that Kristy Joe is actually going home…but my Trantastique! If I’d been in the house, I would have spent a lot of time with Trantastique, quizzing her about what I’m guessing is her amusing life.

And Bret eliminates Trantastique.

I am bereft. Bewildered. Bemused. She never got to have sex wis Bret in zee pool. What will become of her? (Him?)

How does one get eliminated from “Rock of Love” for getting too naked?

I knew that she wouldn’t win, but come on, keep her around for a little while longer. Jessica is boring as all get out – why keep her instead?

Oh and Roxy goes home, too, for not utilizing her VIP pass.

I can’t tell you what happens next time as I can’t hear anything over my sobs.