The Hills: A Two for One Special

By Lauren

[Yes, LC, we realize this Hills update is late. No need to make that "holding corn chips incredulously" move of yours. This week sucked for your dear editor. I apologize. Now, on to the awesomeness...]

Yesterday I had a serious case of the Mondays. Even the Boston Creme donut I had didn’t make me feel any better. Or the giant sale on Bloomingdales.com (but I may not feel the good vibes from that until my brand new jacket arrives in the mail!). I was ready to retire to bed with a cup of tea and a good book until I remembered something awesome: The Hills is back. I have gotten so used to Mondays without my blonde and super tan frenemies that I nearly forgot. I turned on the TV and was blessed with even more good news: TWO EPISODES!

It was like the clouds parted and the sun began to shine.

Two full episodes means there is a lot of ground to cover. I took three pages of notes! Sure, a lot of that includes, “What the hell is Stephanie wearing on her head?” and, “Heidi looks like she wants to cry right now – she is trying so hard – but her face just…won’t….move.” But so much happened!

There is no way I can really discuss everything I want to – like Heidi and Spencer’s fight over who paid for which super-sized flat screen – so here is a brief rundown of the happenings on episodes dos and tres of The Hills. Sort of a Cliff’s Notes guide to last night’s drama.

Whitney decides to leave Teen Vogue and take up an opportunity working for People’s Revolution. Her first interview with Kelly Cutrone made me realize that that Devil does not wear Prada – the Devil wears black and doesn’t wash her hair. Cutrone is constantly reminding Whitney of the hellish life she has gotten herself into, which makes me wonder if Whitney looks just like some bitch that made Cutrone’s high school experience a nightmare. And now she’s getting her back.

Lauren is all sad about her pending long distance relationship with Whitney, so she decides to hit Les Deux (because it is the only club in LA, apparently) with Audrina. Obviously, Brody shows up. Obviously, there is drama because they both read Us Weekly and heard about each others’ trysts while apart. Not-so-obviously, Frankie has some weird 1988 fade going on with his hair. Lauren and Brody both act like children because they refuse to tell each other their feelings and that is the end of that. To which I say to you, Lauren: stop being such a brat and talk to the kid. No one finds this charming.

Speidi begins the separation of their things. Each gets to take what is theirs and go their separate ways – except for Stephanie. She is settling quite nicely in the middle. Heidi tells her she just wants space but doesn’t consider this whole thing a break up. Meanwhile, Spencer is all about playing the field (which he will quickly see is empty for a mid-twenties kid with no job and horrible facial hair who spends his days crying on his little sister’s couch).

Stephanie is a manipulative bitch who is trying to get herself in just about anywhere she can. I don’t trust her. Lo (my new BFF) doesn’t trust her. Even Spencer doesn’t trust her. So why does LC seem to keen on being her friend? This girl’s brother spread those sex tape rumors; hasn’t Lauren learned that you have to be careful about who you trust? Also, since when is Lauren back in school? And why does her teacher sound like she just flew in from the Bronx?

Whew. That was a lot. Back to back episodes of this show provide me with plenty of drama to get through the week. It’s like living in two sorority houses at once. Yet, I still want more.

I will just have to wait until next week to see if Heidi’s post-Spencer-extra-closet-space is still getting her through the break-up. Or if Lauren and Whitney get offered any other one-in-a-million jobs with no experience.

Or, maybe, if Audrina plays any sort of important role in any of this.