Sex with Gene Simmons?

By Rob

Oh hells to the no!

Not sure if you have heard or seen, but Gene Simmons is the next in a long line of celebrity sex-tape stars. The video, which I watched segments of, could be THE most awkward piece of video I have seen since Zack Efron started kissing girls on film.

I will set the scene for you (why? Because I’m evil like that):

Imagine some aspiring 20 year old blonde model wearing a bustier. Now, give her big sloppy boobs and have her wear the bustier incorrectly – ok…done. As for Gene, have him wear a t-shirt and jeans. Now, make his d**k shorter than his tongue, put his pants around his ankles and leave the t-shirt on. Alrighty, the characters are in place.

I am not a tiger in the sack by any stretch of the imagination, but if I were video taping it – I would put on a show. Gene and his little gene have come up with the most boring sexual escapade imaginable.

At certain points, I thought the dude was going to pass out from the minimal exertion he was doing. There are a couple of points where the young lady “performer” is on top, maneuvering herself so she is putting no weight on him at all. Look Gene, if a girl is going to give you the ego boost to jump in bed with you, the least you can do is let her rest some weight on your tired ass! I mean really, this poor chick was working at making this happen, and Grandpa Kiss was just there to watch.

The whole thing made me wonder – when will this whole sex tape fad end? At the very least, when can we get some A-listers to start joining in? When Brad and Angelina decide to make a tape, I will buy a ticket, popcorn and some sour patch kids because that will be a show. Two of the most beautiful people on the planet getting it on; I am in.

If you want to watch two no-names have sex, that’s easy enough to find on almost any website or porn shop, but if you are a D-list actor/actress grasping onto your obscurity – why in the hell would you go through the sex tape process?

(If you are still morbidly curious, you can check out the Gene Simmons Sex Tape here- Caution NSFW)