Your Hot Tub Is Stupid: An Open Letter to My Ex

March 9, 2008 Posted in Other Stories

Dear Ex BF,

It has been awhile since we parted ways, but that doesn’t mean that I forgot all the things I wanted to say to you but never got the chance. You dated me long enough to know (well, if you ever stopped talking about yourself long enough to learn anything about me) that I always have to have the last word. Always.

So, here is my last word. Actually, quite a few of them.

I never really got the chance to say much during our three month relationship. Lord knows I tried, but it is hard to get a word in with someone who likes to talk about his greatness in all things from timing the traffic lights to fixing things to his sexual stamina. Well, my ex-pal, the only thing you were good at was convincing people you were good at everything else. Because I remember the time we almost died when you ran a red light, my dresser drawers that won’t close correctly since you “fixed them” and that one time we had sex for longer than 3 minutes….and you were hammered.

While we’re on the topic, let me just say that foreplay is more than just pulling off your own sweatpants and grabbing a condom. Maybe you were ready to go at the drop of a hat (as made obvious by the many times you pre-warned me that, “this may be quick.”), but we lady-folk need a little bit more attention. Perhaps you could have kissed my neck or, I don’t know, undressed me? I know that any form of physical contact brought the possibility of an even earlier climax for ya, but you could have at least tried.

I was exposed to so many new things when I was with you. Like Taco Bell, feigning interest in carpentry and fake laughter at horrendous jokes. I understand that you think you are funny, but you need to understand that I am funny. And so are my friends, my family and just about everyone I interact with. You didn’t know that, though, because you never let me tell a story, show you pictures, or even crack a witty joke. People around town find me quite hilarious, buddy, but not even your friends wanted to hear yet another one of your long and drawn out stories.

And, finally, let me just say that I do understand you being in serious debt from your student loans. I have plenty of friends in the same boat. I even didn’t mind hearing you bitch about how little money you had on a daily basis or even picking up the bill when we went to dinner. But when you decided to add to your $10,000 in credit card debt by installing an unnecessary hot tub in your back yard? Come on. There is nothing more unattractive than superfluous spending; except maybe that bachelor pad germ-fest you wasted your money on.

I know that you currently have a new woman – I couldn’t help but notice your obvious makeout session after spotting me at the grocery store last weekend – and that is wonderful. I am sure you two will be very happy together…until the long-distance thing ends and she realizes that the real thing isn’t nearly as good as you made it out to be. I will continue to enjoy my life as a single woman (with my new friend that can actually go all night long).

Best of Luck (at one of the many things you excel at),

Lauren

[Do you have something you'd like to say to That Ex? We want to hear it. Let it out, ladies. Let it ALLL out.]

75085 Comments2008-03-09+17%3A30%3A52Lauren+-+University+of+Michigan on "Your Hot Tub Is Stupid: An Open Letter to My Ex"

Andrew Hennessey says:
Sun, 9th Mar 20081:01 pm

I understand that this entire web page, and obviously this rant against the ex-bf, is for women, but as a member of the male species, I enjoy the occasional insight into a female perspective, especially the well-written and intelligent ones found at this website.

However, this post was frustrating, because I consider myself a nice guy (you know, the kind of nice guy that "always finishes last"?).

Why? Because this guy, who sounds like a jerk, still had a girl. And in addition to that, although it may not have been a great sexual relationship, it was still a sexual relationship which is more than some people can say on a regular basis.

And on top of this, from a readers point of view, it sounds like he got under your skin. I can appreciate you wanting the last word, but it looks like this was a response that he has found a new girl, and that stirred some emotions inside.

I will cut my rant short, because I can't say that had the shoe been on my foot I would have done differently, but while "nice guys" like me are passed over, this guy continues to be with women, and even after those women have moved on (and pretend to have learned a lesson), this guy still has a say, whether you want him to or not.

Christy says:
Mon, 10th Mar 20084:18 am

Here's the thing about nice guys ladies and gentlemen- they ALL claim to be nice guys…until they break up with you, cheat, get positively drunk and vomit on your favorite pink carpet, etc. Honestly, I've come to know that it's the guys who claim to be the 'nice guy' who a girl's gotta look out for, because the ones that admit they're assholes at leat have the decency to admit it and give you forewarning.

Carson Meyer says:
Mon, 10th Mar 200810:27 am

As another guy who actually reads this site, I kind of feel like that dude's post was just proven: for us guys who don't believe in cheating (and I mean EVER), at least try not to excessively drink, and are only looking for a girl who is willing to enjoy and partake in common interests, we have no chance.

It would be impossible for me to pretend that the general stereotype of guys as being horny and inconsiderate didn't have at least have a reason for existence, but what about other guys who believe that females should be respected as you would demand in return? Why is it all about games: who can have the best intro line at a bar or who looks the best standing across the room.

Nice guys don't always finish last, but they are generally over looked. For those of us with the dignity to look at women as something other than a piece of meat in the deli window, we aren't going to be the guys who take a woman home for a potential one-night-stand. But I am completely OK with that. It may take me longer to find the right situation and meet the right girl, but I know that when it is all said and done, the girl who appreciates me enough to take the time to get to know me, will be worth my while to get to know her……. isn't that the basis of a relationship in the first place?

J - NYU says:
Mon, 10th Mar 200811:03 am

Carson, Andrew…so glad you guys stop over and read.

Stay here long enough, and you'll be the nice guys who know EVERYTHING about women.

Anna says:
Wed, 12th Mar 200810:17 am

I like nice guys. =) The bad boys may get MORE girls, but I find that the nice ones have better relationships. And I think it's too bad more guys don't really try reading girl websites and magazines… they would learn all sorts of strange stuff. We're really not all that different from guys in the long run.

Andrew and Carson, I give you both GIANT ol' gold stars and wish you luck. Don't worry, the right girl for you won't be one who's interested in the bad boys anyway.

It's funny how every girl says they're looking for a nice guy and the nice guys wonder why they don't have girls. I smell an inconsistancy…

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