Bathroom Neurosis: Not Wanting to be THAT GIRL

February 23, 2008 - 1:00 pm By Jess - NYU

So I’ve got this issue, and I wonder if it’s just a me issue (I tend to have a lot of those), or more widespread.

A couple of times a week, I work at this real fancy office. All high rise, and gold leafing, and Prada shoe stores on the bottom floor. I mean, I had to go shopping for clothes just to feel non-stupid walking into this building. It’s fancy. Midtown New York. Sometimes I even think I see famous people walking the hallways…but I think anyone in a well-pressed suit or 4 inch heels is famous.

Anyway, the fanciness of the building is not my issue. The issue is that in the office where I work, there is only one bathroom. And this bathroom is off a small hallway that is right off of the main receptionist’s (except it’s a guy. Do you call a guy a receptionist?) desk.

Now, I have not been at this place very long, and I’m pretty sure most people still don’t know my name. The point being, it’s not an unfriendly atmosphere, but I’m not exactly walking around in slippers and talking about recent (or non-recent, as is more likely) sexual exploits around the water cooler.

So like, when I have to pee–or, even worse, more than pee–I feel radically uncomfortable and totally talk myself out of using the bathroom until A) I can’t deny my body any longer or B) the day ends and I can rush home and lock the door behind me.

I know it makes no sense for a free-spirited, strong willed, confident feminist like myself to have a total bathroom neurosis, but that’s what I have. A bathroom neurosis. And it blows. Because I drink a lot of water and coffee.

…And sometimes the bakery I pass on my way to work has killer cranberry-bran muffins calling my name from the storefront window.

My rational brain knows this restroom worry makes no sense (when you gotta pee, you gotta fucking pee!), but I’m still totally afraid of being that new girl who everyone can hear peeing or spraying air-freshener after the toilet flushes. I mean, even though a little potpourri can cover up the remnants of a post-bran muffin visit, the next person who walks in there still knows you sprayed Oust in there for a specific reason.

Plus, I feel like being a chick only makes this issue worse. Society is totally okay with dudes pooping. Guys walk freely into dorm bathrooms. whistling and holding newspapers. They make jokes about it afterward. Which they share with you. So a guy walking out of a-just-sprayed-room (but let’s be honest, how many of them would really think to spray?) is totally acceptable, but a girl…?

To a lot of people, the idea that women have bodily functions completely wrecks the balance of life.

So, yes. I have a bathroom neurosis. And it makes me feel all weak and dirty inside, but I can’t seem to fight it. I think maybe what I need is advice. Or other funny bathroom fear stories. Or calm, gentle words to tell me to stop being such a sissy ass.

So let’s hear it!

M says:
Sat, 23rd Feb 20082:08 pm

Believe me, I completely understand! I totally had that problem a few summers ago when I did an internship at this one magazine. The office was in a loft (read: loft apartment building) that was converted into a office building, which meant that there was an open space (where everyone had a desk, not a cubicle) and there was one bathroom (like a bathroom in an apartment) for 10 people. I really had no issue when I needed to pee. Whatever if I have to pee every 10 minutes that’s my business, but I could not bring myself to poop there, every time I had to do that I went across the street to a Panera or McDonalds, which was really annoying

But seriously, having an office and only bathroom (or one men’s room and one’s women’s room with one stall) is dangerous because hell, what happens if the office orders lunch and everyone get food poisoning? You’re fucked!

eva says:
Fri, 29th Feb 20084:59 am

hahah this is funny

i’ve worked at places and lived in really close quarters with groups of women and we were almost proud if we “blew up” the bathroom for the next person. we were bad

e says:
Fri, 29th Feb 20086:42 pm

ahahh I totally know where you’re coming from. I lived in a dorm my first year and a half of college and there were times when I KNEW it wasn’t gonna be dignified, and so instead of using MY OWN BATHROOM, which connected to another room, I would run down three flights of stairs to use the out-of-the-way public restroom.

After a few months, I found out the girl in the adjoining room had been doing the same thing. Because you can totally hear what’s going on in that bathroom, and it’s just mortifying.

Janers says:
Sat, 1st Mar 20083:26 am

I ALWAYS run water to cover up “bathroom noise”.

Did you know:

In Japan they actually have toilets that have a sound blocking/music feature

Jules says:
Sun, 2nd Mar 20084:16 pm

I have this problem too! I’m in high school, and the auto shop classroom (read: HOTT HOTT HOTTY HOTT HOTT GUYS) is RIGHT NEXT to the girls’ bathroom that’s closest to most of my classes. I usually run 4 flights of stairs down to the basement where no one ever is during lunch. I know I shouldn’t worry about it, empowered women and all that, but I still do. At camp (all girls) I’d never worry about it but at school I’ll just use my bathroom at home, lock the door, and wash my hands for a really long time with antiseptic soap.

Laurie says:
Wed, 5th Mar 20082:39 am

I can’t say that I feel you on this one. When I was in high school, if I had to do the number 2, I would go into a bathroom (usually very very crowded) and do my business. I found it to be very hilarious to hear all of the girls screeching in disgust and running the fuck out of there as quickly as they could.

Now, at work, I do it for a totally different reason. I work in a factory and I’m the only girl on the floor, so I have to go to the women’s restroom located in the front office. I have no problem using the restroom because I hate the fact that most of the people in that office make more than I do (I know that’s bad), some of them are assholes, AND they fired my boyfriend for a very shitty reason. So on a few occasions, I left the door to the bathroom open, turned off the fan, and “forgot” to spray. I would feel bad, but all of the nice office workers work furthest from the bathroom door. Hehe.