My Sexual Revolution is Man(made)

The biggest secret I ever discovered was sex. I was twelve years old when I started to wise up to my body changing, and fourteen when I first properly thought about the s-word.

Growing up, my knowledge on the classroom-rumoured Facts Of Life were always rather naïve; my Barbie and Ken dolls sometimes tried giving it a shot, but I could never stretch my imagination beyond yanking the trousers down/skirt up and wearing a puzzled expression as I placed one on top of the other and wondered if they were really enjoying themselves as much as the people on my mum and dad’s fifteen-rated (that’s R-rated in America) movies seemed to be.

It was only when my hormones began pumping that I finally began noticing boys in my school – one in particular – and let my mind drift off into the dangerous territory of wandering hands and possible intimacy. As it turned out, my first boyfriend was not the high school crush I had harboured for so long. However, it was new, it was exciting, and most importantly it was….actually quite a good-looking piece of apparatus. If this was The Thing that I was constantly told by parents, teachers and school nurses to stay away from, I’m afraid to say I was hooked.

Of course nothing lasts forever, especially in the way of young love. Back when I was sixteen I thought I was head over heels, but in reality I hardly knew what I was doing (though I loved every minute of it). The moment I realised my first proper relationship was over, I became stranded. I felt lost not having someone’s hand to hold, or body to keep me warm. I missed the secret smiles and endless daydreaming, I missed the butterflies in my stomach…and I missed the sexual education I was giving myself too.

By this time I was seventeen. The Internet had taught me things my mother would choke trying to explain, but I craved new experiences; I wanted to experiment.

My experimentation led me to aptly named AdamEve.com, a website dedicated to the needs of lusty human beings the world over – and no sexual partner required! From then on, I never looked back. These ‘toys’ as they were called gave me a whole new level of pleasure – and most importantly, they didn’t mind being stuffed in the back of a drawer, ignored all day then abused at 3am. They were cheap, reliable, long-lasting and – most importantly – available in every shade from skin tone to purple rainbow glitter.

Sexist remarks aside, I still see a place for men in the bedroom. A vibrator may buzz happily and light up like a spaceship, but it’ll never keep me warm at night, nor ruffle my hair until I fall asleep. The experience of making love to another person is one that can never be replicated by any form of man-made silicon. But for the price substitution of a first date, you can’t really complain!