Why did you attract this person into your life? What was the lesson here? Did you by any chance do anything to precipitate it? (like smother them with your own issues, perhaps)

Feeling the victim is a comfortable thing, it allows us to preserve some ego. But does it really facilitate growth? Because genuine growth is what gets you closer to not having to go through it again.

The Vietnamese had a technique called “Speak Bitterness,” in which after an action they would all sit around and ruthlessly self criticize themselves and each other. These were run by equally ruthless facilitators who would guide and prod. In this way they were able to glean “Lessons Learned” like no one else and as a result were able to modify their approaches, perfect their actions and eventually drop kicked a world class superpower right out of their country.

There’s a lesson in that.

Also, you’re not always the ones who get dumped, we do to and it hurts (guys just might not be as adept at showing it). But I assure you that when the male body starts secreting enzymes and hormones that attack the major organs in the wake of a rejection, it is very real. (Mens Health, January I think)

My speak bitterness: I stayed in the blast area WAY TOO long. I should have RUN when I learned that: mom was a ruthless drunk, she had been in a cult after she left home, followed by a physically abusive marriage with a former member, blasted out of that to the other side and became a stripper, sleeping with half of DC, never finished anything, from law school to any number of plans we made, turned me into her therapist (which I allowed, wrong move), made living decisions that put distance and obstacles, one right after another, between ourselves and what she claimed she wanted, and generally led me on a never ending cycle of chase the tail, kiss and slap and “It’s all your fault.” (probably cheated on me too while she was at it) And THEN says, “This just isn’t working out for me,” followed by dead radio silence (when I could have used a friend out of the deal).

Gee…DO YA THINK? In retrospect, NOTHING ever works out for you. The self sabotage of the Chronic Abuse Survivor Syndrome and PTSD she walks around with practically guarantees this.

SIX YEARS down the drain. (yes, there are men out here who believe in committed LTRs)

Growth Experience and New Lessons: Never again will I allow my loyalty, faithfulness and compassion keep me in that kind of entangled mess again. What I feel now is MY FAULT. I sensed, on some instinctive level, that this was a mess that was going to blow up in my face and I ignored my feelings. SIX YEARS pi’sed away. “Yes honey, no, I understand, it’s OK…” like a broken record.

This was repeat lesson that I had coming in spades…failing to get it the first time.

So, before you start calling people douche bags, you might want to ask why the Universe put you on a collision course with so called DB in the first place. You just may have had some growing up to do and generally we only grow when forced to.

I EARNED how I feel right now. I earned it ten fold over…because I had been down this road before with the toxic, broken girl who I thought I was “helping.” (only this time little Ms. triple Libra is so slick and diplomatic, it always looked like there was some progress being made…but in the end it was all exposed as just chasing her tail in circles.)

I EARNED this because despite that, all the signs were there and I ignored them.

I will be far more cautious in the future.

Also, some self education might be in order, especially for you girls. Is this “Real,” a genuine “partnership” or am I just feeling deep, primal emotive triggers tied to evolutionary reproductive drives going off?

Learn thyself Grasshopper….read “The Game” by Niel Strauss. And the next time that “guy” makes you feel all funny like you do, ask…”Is this real or is it Mystery Method?”

You would be shocked at how easy it is to push your buttons. Attraction is not a choice.

(I had some catching up to do after the Mr. Nice Guy schitck of the last 6 years, but it was relatively easy to learn and apply)

…

OK I'm done

I know – oh, shut up, you old bat. But it's true. Word.