I Love You Cuz You Read Nabokov: How We Judge Potential Dates
April 4, 2008 Posted in Other Stories, Sex
Yesterday one of the most-read articles in the Times was about dating people based on the books they read. The author discussed the many viewpoints on the topic: Is it fair? Does it matter? Why do people do it? Some people thought it was irrelevant to a relationship and others thought it was central.
As I read the article, I couldn’t help but think of the random things I use to get to know and understand potential boyfriends.
I once ended things with a guy because he drove a pick-up truck. I once rejected a first date with someone because he told me he enjoyed watching Fox news. I broke up with someone because he had $10,000 worth of debt. My mom told me my standards were too high, that I was being a snob and that some things really shouldn’t matter in a relationship. I agree with her 100%, but to me these things do matter.
It’s not that I have an aversion to pick-up trucks, or that I am looking for someone who has all the money in the world to spend on me. On the contrary, I once dated someone who drove a giant red pick-up truck (with a tool box in the back!), and I make enough money on my own that I don’t need to depend on others. The truth is that these small things actually tell a much bigger story about the person to whom they belong. A pick-up truck is more than a car. A love for Fox news is about more than the broadcasters. And $10K in debt is more than just a (super large) number. I know that things should not be an extension of who a person is, but to some degree they are. They tell what the person is interested in, what their views are and what they value. If you are someone who has a passion for reading the classics, there is nothing wrong with losing interest in a guy who hasn’t picked up anything besides Maxim since high school. There are certain activities, items, personality traits that are very telling; if you don’t think you will mesh with someone because of these things, what is wrong with that?
I am not expecting to find someone out there who is exactly like me, loves the exact same things as me and is, basically, a male version of me. How boring would that be? But is there anything wrong with picking the issues that are important to me in a relationship and making judgment calls based on them? Is it wrong that I find valuing and saving money to be important for me and my future? Is there really anything wrong with someone looking for a mate that has the same intellectual curiosity?
People judge others all the time. Who are we to judge how they judge?
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Chris says:
Sat, 5th Apr 20084:03 pm
I thought that it didn´t matter. At the beguinning of 2007 I start dating this girl, she studied Buissnes and I study Law, she almost never read anything I will apriciate, whatched soup operas, things like that, and I didn´t like her for that, insted, she was inocent, sweet, I tried no to talk to her too much… but what kind of relationship is that?. At the second half of that year I met this girl, wild on bed, had read the right books, also didn´t like pop music, she wants to be a signer, but I could talk to her about the US economy, the Iran situation, the importance of Latin American literature, things like that, and I think that was a more meaningful relationship. So, maybe, finally answer your question: yes, some issues can´t be negociable, and others don´t really matter, the important thing (for an example) is that you are a Democrat, not if you are with Obama or with Clinton; I think!
Cheers.