A Painfully Awkward First (and Last) Date, Part 2

[Click HERE to read the first installment. Seriously…it’s worth it…)

By K

After he walked me to the door of his apartment, I was left to walk of shame it on home. Which was about seventy blocks away. The problem with this building was, I couldn’t navigate it. And so wound up getting off on the wrong floor and taking the first exit I found, trying to leave gracefully.

As soon as I left the elevator, I realized that this was not the right way out. To the doors I went anyway, but then… Click. I was locked in the vestibule. Too late. I sighed and opened the main door to go into a courtyard. Fine. I could see the street beyond the other apartment buildings in the complex.

But why was there a construction barricade in the way of the stairs?

Annoyed, I shifted said barricade to get by, then headed down the stairs to the pavement. Which was being torn up. Mud and grass everywhere, and construction equipment in the middle of this courtyard. And just between me and the street? Fencing at every single possible exit, all four of them. Wedged tightly enough against the red brick that I could not squeeze through, especially not in my winter-white jacket and dress/stiletto combination from the evening prior.

Did I mention that I was sober?

I called one of my friends and explained my situation.

“So, you’re lost? Do you want me to Google where you are… Wait, you’re lost in a courtyard?”

Yes. I was lost in a courtyard.

I was trapped, and I wasn’t exactly sure where within the apartment complex I was. I walked on the grass approximately three feet before my left foot sank, ankle deep, in mud.

“Noooooooo!”

My friend could only laugh as I whined and pulled out my foot, leaving my shoe behind.

“What do I doooo?” I moaned, digging for my shoe and shaking the mud out of it. I put my dirty foot back in my ruined stiletto and tried not to touch my white coat with my now dirty hand. Calling the date was definitely not an option. I could just imagine the conversation: “Hi… yeah, I’m locked in your courtyard…” It didn’t even sound believable to me and I was there. Hell no, he could think what he wanted of me without knowing that I was also a complete idiot.

I trudged to one fence and tried to see if I could hop it. No deal, not in a dress and the coat. I stood there, assessing it, hoping maybe it would shrink. My friend assured me that it wouldn’t. More moaning and whining. Time to be proactive.

I sloshed my way over to the last unchecked entrance, fifteen minutes after this disaster had begun, and just as I gave up hope, I found a person-sized opening in the fence. I squeezed through and stomped away from the buildings and directly toward a puddle, where I attempted to rinse my foot and hand, unsuccessfully. I assured my friend, who was possibly dying of laughter, that I had escaped, and went to hail a taxi.

Thankfully, my cabdriver was understanding enough to hand me a stack of napkins as soon as I got in, and reassured me that a shower would fix my life completely. It was only after I got back to my apartment that I realized the date had my umbrella. I texted to apologize and confirm, only to get a light-hearted response that yes, he had it, along with my belt. Tack it on my tab, ’cause those stilettos were unsalvagable and would cost a small fortune to replace.

Cheers.

I didn’t even have the energy to go back. What’s another $30 worth of accessories when you leave a blind date with a story like that?