We’re F*cking Matt Damon: Affleck’s Downward Spiral Continues

By Ccandysarao

The votes are in, and it’s clear: Sarah Silverman is, indeed, living out all of our dreams.

For those of you who haven’t checked YouTube or read gossip blogs or engaged in casual conversation, or, I don’t know, LEFT THE ISOLATED LOG CABINS YOU’VE APPARENTLY BEEN LIVING IN for the past several weeks, the story is as follows: Sarah Silverman gifted her boyfriend, Jimmy Kimmel, with a lovely music video entitled “I’m F*&king Matt Damon.”

It’s pretty much what you’d expect, although I think the sexually charged dance-off in the middle took us all by surprise. (Another surprise: brilliant, hot-as-hell Sarah Silverman is dating Jimmy Kimmel. Never has there been such a clear visual demonstration of the term “settling.”) Jimmy, not too shy to ride on his lady’s coattails, responded with “I’m F*&king Ben Affleck,” which may be the crowning achievement of his life to date, if only for the fact that it features a singing Don Cheadle.

Yet, singing Don Cheadle aside, most of you seem to feel that Jimmy has come out on the losing end of this deal. A recent CollegeCandy poll shows that, if given the choice, most of our readers would rather be making out with Matt.

Never have I felt such confidence in our readers.

Let’s break it down, shall we?

In 1997, two blandly good-looking yet relatively underexposed young actors won an Oscar for Best Screenplay. They pranced up onto the stage like golden gods, beaming and waving their statues around and generally just acting with such unrestrained joy that you’d swear their dream dates just asked them to the prom. You loved it. Your mom loved it. Your dog loved it. I mean, they were young and handsome and BFFs 4-Eva! And such talented writers, to boot! Surely, the coming years would hold nothing but triumph for these men.

Then one of them made “Gigli.”

It’s not that simple, of course. A quick look at their IMDB pages shows a startling tale of parallel lives. Matt took challenging roles, consistently stretching his range and working on his craft, while Ben descended into the gaping maw of blockbuster whoredom – and not the GOOD kind of blockbuster whoredom, either.

Matt made good use of his all-American looks and aura of damaged innocence in “Saving Private Ryan.” Ben Affleck sucked animal crackers out of Liv Tyler’s stomach in “Armageddon.”

Matt played a sexually ambiguous, quietly tormented killer in “The Talented Mr. Ripley,” and took on the complexities of the role so well that you found yourself actually sympathizing with his actions (and not just because he beat Jude Law to death with an oar). Ben stood around and looked pilot-y in “Pearl Harbor.”

Matt did “The Bourne Identity,” and “Ocean’s 11,” and various sequels, and “Syriana.” Ben did Jennifer Lopez.

Oh, and then Ben was the freakin’ Daredevil. Let’s move on from that memory, shall we?

Looks and charisma aside (personally, I’d pick neither – I’m saving my celebrity make-out time for Crispin Glover), it’s pretty clear why Matt is the better date. Going out with Matt Damon would be like meeting a pretty blond boy in a lame sports bar and then finding out that he’s doing his dissertation on Proust.

Going out with Ben would be like spending an evening with the guy who goes deer hunting with your cousin on weekends – you know, the one who can’t stop talking about what a big football star he was in high school, and how wrong it was that he never got a scholarship. Even if he’s handsome, you can’t kiss him, because you’re repelled by his stench of failure.

So, in summary, yeah: Sarah Silverman got the better deal. But then, Ben seems to be more Jimmy’s speed.