Sex Toy Shopping Pt. 2: Horror In Latex (NSFW)

Sex toys are great. They’re empowering. They’re sexy. They help you

to figure out your body and have more fun, alone or with a partner.

Yes, sex toys are a blessing for us all.

Except when they aren’t.

Sad to say, not all sex toys are invented by brilliant Swedish feminist engineers who work with an eye toward improving society one orgasm at a time. Some of them – many of them, in fact – are designed by scary cheeseballs with a limited sense of anatomy and the sensibility of a coked-up frat brother. That is to say, some of them are ugly, ill-functioning, and just plain gross.

When you go sex toy shopping (which you ought to) odds are high that you may encounter some of these terrors. Hopefully, you’ll have researched the subject at a reliable, pro-girl website – like, say, babeland.com – and will know enough to steer around them. But, to further assist you in your shopping choices, I offer this column, dedicated to the worst of the lot.

Check out the NSFW Latex Sex Toys after the jump

JENNA JAMESON’S DREAM DONG

Mere words cannot describe this thing. Even a photograph won’t really do it. For you see, the Jenna Jameson Dream Dong glows. It’s full of multi-colored fiber-optic lights. When you turn on the vibrator at the base, these lights shimmer and change colors, thereby turning your humble vag into an enchanted Christmas wonderland. Also, the whole thing is made of some futuristic material called “UR3,” which is supposed to feel like real human flesh. Because, you know, realism is important when it comes to glowing, translucent, vibrating dicks from space.

RUBBER COCK RING

So, the purpose of a cock ring is to cut off circulation to a penis. Some people enjoy the feeling, or report that it helps them to last a bit longer in the sack. Also, the purpose of a cock ring is to cut off circulation to a penis. If you keep it on for too long, you’re looking at one unhappy weiner. Knowing this, why on earth would you choose to imprison your lover’s business in what is essentially a tiny rubber band? When you put this thing on, it’s on for good – which means that, if emergency strikes, you may find yourself reaching for the kitchen scissors.

Sources recommend against buying this for your special someone, unless you’re cool with being remembered as “that girl who crushed my junk” for all eternity.

PETER NORTH EJACULATING DILDO

Okay, first of all: the balls. I have nothing against balls. If you have them, I’m sure they’re a lot of fun. However, I don’t really feel the need to purchase a hyper-realistic ball sculpture that I can keep around the house. I just don’t get that much out of looking at testes.

With these aesthetic objections duly noted, I must go on to tell you that the real horror of the Peter North lies in its functionality. It squirts. Much like the Booze Bra, it’s designed to conceal a pouch full of fluid, which you can squeeze to simulate… well, one of two bodily functions.

Some recommend filling the Peter with milk, but the possibilities are endless. You could do tequila shots out of this thing. And, if you’re Steve-O, you probably have.

FLESHLIGHT

OH DEAR MOTHER OF GOD NO.

The Fleshlight may look like a prop from Naked Lunch, but its real origins are far more sinister. It was invented by a married, sexually frustrated policeman, as a device for “discreet sperm collection.”

Again: there’s nothing wrong with sperm. In my experience, boys like ejaculating almost as much as they like Stephen Malkmus. But collecting that sperm in a bucket seems to stretch the bonds of sanity.

I mean, think about cleaning this thing.

No, on second thought: don’t.

But hey, here’s a sexy thought: the next time you meet someone attractive, and begin to entertain the notion that you might want to touch his penis, consider the fact that, at some point in his life, he may have put it in one of these.

That mental image alone should keep you at home with your Rabbit for the next few weeks. All things considered, you’re probably better off.