When Pre-Pubescent Pop-Punk Procreates

Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz are engaged. I’ve been forced to accept this as truth and move on with my life. And while I’m not particularly fond of either party’s “work,” they fascinate me as a couple. Months after posting this video mocking pregnancy rumors, there are now legit whispers flying around that the King and Queen of crappy, pre-pubescent pop-rock do in fact have a baby on board…right next to their 12-pack of Redbull and group pile of skinny jeans. But if this is true, I’ve got some questions.

By Ccandyjessica

First, what kind of reality show train wreck do you think Papa Joe is going to concoct for the next nine months? “Pimp My Placenta” hasn’t been taken by fetus-look-a-like Tila Tequila, right? Because Ashlee and Pete can totes write the theme song and not include any vowels or integrity like they always never do.

I also worry about Ashlee’s vajayjay. Normally I’d feel weird thinking about her fun parts, but this is a pressing human rights issue. Not only does a pregnancy imply that her nana has already been violated by his—gulp—”fallout boy,” but it also needs to prepare itself for the spikiest baby hair of all time to pass through. Seriously. Can you imagine pooping out a porcupine? Yeah, it wouldn’t feel too awesome, would it?

When the baby finally jigs its way out into the real world, do you think it’ll be any bigger than Pete’s evening guyliner pencil? I’m pretty sure it was documented that he’s 4’11” and Ashlee stands at a willowy 5’1.” This baby is probably not going to outsize an iPhone (and it definitely won’t be able to Google the nearest Chipotle, so really…what’s the point in having a baby at all?).

Come to think of it, this tot is going to be a lot like one of those Troll dolls from the 80’s, isn’t it? With a disproportionately large head and small, feeble body; an awkwardly sharp coif and a vacant stare; void of any distinct personality, etc.

Speaking of a collective hot mess, $20 says the baby’s first words will be American Apparel. I just hope it won’t be looped on a backing track that skips when it goes live–or maybe the baby could have Jessica record his or her first words–Lord knows that other Simpson sister could use some sort of social relevance tossed her way.

Anywizzle, as aforementioned, I have an inexeplicable affinity for the two as a couple, so Ash and Pete, congrats on whatever is going on; if nothing else, you two always look super happy. It’s sort of annoying and always just reminds me that I am completely alone. But if you’re reading this and ever need a babysitter, I was definitely jaykaying about…you know…all that other stuff.