Craigslist is Full of F&%cking Weird People: the Spelling-Impaired Stalker

In our first installment of Craigslist Is Full of F&%cking Weird People, we have a Missed Connection entitled “Angels & Butterflys – m4w”.

By Jess

And so. We start off with a spelling mistake.

I can’t believe I am even doing this, I doubt very much you would ever in a million years even look here! However, I have nothing to lose at all!

I see that you like exclamation points, sir. This is fine, but may I remind you that exclamation points often times make it seem like you are YELLING. Much like CAPS. You seem very EXCITED that your girl won’t ever see this IN A MILLION YEARS. You also HAVE NOTHING TO LOSE AT ALL. …Except maybe dignity. And your voice. From yelling so much.

We grew up together over various summers, seperated for 25 + years, then you fell into my lap over this past summer once again.

Your choice of words makes it seem like this chick actually fell into your lap. Was she drunk?

We had a great time in September, and a few other times during the MLB playoffs. Then things hit the fan as a result of emails and all – all my fault!

Perhaps she was drunk whenever you two hung out, and after you started sending her stalkerish emails, she freaked and ran away.

[Things] have been better recently, but its still not what I want or need.

See? That right there. That sounds a little stalkerish.

I know what you have told me, however, I am sorry I still need to see you.

Dude. That’s really stalkerish.

While lunch is nice every now and then, I need you in my life so much more and so much more than just lunch.

Still pretty stalkerish, but also confusing. You need her in your life so much more, but ALSO so much more than just lunch?

If I thought the hurt was bad in the past, I can not even begin to tell you how much it hurts now today. You mean so much to me. I try forgetting but can’t, we talk a little, we IM, but there is nothing like seeing you. I need to hold you so bad.

Okay. I can now see why this girl is avoiding you. Your middle name is Stalk.

You know who you are based on a few key words here. Who knows, maybe, just maybe you’ll see this.

But I thought you were excited that she wouldn’t ever see this IN A MILLION YEARS?!?

If you do, so I know its you, what was the top 10 moment we shared?

I may be wrong, but I’m gonna wager the top 10 moment you’re referring to had something to do with 1) a window to her bedroom 2) an unzipped fly and 3) her calling the cops.