Madonna, Don’t Beat Me Up, But…I’m Not Your Fan

I have a confession to make. I don’t get Madonna.

Not only do I not get her, I’m not a fan. I’ve never been a fan.

I’ve grown up with the Material Girl, and every couple of years or so when she goes and makes a drastic change in her personality, looks, and music, I think now! Now surely I’ll like her! She’s different!

But alas, that’s never the case. No matter who she is at the time – wacky-haired, sleeping-with-everyone Madonna, Henna-tattooed, meditative Madonna, super-yoga master Madonna – I just can’t bring myself to be like everyone else in America and adore her.

First of all, her songs have never resonated with me. Which is strange, because I love pop and dance music. Okay, so Like a Prayer is totally fun, but it’s not the type of song I can listen to over and over. And ever since the 90’s hit, I haven’t really liked anything of hers. Her voice isn’t something to write home about, her lyrics are never particularly interesting (except for Papa Don’t Preach. I’ll acquiesce. Those lyrics are pretty subversive), and the actual songs themselves always sound like replicas of something I’ve heard before.

Plus – and again, maybe this is just me – Madonna seems mean.

Like, if we were in high school together, Madonna would be the girl who shoved me into a locker just to watch my books tumble out of my hands, or sit next to me in the bleachers during the biggest basketball game of the season and tell the group of boys I’m sitting with that she heard I still suck my thumb. Even when she’s smiling or laughing in an interview, all I can do is picture that smile or laugh echoing around me as a ketchup stain, “accidentally” spilled by her, spreads over my new white pants in the middle of the cafeteria.

“You’ve gotta listen to 4 Minutes!” My friend recently gushed, shoving her earbuds into my ears. “Justin AND Madonna. F*cking fabulous!”

I listened. And the song was fine. But f*cking fabulous?

Not to me.

So look, when it comes to the bigger picture, I think Madonna has done amazing things for women in music and women’s sexuality. She’s been a driving feminist force who never apologizes and I sincerely respect that. She doesn’t take sh*t from anyone (especially her husband), she’s not afraid to make AWFUL movies and she’s even adopting a kid.

I can see why the world loves her.

As for me, I’ll be cowering on the bleachers by myself, listening to Kelly Clarkson and hoping she never finds out I wrote this.