College Candy

Again, I saw the end well before I saw the beginning.

It’s a brand new day in the house and Hotlanta gets a call telling her that she’s going to be evicted. Dude, pay your rent – don’t use the cash to go on a reality show.

The challenge for this episode is ridiculous – like more so than usual. Flav wants to get married one day and he’s going to see if any of these girls are marriage material. Three teams of – I don’t know what they are doing. One’s a bride, another is a maid of honor and another writes an objection for another team. Why?

Hotlanta drinks to prep, as would I. Who donated the gowns for this mess?

Flav looks as bizarre as one would expect him to look for his own wedding. Tree objects to Black’s marriage to Flav in the most insane dramatical manner. Total man.

Hotlanta gets married while drunk. Sinceer objects and then there’s a commercial break.

And I missed stuff because I switched to MTV and found a “True Life” about a kid who wants to be a tap dancer – when I switched back, I missed the objection and Thing 2 is marrying Flav. Proto-type objects saying that Thing 2 didn’t know that his real name is William Drayton. Seriously?

This challenge was boring and the winner of the boring challenge is Thing 2’s team. Seezinz and the Things are moving on to the next challenge – they have to each write eulogies for Flav’s funeral. So they go to change into black dress to properly eugoogolize him.

And Flav can’t be bothered to act dead in the casket.

Sinceer cries about Flav’s music and fighting racism. Flav pretends to rise from the dead (after eating a burger in the casket) and the winner is Sinceer so she gets the solo date.

The girls get a note from Big Rick and he’s going to give the old timers a chance to evaluate the new girls. Danger ahead.

I think that I love that Hotalanta’s carrying a bottle of wine and has liquor stashed in the room.

So evaluations: Prototype works at Men’s warehouse and is a Miller Lite model. Oh, and she’s met Flav before. Black is a white girl who was honest about her uncertainty about him. Luscious D knows Flav through what she’s seen on TV. Tree is a tall crazy man. And no one is attracted to Flav. I love it.

The old timers decide that Black should win solo time with Flav – which entails cow PJ’s for Flav and leopard lingerie for Black. Ew no make out no make out no make out!!

Next day: Sinceer and Flav are going out – oh, I’m learning that Sinceer’s wedding objection was about what a sh*tty mom Hotlanta is. I’ll give her that.

And Hotlanta has not learned the cardinal rule of being a contestant on a dating show – which is don’t say anything that can be used against you. She says that Flav isn’t rich “this house isn’t even his.” That’s what I’m saying, but still, shut up.

Flav and Sinceer are on a tiny plane for their date and I think that’s pretty cool. I love Flav’s summation: “As the air was blowing through her hair weave, I was really, really feeling her.” And then, as the plane starts to crash, I realize that Flav is the pilot and this date is nowhere near the galaxy of cool. He almost killed them; Flaviator you are not.

After the date, Flav has one on ones – with Luscious D, who is boring and has dogs, which Flav hates. Tree wants to bring Hotlanta into her one on one time to call her out for saying that Flav was broke. Flav asks the rest of the girls if they heard it and they did, so Flav takes out his cash to prove that he’s not broke. Is that what you won at the race track? I didn’t see if those were all singles in that wad.

Hotlanta and Thing 2 play the ‘how close can I get to your face without touching it while screaming at you’ game and Flav finally tells everyone to shut the f*ck up. I’ve wanted to do that since seven minutes into Episode One.

Hotlanta tells Flav that she doesn’t need a man to support her and that if he doesn’t see that she’s a ‘real woman’ that she doesn’t need to be there. For the record, a real woman keeps liquor stashed in her bedroom and doesn’t pay her rent on time to ensure that her children have proper housing while she’s on a reality show.

Eliminations: The last two standing are Hotlanta and Luscious D.

Luscious D goes home – by the way, does she have some weird fungal growth on the side of her face or is it just my TV? She’s like 15 anyway. Flav calls Hotlanta down to get her clock – and sends her home with it.

I cannot believe that my picks for the final two, Prancer and Hotlanta/Nicole are both out.

Next time: The exes come. Thing 2 still bones her ex. And Flav cries.