Lindsay Can’t Do Marilyn. Seriously.

Stripped down to a blonde wig and sheer pink scarf, a (dubiously) newly sober Lindsay Lohan was tapped by Bert Stern to recreate “The Last Sitting”, which was Marilyn Monroe’s iconic final photo shoot.

Stern, the original photographer of the 1962 shoot, sought out Lohan because he wanted a “controversial” star for his recreation, yet the result couldn’t be further from the original work.

Nice try, Mr. Stern, but there really is no one in Hollywood that could have done this unnecessary reshoot justice. You can’t even compare the two women. The only good movie Linds has done since “The Parent Trap” was “Mean Girls” and that had a lot to do with the fact that Tina Fey wrote it.

I want to take it seriously because I take Marilyn Monroe seriously, but these new pictures are absolutely devoid of meaning. “The Last Sitting”, was shot six weeks before Monroe’s death and has become representative of her career; “in them, we see an actress whose comedic talents were overshadowed by her sex appeal, a woman who is cannily aware of her pinup status.”

With Lohan – all I see is a bad wig and breasts that shouldn’t sag that much on such a young girl.

Lohan’s poor imitation lacks authenticity. Stern might see parallels between his two subjects, but using Lohan just sullies the vulnerability and sex appeal depicted in Monroe’s film; Linds’ eyes are utterly expressionless.

The only thing remotely provocative or alluring about Lohan’s photo shoot is the fact that she’s exposing her breasts. Like we haven’t seen that before.

And also, can anyone explain why the hell the little Lohan sister in the room with a naked Linds?

She’s getting the press that she wants and I’m sure that she thinks this is tasteful because of the subject matter and the photographer, but all that she’s really going to end up with is being on what will become the sticky pages in New York Magazine for some guys and a whole lot of criticism from everyone else.

Monroe may have been visibly drunk in some of her photographs but the raw emotion was undeniable. Despite the skin, you are drawn to Monroe’s eyes and knowing that those pictures were her final photographs only makes you study her face that much more. The nudity is secondary.

Stern should have left Marilyn’s iconic photographs alone and Lindsay should find a movie to work on soon that isn’t “Herbie the Love Bug” or “I Know Who Killed Me.”

Doing stuff like this, this, and now this spread doesn’t make you relevant Linds; it just makes you look sad.