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Was Michelangelo Hot?
March 2, 2008 Posted in HaHa
I almost wish I lived in the 1500s so I could bang Michelangelo.
There, I said it, and I’m only a little embarrassed about it. I just returned from a two-week sojourn to Berlin and Florence, and the single most amazing thing I saw (and have perhaps ever seen) is Michelangelo’s sculpture of David.
Nothing has ever, ever made me want to get with somebody so much.
Until you see the sculpture in person, it’s easy to pass it off as a commodity. No picture can do it justice, and it’s hard to understand just how incredible it is without seeing it for yourself. The main thought going through my mind as I stood there looking at it, though, was, “Holy cow. How the hell could Michelangelo sculpt a man as anatomically gorgeous as this one? He must have used himself as a model, because the details are just too precise. Michelangelo must have been freaking hot!”
This might seem ridiculous, but trust me, it’s not. There are details on David that pictures just don’t show. The veins in the arms, the just-so rippling of the hip and thigh muscles, the soft framing of the bone structure in the hands…it’s all there, and I am convinced that no artist could ever create that kind of detail without using a reference. And when you’re sculpting a nude that’s the same sex as you are, the easiest reference to use is yourself.
Conclusion: Michelangelo must have been ripped.
In doing a little research about him, some sources such as Gay Heroes and The Raw Story provide persuasive evidence that he was gay, although Wikipedia suggests that he fell in love with a woman later in life. Though I wouldn’t really feel comfortable saying “it’s a shame that Michelangelo was gay,” there is a part of me that wishes I could zap myself back to the early 16th century and court him.
Until time travel is perfected, though, I guess I’ll just have to settle for staring at deeply inadequate pictures of the David and sighing poetically to myself.
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Alice says:
Mon, 3rd Mar 20081:50 pm
Can I take this opportunity to point out that you just wrote an article about how you'd love to do the horizontal tango with a hypothetical man whose penis is shorter than his nose?
Carly - Grinnell says:
Mon, 3rd Mar 20083:38 pm
And your point is…?
Look at those muscles!!
j says:
Mon, 3rd Mar 20084:42 pm
this is so art historically incorrect it's painful. and alice – if you haven't noticed most statue models, like most men, seem to be growers not showers.
Kate says:
Thu, 6th Mar 200810:21 am
Sorry to rain on your parade, but Michelangelo was pretty ugly, and highly tempermental. There's a small portrait of him on the Sistine Chapel as the flayed skin of St. Bartholomew (not a pretty sight). Other Renaissance geniuses like Donatello and Brunelleschi were known to be ugly, mean, hermits. Raphael was the cute one, and apparently quite a lady's man.
J - NYU says:
Thu, 6th Mar 200812:09 pm
I always liked Raphael the Ninja Turtle best.
Perhaps I subconsciously knew he was historically the hot one?
Carly - Grinnell says:
Thu, 6th Mar 20081:10 pm
This is so disappointing, you guys. Can't you just let me stay in my delusional bubble-world of hot-Michelangelo-ness?
ISIS says:
Thu, 23rd Apr 200912:48 pm
Michelangelo is so happy you all disregard a magnificent piece of art in favor of comments on 'muscles' and 'penis'. If you don't understand art, don't post.
Cynthia says:
Mon, 22nd Feb 20107:14 am
Yeah! I completely agree. Michelangelo was a positively remarkable sculpter and artist. They recently started an exhibition in Britain that displays Michelangelo's unpublished sketches (and poems.) They are absolutely divine looking… but most of the poems and sketches were drawn from his passionate love of another man. Either way, his Statue of David is the epitome of beauty (and skill!)
Rastapopouloss says:
Wed, 17th Mar 20106:28 am
Look Guys, the perception of beauty is Universal… You can't just judge one's taste for something just because you don't like it or whatever… As For Michelangelo, well artists are known mostly for their vision but not for their hard works… that statue is a masterpiece… the man was gay, SO WHAT??? Lets talk about what we visually can see, not what we visually can feel… anyone's appreciation for Art is welcomed…as long as it doesn't degrade the value of Art… anyway in the meantime, take care and Be happy!
jake says:
Sun, 5th Sep 20108:21 am
i think man! that sculpture is sexy! his sex organs are so fine! i just want to animate him and have sex with him in my room with us both naked! oohh yea baby!!!