College Candy

How do I hate celebrities with tiny dogs? Let me count the ways.

First, they treat their dogs as accessories. While I traditionally think that any dog smaller than a microwave is ugly, it’s not a tiny dog’s fault that he or she was born tiny. It is, however, a celebrity owner’s fault if she treats her dog as if it were a fashionable new Prada belt.

Hello! A dog is a living thing! If you’re going to treat it like a diamond necklace instead of like an animal, don’t get it in the first place. Yes, Paris Hilton, I am talking to you.

Point two—microscopic dogs are not cute. I know I already covered this, but it’s so important I feel the need to say it again. When a celebrity with flowing locks and perfect makeup is slobbering all over her Chihuahua, it looks like she’s kissing Swamp Thing. The fact that anyone would want to touch lips that have kissed every inch of a dog the size of a cotton ball is a mystery to me.

Finally, it is disturbing that dogs that can fit in handbags are actually put in handbags by some people. Most live humans can fit in a refrigerator, but do you see anyone shoving them in there? No, because humans need their space to move and stretch. Imagine that! Just because your dog is physically able to fit in your cavernous handbag does not mean that he or she enjoys being shoved up against your lip gloss and condom wrappers.

In a supreme example of just how stupid these celebrities are, the Alternative Consumer reports that dog smuggling and inhumane breeding of tiny dogs is on the rise in Eastern Europe because everyone and their mother wants a dog as big as a pacifier now.

Way to go, celebs! You’ve simultaneously managed to look idiotic and harm more dogs. Now that’s an accomplishment.