It’s All About Me

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yva_gold_body.jpgSo, I have this friend (and no–this friend is not a hypothetical version of myself, thank god). The other night, we found ourselves in the midst of some major girl-talk. The topics ranged from our first experience with tampons, to how we feel about guys finishing on various different body parts, and then on to one of my personal faves, self love. It was at this moment when she nonchalantly dropped,

“I’m not really into masturbating,”

“WHAT?!?!?!!?!”

No. No, no, no this cannot be right. After all, I only surround myself with liberated, self-respecting gals of the feminist persuasion, all of which are highly aware of how important it is to know how to GET YOURSELF OFF. How could my friend not be into masturbating? Are there really girls that don’t attempt this anymore?

The truth became more relevant when I pulled out the big guns and asked the million-dollar question (and slightly reveled in the fact that I felt like a living chic-flick cliché)

“Have you ever had an orgasm?!”

Her answer consisted of a lot of mutters and stutters ultimately culminating with, “well, how do you even know if you’re done anyway?!”

Oh sh*t. Girlfriend was in need of some serious advice.

The conversation that followed with my friend was semi-tumultuous, mostly due to the fact that she was sort of in denial about whether she even wanted to have an orgasm at all, which probably stemmed from her embarrassment in not knowing how to make herself come at the age of 21. I’m sure my blunt reactions didn’t help either, but come on–if you don’t know how to finish yourself, how the hell can you expect some dude to figure it out?

I don’t get gals who don’t masturbate, especially when we’re equipped with an organ that serves no other purpose! Besides, it wont give you herpes or knock you up. Seriously, why even bother hooking up with a dude at all?

I love to masturbate. I’ve done it in all sorts of ways: fingers, bathtub faucet, vibrator, watching porn. It’s always a great time, because I always get off, and I never have to worry about fluids staining my sheets, condoms breaking, or taking too long to finish. I got all the time in the world. Oh, and did I mention I get off? It’s fab.

Masturbating is vital to my everyday life. It blows off all the stress and bullsh*t from the day, and just forces me to chill the funk out and focus on my favorite subject, myself.

Bottom line: Masturbing rocks and if you don’t do it, get to it.

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