Sex Toy Shopping Pt. 1: Best of Show

Breaking news: orgasms are fun. They’re so much fun, in fact, that the pursuit of orgasm is responsible for the vast majority of irrational human behavior, from the continued popularity of Jessica Alba to the purchase of clothing from American Apparel. (Dov Charney’s top secret marketing strategy: “Dude! Buy some ethically produced hologram pants! We’ll totally get you off.”) Yet, according to the 2000 Orgasm Survey, 72 percent of women have faked an orgasm at least once in their current or most recent relationship.

This, ladies, is unacceptable. If you’re faking, then not only are you depriving yourself of some much-needed enjoyment, you’re keeping your partner from learning what makes you tick. (The 2000 Orgasm Survey also revealed that 55 percent of heterosexual men thought their girls always reached orgasm. And why shouldn’t they? They’re used to the sound of our LIES.) The only good reason to fake orgasm is that you haven’t yet learned what you like. And we can take care of that problem. Yes, indeed.

Come along, gentle reader, as we browse the aisles of the pro-lady sex store Babeland, and point out the best of their stock. No two people come alike, but, having done substantial research in the Land of Babes, I can safely say that these toys are both popular and well beloved. If you’re looking to figure out your body, these are a good way to start.

HITACHI MAGIC WAND

The Hitachi Magic Wand is the vibrator equivalent of the Ramones: fast, noisy, and very excellent. It’s an extremely intense vibrator, designed to be used on the clitoris. Just point the foam ball towards your crotch and go to town. (If it’s too much when placed directly on your skin, you can use it through a blanket or underwear.)

Its fans say that it can get them off in minutes. For that reason, it’s very popular among folks who are just learning how to come. For many people, it works when nothing else can do the trick.

LUMINA WAND

Ah, the g-spot. For those not in the know, the g-spot is a sensitive knob of tissue on the upper wall of the vagina, near the bladder and behind the pubic bone. It feels kind of like a squishy walnut. That’s not the hottest image in the world, but locating that kernel of goodness can do all sorts of fantastic things for your life.

This is where the Lumina Wand comes in. It’s curved to hit that upper wall, and it’s made of hard acrylic, which is good, because toys with smooth, firm textures are the g-spot’s favorite friends. Slide the curved end inside, and use the handle to rock it up and down. Odds are, something special will start to happen.

When you’ve located your g-spot and figured out what it likes, you can have an entirely new kind of orgasm – which means that you’ll have not one, but two ways to avoid your midterms. You can thank me later.

LAYA

Yes, yes, you’re saying, but I live in a damn dorm room. I can’t have all these various wands strewn about. To which I say: put them in your sock drawer, lady. And get a Laya. It’s a palm-sized adjustable vibrator that’s surprisingly strong, quiet, and easy to hide. It’s also splash-proof, which means that you can sneak it into the shower for extra privacy.

It’s designed primarily to be used on the clit – for which purpose it is quite effective – but some folks report that the hooked shape comes in handy for g-spotting fun.

RABBIT HABIT

See this? This is why some straight guys get nervous about vibrators. It’s a genius design that does, basically, things that no human can manage, unless s/he’s some kind of sex robot from the future. The shaft twirls to hit your g-spot, the pearls stimulate the sensitive area around your vagina, and the bunny vibrates against your clit. It’s a vibrator for all seasons. If it could discuss Germaine Greer, I would marry it.

Bonus point: our wedding pictures would be totally adorable. Whereas some vibrators look like David Cronenberg props or arcane medical instruments, the decidedly non-threatening Rabbit Habit comes at you with a happy little bunny. The only way this could be cuter would be if it were full of rainbow glitter.

What’s that you say? Some models are full of rainbow glitter?

I rest my case.