Pipe Cleaning & PinUps: ROL 2 Recap: Episode 4

VH1 was smart – rather than being trounced by the Super Bowl in the ratings (because I would have been the only one watching Rock Of Love), they made me wait a week so that I could properly heal from the blow of losing Trantastique.

…And to learn the surprising news that Daisy has probably slept with Bret. And by surprising I mean like the total opposite of surprising.

I can’t believe that she waited a whole three days.

Anyway, the house rumor that starts Episode Four is that Daisy and Bret did IT. I don’t see why everyone’s making such a big deal about it since she’s probably not going to be the only one who sleeps with Bret before this mess is all over. I laugh at my Ice Princess Kristy Joe’s camera-emphatic “Skank!” and applaud Aubry’s stretch Escalade confrontation.

This week’s challenge: the girls will be split into two teams to build a motorcycle. The lead mechanic wins a solo date, the other team members get a group date and the losing team’s head mechanic has to clean Bret’s bike with a toothbrush. Whiskey voiced Peyton is excited. Yawn. I’m not. Seriously, I’m so close to done with these annoying chicks, except for Inna, because I want to get drunk with her, and Kristy Joe, because I just like her for no good reason.

This not-so-delicious-looking guy with a deliciously hot accent will oversee the two teams but all that matters is that Inna’s leading team black, Peyton’s leading team pink and this guy has many tattoos and a nice accent.

Can someone explain to me why there are so many exposed bellies for the bike building? Stupid Megan says that she only cares about looking good in this challenge. Good strategy, stupid. But really – can’t anyone put on a shirt and just let it hang as it should? No? Sigh.

One of the girls should go after Tattooed Accent Man and his Mohawk. I love him. I’ll spare you the boring details and tell you that team black wins and Inna and Bret ride off on the newly completed motorcycle to go on their date.

Daisy, Aubry, Megan and Ambre win the group date. Because Destiney was such a dumbass in the challenge, she has to help Peyton “clean Bret’s pipes” with a toothbrush. Must she’ll wear a bikini to do it? And the double entendre is so far from clever. Stop with the pipe cleaning.

While Bret and Inna have their date and Peyton and Destiney clean, Aubry freaks out because Bret didn’t kiss her good night the night before because he’s subliminally not attracted to her. Uh, sweetheart? I’m sure that he’s pretty aware of how not attracted he is to you.

Aubry is so distraught about her attractiveness factor that she pulls Bret away from Inna and the girls who’ve just cleaned his bike to confront him and it is during their talk that Aubry utters the single funniest line ever spoken on reality TV: “I’m a karaoke host, okay? I know people.” She said that. OUT LOUD.

Bret doesn’t like Aubry’s nagging but I love it. This little talk is going to get Aubry kicked off with the “Let me go if you’re not feeling this.” Yeah, he’s not feeling this.

Aubry and KJ talk – and KJ, why are you crying again? And why are you there if you’re still married to your SECOND husband?

KJ gathers the girls together because she’s torn about staying. Uh – so why are you asking them? 1) They don’t want you there and 2) They can’t concentrate on anything for more than 72 seconds because their thoughts wander to when they’re getting their next drink.

Ambre points out that KJ’s krying is indeed krazy because she’s been in the house for five days. Krying KJ goes to Bret’s room. Ugh. Krying, kids, house, dogs, husbands…Bret’s actually willing to deal with emotional baggage. So Bret can handle pretty KJ and her immense baggage but not Aubry’s talking. Or her face.

(Side bar: Bret’s eyeliner is always perfect. One of the dates should consist of him giving tips because I can really learn a thing or six from Bret since I don’t know how to wear eyeliner properly and he’s got two decades of experience.)

Next day: group date. Bret planned a 50s pinup photo shoot. I think it’s a cool idea – I’d like to rock a Marilyn Monroe shot and I start planning my outfits when Megan’s stupid voice cuts through the reverie, “I don’t want to look like I’m in my 50s.”

You know that she was the kid who had Velcro sneakers because she didn’t learn how to tie her shoes until she was 11.

Aubry wants a Bettie Page look; Ambre does a sailor girl thing. Bret LURVES Daisy and her anti-1950s silicone gel. After the pictures, the girls stay in their outfits to eat lunch with Bret and I’m so distracted by this move. I can’t eat if I’m not fully clothed; it just feels wrongs.

During the meal, Bret smack-talks KJ saying that karma will bite her in the ass and that he knows that there are fakes in the house. Does anyone understand the concept of karma anymore? If you do, can you call Bret and tell him? I’m too busy recapping his sh!tty show and trying not to sound like the biggest bitch ever while doing it.

OF COURSE Aubry tells KJ and KJ kommences krying. She konfronts Bret but it’s not nearly as exciting as I want it to be because they smooth everything over quickly. (I’m done using the K everywhere; it’s not fun anymore).

Eliminations. Finally. This show is draaaaaaaaging. Aubry kept her weird looking 50s photo shoot hair; weird because it doesn’t look right on her. On anyone else, it would probably be cute. Anyway, she’s totally going home because she’s not as genetically gifted as KJ.

Daisy gets the first pass because the lovin must be that good.

As he gives her the pass, Bret tells Megan that he’s not feeling anything from her. Dude, that’s because the stupid blocks it.

When the hell is boring Jessica going home? She looks like a fifth rate Jessica Simpson. And she doesn’t DO anything.

Down to KJ and Aubry. KJ, stop crying already.

And then

AUBRY SACRIFICES HERSELF.

WHAT?!?

You’ve known Kristy Joe for FIVE days. Enough time to bone Bret, but to become someone’s best friend? What kind of karaoke host worth her salt is that desperate for friends?

They both cry and I don’t mean to laugh – but, yeah, never mind, this is hysterical.

KJ cries for the 80th time and after Aubry makes her dramatic exit, Bret reveals the pass.

Aubry was going home anyway. HA! HA!

And I feel vindicated somehow when KJ and Bret make out.

Next week: Mud Bowl. Someone please knock Daisy out. And someone else distract Megan with long division so that she’ll be silent through the episode.