Heidi Montag Takes it “Higher”, I Can’t Stop Laughing

Like Sarah Silverman, Heidi Montag is a comedienne. She’s got to be, because there is really no other way to explain why she is desperately reaching for a music career and releasing her music video “Higher.”

I wasn’t going to watch it for fear of losing my lunch, but let me break it down for you: remember that Paris Hilton video for “Stars are Blind”? Yeah, this is way, way worse.

When I hit play, I expected to fight the urge to scratch at my eyes or duck for cover if that chin got too close, but 37 seconds of beach frolicking, overly engineered pop sounds and then Heidi’s breathy voice instead caused uncontrollable laughter.

I missed about 40 seconds of the video because I couldn’t stop laughing, but I didn’t miss much.

Because the whole freaking video is this girl and her saline sandbags in the bikini. When she’s not laying on her back or on all fours, she’s doing these weird “Fosse” moves with her gigantic hands and I know that Jack from “Will and Grace” would be all ‘oh, no, honey’ over it.

I sincerely hope that she’s holding back her best moves for her dance battles at Les Deux or Goa or LAX or wherever these people go.

At 2:02 in, when she starts straining to sing higher and I feared that blood would pour from my ears, I became desperate for Evil Spencer to make an appearance so that I could forget my pain. But he’s probably the ass behind the camera phone that’s recording this monstrosity of a video.

By the way, this was released so very closely to February 1 – the birthday of none other Ms. Lauren Conrad. And no one in the history of the world has given their nemesis a better gift. The gift of giving them to opportunity to laugh at you while the rest of the world points and laughs along, too.