Madonna, Don’t Beat Me Up, But…I’m Not Your Fan

April 12, 2008 3:00 pm     Posted in HaHa, Other Stories  Jess - NYU g+ page

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By Jess

I have a confession to make. I don’t get Madonna.

Not only do I not get her, I’m not a fan. I’ve never been a fan.

I’ve grown up with the Material Girl, and every couple of years or so when she goes and makes a drastic change in her personality, looks, and music, I think now! Now surely I’ll like her! She’s different!

But alas, that’s never the case. No matter who she is at the time – wacky-haired, sleeping-with-everyone Madonna, Henna-tattooed, meditative Madonna, super-yoga master Madonna – I just can’t bring myself to be like everyone else in America and adore her.

First of all, her songs have never resonated with me. Which is strange, because I love pop and dance music. Okay, so Like a Prayer is totally fun, but it’s not the type of song I can listen to over and over. And ever since the 90’s hit, I haven’t really liked anything of hers. Her voice isn’t something to write home about, her lyrics are never particularly interesting (except for Papa Don’t Preach. I’ll acquiesce. Those lyrics are pretty subversive), and the actual songs themselves always sound like replicas of something I’ve heard before.

Plus – and again, maybe this is just me – Madonna seems mean.

Like, if we were in high school together, Madonna would be the girl who shoved me into a locker just to watch my books tumble out of my hands, or sit next to me in the bleachers during the biggest basketball game of the season and tell the group of boys I’m sitting with that she heard I still suck my thumb. Even when she’s smiling or laughing in an interview, all I can do is picture that smile or laugh echoing around me as a ketchup stain, “accidentally” spilled by her, spreads over my new white pants in the middle of the cafeteria.

“You’ve gotta listen to 4 Minutes!” My friend recently gushed, shoving her earbuds into my ears. “Justin AND Madonna. F*cking fabulous!”

I listened. And the song was fine. But f*cking fabulous?

Not to me.

So look, when it comes to the bigger picture, I think Madonna has done amazing things for women in music and women’s sexuality. She’s been a driving feminist force who never apologizes and I sincerely respect that. She doesn’t take sh*t from anyone (especially her husband), she’s not afraid to make AWFUL movies and she’s even adopting a kid.

I can see why the world loves her.

As for me, I’ll be cowering on the bleachers by myself, listening to Kelly Clarkson and hoping she never finds out I wrote this.

9 Comments on "Madonna, Don’t Beat Me Up, But…I’m Not Your Fan"

  1. Mira says:
    Sat, 12th Apr 200810:22 am 

    Thank you!! I have never liked Madona either, was never really impressed by her music, fashion or "unique" style.. Glad I am not the only one.

  2. Emily says:
    Sat, 12th Apr 200810:36 am 

    I could not agree more…

  3. C. Ryder - Universit says:
    Sat, 12th Apr 20081:46 pm 

    Madonna is definitely MEAN now. I feel a great deal of sympathy for Mr. Ritchie, and I tremble at the thought of being her child. Do we have another Mommy Dearest in the making here?

    Nevertheless, I love old skool Madonna – like you, J, I grew up on the stuff, and it hits me every time. Perhaps it's the recall, how I imagine myself as a little kid who grew up on the REAL MTV, which included Madonna's first videos. Papa and Like a Prayer – classic, classic scheisse. I'll always be up for listening to that . . .

  4. Cocobean says:
    Sat, 12th Apr 20082:22 pm 

    I HAAAAATE Madonna. She's an old lady with a whiny singing voice and an attitude problem.

  5. Janers says:
    Sun, 13th Apr 200812:50 am 

    I've always felt the same way.

    I feel bad for her husband.

    I saw some interview where she was being a total arse to him.

    anyways,

    80's Madonna is best imo.

    oh and P.S.:

    Girl's got some crazy muscular (and scary!) arms!

  6. kaTie says:
    Tue, 15th Apr 20085:00 pm 

    I would have to agree with all the above! Madonna don't scare me. She's awful. I don't get why people continue to kiss her butt like she some kind of genius. Better yet, I don't think any of the current entertainers should be getting any butt kissing. And oh yeah, who IS original these days?!

  7. Ivan says:
    Sat, 26th Apr 20088:52 am 

    I feel the same way. Madonna is Ok, but F*cking Fabulous is going overboard. If I were Justin I would watch my back, after all she did steal Britney's mojo.

    Holla!

  8. Ana says:
    Fri, 26th Jun 20096:18 am 

    I don't like her music either, or the way she tries to stay in the picture. She's too mediocore.

    I admit she's helped women's cause by bringing women's sexuality to the light and all, but I've always thought she did all that in the name of show biz. Bah

  9. Gloria says:
    Sat, 2nd Apr 20113:13 pm 

    Yeah, I would have to say Madonna would be a mean person to hang out with…I read her brother's book and she sounds like she's been totally irrational. BUT I watched "Truth or Dare" the other night, and she told one of her dancers to not "give her atttidue, because I won't tolerate it." But she can be a tyrant/bitch/psycho to everyone else?!!!!!

    I'm fascinated by her; but at the same time, I really haven't liked her music much since "Vogue." When "Justify My Love" came out, I was like, no. Don't like this at all. I guess I admired her attitude towards business, her confidence, and fearlessness, like moving to New York without having a lot of money saved. I feel like I've missed my chance in life by not moving somewhere else, but I guess I have to have faith that things will work out all right and to not give up on my creative endeavors. I DO admire the fact that she is very successful and so driven and that she is a woman. On the other hand, she seems like she was really mean years ago (don't know how she is now) and saddened about that. The world seems very hateful.

    Anyway, I have to agree with your post. And incidentally, I don't think Madonna wrote "Papa Don't Preach." She might have contributed a few words, but I think it was written by someone else. Yup, just checked it, Brian Elliot wrote it, with some lyrics by Madonna.

    Madonna would have beaten me up too. : /

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