Taking it Seriously: College Depression (Part I)

alina says:
Mon, 14th Apr 20081:40 pm 

ye i can totaly relate, im currently studying to GET INTO collage becouse i dident do that good in high school (and i live in Sweeden so we get to do that) but im applying to Berkeley (in NY) and im panicked about not getting in or getting in and not being able to handle the work load, the guidence councelor said it is pretty hard. im just not sure i can make it and its alot of money to so i dont want to drop out becouse it was to hard. i have a tendancy to give up if i cant get things perfect. its all or nothing with me but im trying to work on it. but im worried cuz i get frustrated taking my high school classes.

thank you for writing this article, i look forward to the next one.

C. Ryder - Universit says:
Mon, 14th Apr 20081:54 pm 

You're welcome. You'll be fine. It's just important to be aware of how depression affects your personal life as well as your studies – you can't let it "get" away from you.

I wish you best of luck in college!

Ree says:
Mon, 14th Apr 20083:16 pm 

I can relate. I used to think college would be the answer to all of my problems – turns out it only created more. I came to a very small university which was mainly equestrian oriented (mistake number one, considering i wasn't an equestrian student.) I didn't fit in well, considering I was the only girl on campus not walking around in her spurs and talking about what happened 'down at the barns.' Anyway, to make matters worse my roommate first semester was a lesbian who would consecutively sneak her girlfriend in our room to stay the night. Every single weekend, and sometimes even during the week. So after first semester i requested a roommate change, and my next roommate turned out to be an atheist who refused to believe in God and was outright rude to everyone she met. She had no friends so she locked herself in our room quite frequently, yelling at the television set. Once she even woke me up at four in the morning, dangling my car keys over my head explaining that she was taking my car and driving to Michigan (we're in Ohio) because she had to rescue her parakeet which her parents were attempting to get rid of.

Yea… it has definitely taken it's toll on me. I mean, I'm not suicidal by any means – but I can tell I'm depressed. I never thought college would be like this.

But the good news is, I'm transferring to a bigger university next year and requesting a single dorm.

C. Ryder - Universit says:
Mon, 14th Apr 20083:31 pm 

I wish you best of the luck at a bigger university. It sounds like you felt so out of place. And, my, my, Lord! You're roommates! You poor thing! You should turn those stories into fiction . . .

Well, better things are yet to come.

Allison says:
Mon, 14th Apr 20086:43 pm 

I can relate all too well. I already had it my senior year of high school (undiagnosed by that point) and I took it with me to college. My first semester was awful. I had bad mood swings, I would cry for literally hours (my longest spurt being two consecutive days) and I felt uninterested in everything, so it was hard to get out there and meet people. I ended up joining a lot of clubs, but I just kept feeling uninteresting and 'melancholy.' I felt tired and sad all the time- even to the point where I was physically aching. It was hard, I really wasn't sure I would make it.

I ended up getting help at the college counciling services (do it, by the way if you think you have a serious medical issue. They know how to handle the stress of being a freshman) where I was diagnosed and put on medication for a bit. But for me it was the classwork that kept me going, which I suppose is interesting. It was something to do besides feeling bad, and I ended up getting Dean's List both semesters.

College is a huge adjustment, and a lot of the time it's not great at first. I love my school now, it's like a second home, I just wish someone had told me beforehand about how hard it would be so that I would have known I wasn't alone.

C. Ryder - Universit says:
Tue, 15th Apr 20083:02 am 

Allison,

You have shared some heavy "stuff" with all of us about your own experiences with depression, and I commend you for that. Trust me, I know the things you went through – when I first went to college, I cried for days and days on end. It wasn't leaving home, as I was like in my sophomore year, too. You're so physically exhausted from the crying, and drained in other ways.

I'm really glad you mentioned counseling, as that's going to be another part of this piece.

Thanks again. I'm glad to hear you're doing better!

Sarah says:
Tue, 15th Apr 200812:29 pm 

I can relate, because I’m going through the same thing right now being my second semester of my freshman year. I’m six hours away from home, I didn’t do very well last semester academically and to top it all off the new friends I made last semester seemed to no longer be interested in spending time with me.

I ended locking myself in my room for almost two months. (Thank God I don’t have a roommate, I would’ve felt terrible making someone deal with that). Finally my neighbor noticed that I never leave, and she could hear the crying at all hours of the day, that she got a hold of my RA and my she suggested I go down to the counseling center, I’ve only been there a few times, but they definitely know what they’re doing and make you feel like you’re not the only one going through something like that. I’m just hoping I can get over this and move on, so I can enjoy college instead of dreading next semester.

C. Ryder - University of Kansas says:
Tue, 15th Apr 200812:59 pm 

Sarah,

Thank you so much for sharing about your tribulations. I am sorry to hear that you have had such a tough time lately. I’m glad that you’ve gotten out of your room and have sought counseling. I think it’s important to shift, consciously shift, your activity patterns. As you are obviously aware, depression acts in vicious patterns, and once your stuck in that type of circularity, it can be difficult to escape. Not impossible, but difficult. You’ve made the first step by going to the counseling center – you’ve stepped out of the hamster’s wheel o’ depression, and that’s awesome. That got you out of your room and forced you to talk about your problems – you should be proud of yourself. That’s a GREAT accomplishment.

I’ve been there, and I know how hard it can be. I’m also sorry that your previous friends have distanced themselves from you. Perhaps you’ve pushed them away? (I’m just suggesting). If so, maybe you should e-mail one of them – the friend to whom you felt the closet – and just say “hi.” E-mailing is safe and an easy way to reconnect. If you don’t feel comfortable doing that, perhaps you could call on old friend from high school? When I’m down some times, I’ll call old pals from back in the day. We might not see each other again, but it gets my mind off myself and my own issues, and let’s me find out what’s going on with other peoples’ lives – it’s always nice to have a chat with an old pal, even if that’s all it is.

Well, good luck!

Angelique says:
Tue, 15th Apr 20085:01 pm 

I have a similar situation to Ree, with the awkward small college thing and the wonky (but not in a cute way) roommate. The only difference is, at my school, it is a lot like being in a 1950s college movie, as opposed to a real live school. The kids all look like extras, wearing preppy (and painfully identical) designer clothes, the girls all have spray-tans and bleached extensions and wear pearls everywhere, including to the gym. The guys all wear sherbet colored polos with seersucker or khaki pants and they even dress up for football games. I am a kind of gothy atheist from modest means and am neither anglo-saxon, protestant nor white, yet am caught in WASP-ville. The school is overwhelmingly conservative, I am overwhelmingly not. I feel suffocated and alone and have been so depressed the last three months I can barely get out of bed in the morning. I am transferring to a larger and more liberal school, thank god.

C. Ryder - University of Kansas says:
Tue, 15th Apr 20085:12 pm 

Angelique,

What an ending! Now, again, your experiences are good enough for a fictional tale!

I wish you the best of luck at a new school! You’ll be able to get some fresh air, right?

topeka says:
Tue, 15th Apr 200811:14 pm 

yeah, so many thing to worry about! but there’re sitll lots of fun to be in college! like u can start a beautiful romance with some potential one!! and there’re many college students playing dating online at _millionaireloves.com_ since the fast development of the cyber tech; and now love and date become easy and more interesting@!

C. Ryder - Universit says:
Wed, 16th Apr 20084:49 am 

Of course, Topeka, you are right! There are a lot of great things about college. No doubt about it. But this series is highlighting the other side, i.e. how young adults in college do struggle from depression . . .

C. Ryder - University of Kansas says:
Wed, 16th Apr 20083:57 pm 

Whoa. I just realized – I responded to Mr. Spam. Yikes!

echo says:
Tue, 22nd Apr 20088:08 am 

i’m not sure if i am depressed or not because i can be a happy person when i want to, but most of the time i’m just quiet and keep to myself. i’ve been like this for the past 4+ years. I’m a freshman in college, and i have to say that my first semester was pretty bad. At first, i was excited to live on my own and finally go to college, but that excitement escaped me after my first day of college. i didn’t have a bad day or anything, it was normal and i saw a lot of familiar faces from my high school, and i started to think that college was like high school. with all the cliques and how most of the students in my classes knew each other. i felt like an outsider just like how i felt in high school. i also worked part time and went to school on mondays, wednesdays and fridays and worked 7 hour shifts on tuesdays, thursdays, saturdays and occasionally on sundays. i don’t remember exactly when it all started, but i stoped going to my classes and ended up failing my classes. i didn’t even take my finals. i feel so dumb because i never missed a day of work but managed to miss more than half a semester of classes. one day i went home for dinner and my mom asked me about my classes and i just broke down and cried like a baby saying that i didn’t like college and that i didn’t want to go. she kept asking me why i didnt want to go and i couldn’t answer her and i just kept crying because i didn’t really know what happened. and why i didn’t like college. my parents don’t know that i failed my first semester of college. and i wasn’t going to tell them. but i also knew that i didn’t want to go back to college for my second semester, so after a lot of thinking, i told my parents that i wanted to take a semester off, work on my art and apply to an art school and start as a semester in the fall of 08. my mom then talked about it with my dad who is in china because of his work, and he suggested that i come to china to study chinese and attend college there for a year or two and transfer out to an art school back in the states. (i’m not chinese by the way) the thought of finally leaving and starting fresh made me happy so i said yes to my dad and he started to make preparations.

i left america mid-january and i’m currently in Shanghai studying chinese at shanghai university. i thought i’d be happy, but i’m not. for the past 6 days, i didn’t go to my classes, and i just stayed in my room and slept all day. i gained about 20lbs in 3 months. i feel miserable. my dad tells me to exercise and that i’d feel better, but i’m self conscious of my body now and can’t even get myself to go out and run a few laps around the track. i’m miserable than i ever was and i don’t think i can get help in china. and to make matters worse, my parents will most likely laugh at me when i tell them that i think i’m depressed. i think my problem is that i don’t know what i want with my life. i don’t see a future for me. and i’m sorry if this post made no sense at all ): it’s kind of hard for me to organize my thoughts and i might not even be depressed, and just a girl with silly problems.

C. Ryder - University of Kansas says:
Tue, 22nd Apr 200810:10 am 

First off, Echo, you aren’t just a “girl with silly problems” and your post was absolutely clear. I want to thank you for sharing with me and the readers at collegecandy.

I also want to tell you that I am sorry that you’ve had difficulties with school. You are obviously an intelligent person. Unfortunately, you are an extremely sensitive person, too. That’s a wonderful thing, but when it’s mixed with intelligence, it can be a hard thing to bear, particularly at your age. I went through similar doubts and had the same fears.Being sensitive is a wonderful gift, but it must be guarded and tended to, like a very special garden. If it is not, it can grow wild and become frightening and unruly.

I think it was bold of you to move to China, and to start afresh. It sounds like it didn’t turn out the way you had hoped, and that’s OK, too. I have a hunch that college isn’t your problem, and that you’re going through other emotional things that simply make it difficult to focus on learning and studying at the college level. Perhaps you’re also homesick and dealing with a type of culture shock? I am not the one to answer that question, just ruminating. You mentioned that you felt frustrated by the clicks you saw at your college in the U.S., that it seemed like you were in high school again. The manner in which you expressed yourself suggested, to me at least, that you felt isolated. Not only that, but you also felt disappointed, as you thought that college would be quite different from your experiences in high school.

So, after much difficulty and not admitting to your parents that you had failed your classes, you decided to make a decisive change. (Also, you shouldn’t beat yourself for missing classes and working – it sounds like you had a lot on your plate). You went to China and you opened up to your parents about your difficulties. I think that’s great. That was a step in the right direction. Even if you don’t finish up your studies in China, you will be able to look back on a time that you spent in another country – there’s something to be said for that. Of course, you’ll recall the emotional turmoil you experienced, but with time, that “trauma,” if you will, won’t seem as immediate.

It sounds like you need to talk to your dad (if he’s a good pal, like my dad is). If not him, someone, anyone who has an ear and cares for you. You need to talk to PEOPLE. I cannot emphasize this enough. I was very depressed when I was a freshman, but I had one good friend at the time, with whom I could talk. That’s so critical. Depression, and I’m speaking of the environmental kinds (I’m not an medical expert), is a vicious cycle, as others have agreed here at collegecandy. It pulls you into your own thoughts, and those thoughts are like nasty little circles, that only lead one place – a spiral that burrows further into your own misery. Imagine your mind looking like a massive, ever-expansive highway. For some reason, you are stuck on a (seemingly) never-ending, circular exit. You’ve gotten into a rhythm, and you feel like you’re stuck there, you can’t find a way to get off, to move onto, to trudge forward – you keep going round and round, your emotions dragging you further and further away from living life to its fullest, to experiencing SHARED happiness, and all those other important things that will ease your anxiety.

Don’t worry about college. It can wait. Get back on your feet, talk to people. You’re obviously honest with yourself, and your thoughts are absolutely clear. Again, you’re not a “silly girl with a problems.” From what I’ve read, I hear the voice of a young woman who is going through a rough patch. Once you come out of that, you’ll be a much stronger individual.

Thanks again for sharing. Wherever you are and whenever you read this, rest assured, someone is thinking about you, Echo, and sincerely hopes that you find peace within yourself. To be sure, once you do that, you will succeed in whatever direction you so choose.

Justin says:
Tue, 26th Aug 20089:43 am 

I just started college. Today is my second day of classes and my fourth day of living in the dorms. I haven’t eaten in 3 days aside from a few cookies (tried to make myself eat). Every time I try to eat, I feel sick. The classes are interesting and I don’t have a problem with the school. However, I’m not used to sharing a bathroom with an entire dorm floor, especially when it comes to showers. But that’s not my biggest problem. My girlfriend of six years moved in with me the beginning of summer, just before I graduated high school. This is literally the longest I’ve been away from her all summer. I can’t help thinking about her constantly and how much I want to see her again. I’ve been thinking if college is right for me, if I should keep trying. I’ve also had a few mild thoughts about death, not to the extent of suicide, though. What’s more, we’re all given a limited amount of bandwidth to use. I’m constantly worrying about going over the limit, which I’ve already almost reached and don’t even know why. I’m wondering if I should try to move in with my Father, who lives 30-40 minutes away. I would have to make the drive everyday to get here and back, but I might be able to convince him to let my girlfriend stay. If not, I at least won’t be worrying about bandwidth and public bathrooms :\

What do you think? I can’t do anything until this weekend because I have no car and classes all week. I’m afraid my health will decline because of lack of nutrition, but I can’t seem to eat anything.

Michelle says:
Fri, 29th Aug 20081:43 pm 

I think I may be depressed, but I’m not sure. It doesn’t seem like something I could have. More like a cop-out. An excuse for my faults, because I don’t feel like I could possibly have something wrong with me, even though everything I read and think indicates otherwise.

Throughout elementary and middle school, I was bullied. Not physically, but verbally. I was called a monster. Four-eyes. Fat. Loser. Stupid. Countless other names that I think I’ve blocked out.

When I got to middle school, I was already depressed, but tried making new friends, which after running into a new mix of bullies, I finally did. They were the only real good about school at the time, besides the fact that I genuinely enjoyed the challenge that school presented. It made me think, and I was good at school.

In jr. high, the bullying ceased, for the most part, except for the exclusion. However, the damage was already done. I had on self-worth. I constantly worried that other people were talking behind my back. I questioned the integrity and intentions of the few friends I had, because I didn’t think anyone could like the monster I was.

It was in 7th grade that my best friend, a boy from 5th grade, started liking me…and I very much liked him. In 8th grade, we “went out” for 8 months, in which time, I actually didn’t feel depressed and worthless. However, when he broke up with me that 8th month, he started going out with my best girl friend. He told me I was like his sister, and we would still be best friends, but I felt completely betrayed. My best friends had plotted behind my back, and I wanted to hate them. But instead, I turned that hatred on myself. I’d already contemplated suicide in elementary and middle school. It’s not something a child should even know about, but I knew I didn’t want to live anymore. However, I was too afraid of dying and going to hell for killing myself, that I couldn’t do it. So, not only did I hate myself for being fat, ugly, stupid, and a dork, I was a coward, too.

During this time, I had joined band and started playing the saxophone. It was my release. The one thing I could excel at without feeling like I could fail if I wasn’t good enough. There is no failing in music. You just learn, and learn, and learn. And you get better. When I got into high school, and throughout high school, I improved on my instrument. I became first chair in both band and jazz band, and even made it to All-Region first band. I was a soloist, and I loved every minute of it.

When I graduated high school, I no longer had band to count on to make me feel good. So, I turned to researching and playing games online. I started making friends all over the world through online means. I could be whoever I wanted to be. I was popular. I was in control. And for once, I didn’t feel bad, except for the fact that I was lying to my mother in order to play these games. So, whenever I felt bad over this, I just didn’t think about it. I pushed it out of my mind.

That fall, I went to college as a Pre-Med student. It wasn’t my first choice, though. All my life, I’d been able to draw, but around here, there’s no thing to do with an art degree. No careers available. Next choice, was to be a band director. However, when I brought this up, all anyone could tell me was how difficult it was to find jobs in that area, and that I’d be better off with something else. So, instead of doing what I enjoyed, I opted for something that had only semi-interested me in high school. Dissecting things was always sort of fun, and I wanted to help people, so Pre-Med didn’t seem so bad.

I moved into the dorm, and for a couple weeks, everything went fine. However, I was still addicted to those games, and that eventually became my downfall. After a few weeks, I started getting behind on my schoolwork, so instead of going to class unprepared, I stayed in my room to do my homework. Problem is, I didn’t do my homework, and instead, played games, putting me further behind. After a few more weeks, it was apparent to me that I could never pass, so I didn’t even attempt to go. All this time, I was in a continuous cycle of alleviating my feelings of worthlessness and failure by playing a stupid game, and crying. If I wasn’t playing, I was crying. If I wasn’t crying, I was playing. I rarely slept or ate, and after so long of not eating, I binged. My health plummeted. Finally, after running away one night, and having my mom and uncle come find me pulled over at the side of the interstate, I withdrew from the university at the end of the semester.

I talked it over with my mom, and tried to convince her that I wasn’t ready to attend college again at the time. I wanted to take at least a semester off to think about what I wanted and needed to do. However, she convinced me that I had to go back to school, albeit to a 2-year school, only to keep my insurance coverage. Of course, I went to school this semester. It was simple enough to sleep through and still pass. But I felt like it was beneath me. Here I was, 5th in my high school graduating class. An honor grad. A member of the National Honor Society. And I was only going to get an Associate’s degree in something I had no interest in at a school I felt like I was too good for.But I went to school the first semester. And that summer. And I passed with A’s and a couple B’s – in classes I didn’t concentrate in as much.

I became a recluse. I didn’t want to be seen by anyone I knew to have to admit that I was only going to a technical school. It was embarassing to me, because I felt like I’d failed, and I felt like everyone else would think I’d failed. I’d even been speeding that spring semester in an attempt to kill myself in a way that didn’t seem like I was committing suicide…if that even makes sense.

When I attempted school the next semester, I still felt like even if I went to class, I was a failure. So, I started skipping classes. I couldn’t physically make myself go, because I was in such a rut. I always found reasons not to go. I had a headache. I hadn’t slept. I really needed to see that special on kumquats, since it was so important in today’s society. When I would try to go to class, I was failing. And one Friday, I was on my way to class, when a deer ran out in front of me, and I swerved, running off the road and flipping the truck three times into a field. The truck/SUV was totalled, but I walked away only with thrush, cut hands, and a missing shoe.

Despite everything, I didn’t feel like I was lucky. I wished I’d died in the wreck. I was so close…why didn’t I die? I couldn’t even manage death, so to me, that felt like another failure. I was so use to being perfect in school, so why since I graduated, wasn’t I perfect anymore? That semester, I failed. I tried again the next semester, on academic probation, and I failed yet again. I had developed vasculitis, so I was even taking online classes that final semester, so I wouldn’t have to be on my feet all day. But whenever I tried to study or do my work, I couldn’t concentrate. My mind was wandering all the time. I was never focused. I couldn’t focus. At the end of that semester, I ran away again, this time getting about 4 hours away before I came to my senses and called home before Mom had even made it home from work. I turned around, and came home, for another verbal lashing over how I hated her, how stupid I was. I know Mom was only worried about me, and she does love me, but at the time, that was not what I needed to hear. I even tried to OD on some pills in the medicine cabinet, but despite taking 12 pills (yes, I counted them) of various pain killers, fluid pills, and allergy pills, I still felt the same as I had been. No death for me. It’s like no matter what I simply can’t die at my own hand. Something won’t let me.

Now, after lying about everything to my family and friends, my mom and uncle finally know everything that’s been going on. I only feel somewhat better, but that tendency to lie still rears its ugly head. I lie about stupid things before I even process what I’m saying. I make up my own world where I’m helping people and tell Mom about it before I even realize that I’m lying again, and when I finally do realize it, I feel so guilty for lying that I can’t fess up and tell the truth. I’m embarassed that I lied again, and want so much for people to trust me that I can’t even tell the truth for the little “accidental” lies. Now, I want desperately to go back to school to try for my BME in instrumental performance, but that doesn’t even seem attainable. I’ve failed two colleges. One, I withdrew from, and the other, I just screwed up. So now, there is no way out for me. I’m stuck at a minimum wage job where they won’t even let me work full time. I never know when my hours will be from week to week, because I have to remain flexible. At this rate, I won’t be able to even repair my truck or pay off some stupid credit card debts to my uncle that I accrued during my “do what feels good” period of playing games I couldn’t afford. And if I can’t pay those off, I can’t go back to school to fix what I did. And if I can’t fix what I did, I’ll never get the degree I dreamed of, and I’m a failure yet again.

I read about perfectionism leading to unipolar depression…and from what I’ve read, it seems to fit me to a “T”. But I still feel like it’s a cop-out, and I don’t know what to think. I try not to think about suicide anymore, but I do. I know I won’t do it, but it still feels like it would be so much better than this. I wouldn’t be such a burden to everyone, and the insurance money could be used to pay back my debts and for my funeral. I don’t really care if I do go to Hell anymore, because I know I deserved it, and I don’t deserve anything better. I want better things, but I know I don’t deserve them. Even if I did deserve them, I’d just fail again, and I don’t think I can take another failure. I just know that if I don’t try to begin with, I can’t let myself down. I can’t fail if I don’t try. Yeah, that’s it.

Well…I guess that’s what I wanted to say.

Mary says:
Sun, 2nd Nov 20088:45 am 

hello, my more elaborate stories are from earlier in life – but this college thing is whats bugging me. I just started college two months ago and made a big move. last fall i was at a different college, in my home town, with my best friends. but i realized after only three weeks that I truely had made my decision based off of other people and my comfort zone rather than advancing myself as a person. i was at the time dating a warm, excentric, girl who had moved to across the country for college. (the only of our friends to really leave) – in hearing my hopelessness she was scared and lectured to me the real possibility of moving somewhere more sensible for what I wanted to pursue. –so i weighed my options, took the rest of the year off to work, and now find myself at a shiny new art school in the middle of the city – 9 hours away from home. it really isn't bad here but i feel like i'm isolating myself. i had/have what i considered to be a very admirable, strong, and intelligent group of friends back at home – they really helped to shape me. now starting all over…i dunno…its very humbling. the closest friend i've made here is my roommate (thank goodness shes cool) but shes out a lot with other friends from a religion i'm not really apart of anymore. i'm slowly starting to make friends in my classes but the biggest problem (other than my shyness of course) is that i'm in with exactly the same 22 people in all 5 of my classes – & this city college has basically no campus. and i'm having a hell of a time trying to find a job. money is killing me. i want to join a gym or dance studio but i really can't afford it w/o a job. and the only club i was actually interested in joining won't e'mail me back. i'm gaining wieght! i've never gained weight in my life! and for the first time it really seems like a bad thing!! i'm having a hard time getting out of bed over the weekends and keep swinging between emotions. i'm bored, my body is bored, i'm used to being able to be there for people – help people – thats what feeds my ego – but there's noone around. am i really just absurdly picky with my friends, am i afraid to make new ones? have i forgotten how to do this?

Arianna Torres says:
Sat, 10th Jul 20103:13 am 

anxiety and depression are hard to treat if the patient has not been checked for years.*..