My Sexual Evolution

Before I lost my virginity, I judged people for their sexual exploits. I made snide comments about the girls who went out in search of a one night stand. I frowned upon my friends who slept with friends, “just because.” I talked badly about those who had sex with their boyfriends after only a week.

I knew most of that stemmed from my self-esteem issues and lack of sexual opportunity, but I didn’t care. Sex was serious, important and emotional; people should be waiting for that special someone to share it with, instead of just throwing it away on some random dude.

Then I met that special someone, developed that deep and emotional connection, and had sex. And as soon as it was over I thought to myself, “That’s it?” It’s not that it wasn’t good, it is just that the actual act of sex was so…technical. The heat, passion and feeling I was looking for was there, but it wasn’t any different than when we were just holding hands, kissing or spooning while watching a movie. I didn’t feel any different about him after the sex than I did before.

But I did feel differently about sex.

That night, and the many that followed, made me realize that for such a seemingly simple act sex is a very complicated thing. It can mean many things to many people, and, with each situation, many things to a single person. It isn’t always about love or passion. And it doesn’t have to be.

My sexual escapades have been about everything: love, power, affection, self esteem, pain, healing, guilt, passion, need, loneliness, fun, humor. I have had experiences that made me feel like crap and experiences that made me realize how witty, sexy and wonderful I really am. I have had sex to get over someone; sex to get back at someone; sex just for the great story I could tell the next day. I have had sex with someone I loved and sex with someone I just met.

Sex isn’t simply an act of love. Or an act of lust. It isn’t just one thing. It is an ever-changing act that is different for every one, every time. Whatever the reason at that moment, I love sex. Love it.

And I won’t judge you for doing the same.