Why Jessica and Ashlee Simpson Are Pitiful: Blame Papa Joe

By CC Staff

So, Papa Joe might find me and kill me (or send out a swat team of lawyers). But I don’t care. I’ll put it bluntly, and to him: “Papa Joe, your family is hideous, and you’re to blame.”

I hate thinking about the Simpsons. I try not to think about them. Ever. But when I do think about the Simpsons, and conjure up their faces in my mind’s eye, it makes me want to stab my actual eyeballs with needles or a really sharp knife. Since I like my eyes, and appreciate all that they do for me (good jobs, eyes!), I try to avoid images of the Simpson clan. Nevertheless, the girls appear on a lot of my magazines and are picked on at most the blogs I surf every day. Inevitably, I am forced to think about them, even look at them.

I’m sure some of you think I’m being unduly harsh when speaking in such venomous tones. Indeed, the Simpson camp would agree with you. So, by all means, go ahead and join that nest of vipers. But I can’t help being critical. In my mind, they rank up there with the worst of the Hollywood hacks, a close tie with Parasite Hilton or Lindsay Blohan.

OK, that’s hyperbolic, as I am thinking of more counter-examples myself, not to mention that the Simpsons, like Lohan, are in a different category than Hilton types, who were born, literally born, with golden spoons in their . . . well, you get the point.

These days, the competition to make it to the realm of beyond-pitiful is steep. Nevertheless, my dislike for the Simpsons is extremely intense. When did it all begin? Let’s see, I remember that “innocent” reality show . . . aaaaah, yes, The Newlyweds. That guy, Nick Lachey . . . that’s when he was in the picture, too. But Papa Joe effectively cut him out, didn’t he?

I have to admit, I was drawn to the Newylweds, at least initially. The first season was kinda cute, despite the way they “played” up Jessica’s blonde airhead act. (Oh, and for your information, she’s, like, smart. A while back, Jessica’s mom told VF that she’s a genius with an I.Q. of 160+). Uh, I don’t buy it. I don’t buy it at all. I think it’s fair to say that Jessica is an idiot. Call me an elitist (oh, and thanks!), but that’s what I’ve determined. Her sister is right up there with her. I don’t, however, blame them for their stupidity.

Moreover, I do not think they are necessarily “dumb” by virtue of their genetics. I ascribe their idiocy to a type of frightening ignorance – seriously, who doesn’t understand what makes up a sausage? If I were to blame anyone, as I have already, and I plan to expound upon further, it would be their parents.

My main target: Papa Joe. The thought of their dad, his lascivious comments about Jessica’s breasts, and the way he manages both of his girls, absolutely positively disgusts me. The man is vile, vile, vile. (I mean, seriously, does your dad compliment your breasts?) He turned his two children into money-making fools.

The first one, Jessica, was thrown to the media wolves with her husband, Nick. Incidentally, Nick was already slaughtered. Once she became a household name, due to her marriage to Nick, Papa Joe (I surmise) pushed hubby out the door. Now I’m no Hollyweird scum insider, but I suspect that Jessica isn’t the happiest person these days. Oh, and a side note to that: even though my best friend bought me the complete season of the Newlyweds, I cringe at the thought of watching the final episodes – Jessica is no longer the ditzy, cute blonde, but a hypercritical bitch. I don’t care how much money she has, how hot she appears, or who she’s dating, I pity her, and being pitiable is terrible.

If the divorce had been a P.R. stunt with Papa Joe involved, which, I believe was probably the case, he made a brutal decision to be his daughter’s puppet master in her own intimate relationship. We’re talking about his knowledge of her sex life, with her husband, the man to whom she lost her virginity. The whole thing was practically a spectacle on television! Yes, it was sanitized. Fine. But who cares? It’s the implication, the fact that Papa Joe is present during those first few episodes, in which we find Jessica – the reality starlet – moaning and groaning about being a virgin, and then moaning and groaning about how much she needs sex. That’s just creepy, not her desire for sex, but her father’s overwhelming presence during that time. (Let us not forget, this man was a “minister” at one point).

You can blame the paparazzi all you want, claim that they depicted Jessica unfairly during her divorce, but I think if you look a little deeper, you’ll find more insidious pieces that implicate her father and his control over her career and personal life. I’ll talk about the paparazzi later. Suffice to say, that entity vis-à-vis celebs and their lives is far too big for the present piece’s objectives.

So, maybe Jessica’s 15 minutes are up. Of course, she got a clothing line out of it, shoes (crummy if you ask me), she’s dating Tony Romo (and I sincerely hope it’s a good thing for both of them – I mean that), and appears happy (the author is leery of her feigned “happiness” and “newly discovered independent spirit”), but what about her star? I think her star fell, crashed, and burned pretty hard. So, where did Papa Joe go after he extinguished it? Onto Ashlee’s putrid star of course!

While I sound sarcastic, biting, cruel, I hope you realize that I’m not treating these two people in a categorically flippant way. My intent is to highlight the fact that their own father took them to slaughter for his own gain. But let’s get something straight. They’re not “innocent” victims. Not at all. Like I just said, Jessica has benefited in numerous ways as a result of her stardom, and so has Ashlee. But as I move onto the little sis’ in my next piece, I want to emphasize their humanity, and the fact that author of this Simpson critique believes that they were raised by a man who deflated their humanness, and for his own, selfish reasons.

On a lighter note, I just wanna say something about Nick. I’m glad Nick got out when he did. I mean, Nick might be an average Joe in a hot man’s body, but he’s a good guy. He likes football. He likes cheap beer. He likes to have a good time. He seems low-key. Who wouldn’t wanna hang out with him and watch USC football? I don’t even like football, and I’m not particularly attracted to Mr. Lachey (I like bookish types myself), but I’d love to bullshit about sports over a brewksy with him – that wouldn’t be great. That would be awesome.

I used to get so peeved when Jessica would roll her eyes at him when he plopped in front of his big ol’ plasma to watch some football. With that said, I don’t think low-key people “jive” with Papa Joe. More importantly, I don’t think good, decent guys like Nick stand a chance in that nest, because it’s filled with vipers. What’s worse, Jessica and Ashlee are too ignorant to realize that they have the worst bites. Why? The two girls are two busy eating off their own tails.