Number Stigma: Why I Don’t Count

March 28, 2008 - 6:30 pm By ccandysarah

“So…how many people have you slept with?”

If someone asks you this question: get out now. Seriously, do not answer, do not pass go, just leave.

About a year or two ago, I decided to stop counting how many people I’ve had sex with. Have I lost count? No. In the back of my head I know exactly who I’ve slept with because, frankly, it hasn’t been that many guys. I just simply decided to stop thinking about my number, to stop talking about my number, and, most importantly, to stop worrying about my number.

And I think you should too.

Every day our bodies are the subject of judgment…from men, from the media, from other women…somewhere along the way it became their business to dictate what we do in our own sex lives. Our magazines tell us we should focus on how to please our man and how to look better naked (for the benefit of our man). We are constantly confronted with the virgin/whore complex—men want a girl who’s sexy, seductive and gives a killer blow job, but wait, she can’t be a slut. Men don’t want to date a slut. Bloggers like PerezHilton see a young actress with a new man, and she is labeled a whore, literally: the word is scrawled across her photograph.

The simplest way to sexually categorize a woman is by her number. She’s only slept with one guy (or worse yet…none at all)? She’s a prude. She’s still in college and already in the double digits? Slut. I am guilty of this myself—upon discovering recently that a friend had slept with “probably more than 30 people”, I was shocked. I was judgmental. However, if I actually sat down with her and listened to each story one by one, each boyfriend, each heartache, each one-night stand, I imagine they’d form a complete picture of who my friend is today: a strong, beautiful, and caring person. She’s in a relationship now…does her high number make her a bad girlfriend? I don’t think so. I think it makes her, well, her.

We ought to all sit down and think about who we’ve slept with and why. Maybe write it down, write down each name and story. And then burn it! You are who you are, right now, despite AND because of who you have or haven’t slept with. You may regret some, you may still be in pain over some others, but they have helped to forge who you are now. Who is anyone to judge you by your number other than you? The judgment inherent in the number is arbitrary, and there is no secret chart—is 14 too many? What about 15? Is 9 just enough but 10 way too much? WHO CARES?!

I don’t, but other people do. I used to worry about what guys would think if I told them I don’t count. Would they assume I was a slut? Or maybe a virgin? Then I realized I don’t really want to date a guy who is dying to know my number. It speaks to a kind of disingenuous curiosity bred from insecurity–wanting to know how many men he’s being compared to, or where his girlfriend has been. I want to be with someone who likes me no matter what, who is focused on us right now.

And if he can’t respect my wishes and deal with it? Well, too bad. I’m not counting him anyway.

Casey says:
Sat, 29th Mar 20082:25 pm

I agree with a lot of what you said, BUT I do think a guy you’re in a serious relationship with has the right to know. My boyfriend and I actually just talked about this last night. I think he NEEDS to know where I’ve been and what i’ve done in order to really know me. He knows who I am now, but he’s always going to think, “who WAS this girl before I met her that made her the amazing person that I love today, why is she the way she is” If someone loves you they have a right to know your past, and if they do truly love you they wont judge you for it. My boyfriend was shocked last night when I sat down and told him all my stories, he couldn’t and doesn’t see me as the person I used to be, but he does see how everything I’ve gone through has made me the amazing person that he fell in love with and he likes that. It made our connection stronger and he said “it makes me want to treat you even better” He already treats me like a goddess. So yeah, I don’t see anything wrong with talking about it.

Dani says:
Thu, 3rd Apr 20088:27 pm

I agree with Casey about disclosing this information to your significant other because he/she can gain a better understanding of you. That being said, I also think that this information is best kept under wraps until the relationship has come to a point where the number isn’t a discriminating factor. I think what Sarah is trying to articulate is that guys (or girls) who want to know right off the bat probably aren’t interested enough in you to get to know the true beautiful self you are despite the numbers.

Anyways, this story reminded me of an ugly tale I have of discrimination pertaining to numbers of sexual partners. I went into the campus health services center to seek birth control and wanted to go about it properly. I was told that I needed to have a full physical for this, and the doctor asked me a series of questions which in retrospect, I’m pretty sure he wasn’t even legally allowed to ask me. He asked me how many partners I’d had among other questions – although he failed to ask me how long I’d been sexually active for. Upon hearing the numbers, he responded with “Don’t you think that that’s a bit much for a girl your age?” I was embarrassed and unsure how to respond to this. I was livid upon leaving the clinic, especially because this man was a doctor in a university campus clinic making women (and probably men) feel guilty about their sexual history. No one – not even someone with an M.D. – should be able to make you feel inferior, guilty or embarrassed about your sexual history.

The double standard still exists, I admit. But we should be able to recognize that it’s not okay.

Eliza says:
Mon, 28th Apr 20089:54 pm

I agree in that a number, no matter how high or low, is not important. But the sexual history of any potential partners does need to be addressed in some manner, simply to be safe. Does your partner need to know that you’ve slept with x number of people? No. But they do need to know of any risks you could be bringing to table, as you need to know of any risks they could be bringing as well. If that can’t be discussed, then sex probably shouldn’t be had between the two of you.

Margot-Montclair State University says:
Wed, 7th Oct 20099:36 pm

I’ve stopped counting the guys I’ve hooked up with but at our age it shouldn’t be that easy to forget the # of guys you’ve slept with! Maybe I’m wrong but I have a feeling that most women in college haven’t slept with more then 10 guys and it’s not hard to remember 10!