Get Your Bitch Slaps Ready: ‘The Hills’ is Back!

In honor of the much anticipated return of The Hills (Tonight! 10PM! Woooo!), I have invited my lady friends over for a viewing party. Lucky for us, MTV has 10-minute commercial breaks, which give us plenty of time to whine, bitch and criticize the many things wrong with Heidi’s new face and boobs.

And what would a party be without some cocktails? Yes, I realize it is a Monday, but it is not just any Monday; it’s the return of my favorite most-awesome-show ever. Even the New York Times is covering it! Celebration is necessary.

I considered many different drinks for the festivities – Cosmos (so out), Martinis (too cliché), beer (not worthy of such an event) – but finally found one that is just right. A drink appropriate for the level of class needed for such a celebration, while also capturing the soul at the center of this show.

Below, the drink of The Hills, The Bitch Slap.

INGREDIENTS:

1 oz Smirnoff Vodka (Blue label)

Gin

Everclear

1 oz Light rum

Fill with Lemonade

1 splash 7-Up

Mixing instructions:

Mix it together over ice and drink it up, bitches.

I like to think of this as the liquid equivalent to putting Lauren and Heidi in a room and watching what happens.

If you decide to partake in some Conrad-inspired festivities this evening, this drink should most definitely be on your list. Just be careful; this lady is feisty. Girls have been known to view Heidi more favorably while under the influence of the Bitch Slap and, lord knows, no one wants that.

I’ll be back tomorrow (with a massive hangover) to dish about the drama that is sure to unfold. Lauren and Whitney come back from Paris! Heidi and Spencer reunite! Lo moves back into town! I’m shaking from excitement!