Hyperbolic Pregnancy Rumors: Why Papa Joe’s Relationship to Ashlee is Even More Insidious (Part II)

As promised, I want to continue this series on why I find Jessica and Ashlee to be so insidious. As another esteemed blogger pointed out today, Papa Joe is up to something bad (again) with Ashlee and her overly eye-lined lover, Pete Wentz.

[On a side note: Pete, what, what, darling are you thinking? Didn’t you see what happened to Nick? I know you got a new deal with Nordstrom, and I guess that’s cool, but what’s making you so delusional? I mean, couldn’t you find another plasticized gal to replace Ashlee? I mean, it’s not Ashlee, it’s the fact that you’re marrying her dad, too! The guy is a creep, a class-A creep. Didn’t you watch the Newlyweds, or did the clan make you sign some contract, in which you agreed to NEVER pop it into your DVD machine?]

Let’s get back to the juicy stuff, and let Pete learn his own lesson. (I’ll be the first to express my sympathies to you, Mr. Wentz).

So, rumors abound in Hollyweird. Yes, there’s a whole lot of concern about Ashlee’s “bump.” (Hold on, I gotta go vomit. That overly used words makes me sick. Bump sightings here, there, everywhere – even guys have bumps these days!) There are so many friggin’ pregnancy rumors about Ashlee, you’d think the “rumor machine” would explode. If that’s the case, however, and Ashlee is pregnant, then let’s have a moment of silence. Why? Cuz’ Papa Joe is gonna appear at his vilest.

Let’s say this rumor is true, that Papa Joe is seeking a cool million buckaroos from PEEPS Mag for the putative baby pictures. Before all this pregnancy stuff started percolating, I was gonna discuss the way Papa Joe’s relationship to Ashlee is more disgusting, as it’s shadier, more under the radar than his practically incestuous relationship he has with her older sister. Case in point, I did an image search on Google for pictures of Papa Joe with Ashlee, and I couldn’t find one! (There is that creepy one, however, of Jessica’s neck wrapped around Papa Joe – she’s given him a juicy smack on his cheek. Ewwwww!)

Furthermore, I’m proud to say that I beat MSNBC’s gossip page, as I wrote the present piece 2 days BEFORE they posted this story about Papa Joe hopin’ to make money off of Ashlee’s baby products. (So, Haha, I’m not the only one making these suggestions!)

[Aaah . . . yes, here comes my Henry T’s burger, and it’s sizzlin’ hot. Hold on, I gotta take a bite and then sip a Free State beer. OK, I’m back, but if you’re ever in Lawrence, Kansas, check out Henry T’s and Free State Brewery – they’re awesome joints to just hang out, eat good bar food, and drink great beer!]

Come on, I’m a foodie!

So, anyways, as I was saying before I bit into my burger, it’s obvious that Papa Joe thought “cah-ching” the moment his two girls were born, and now he’s thinking it again, discussing it with Mephisto, and planning. I can hear him now, saying, “these girls need to prove their worth and become my baby factories! I need grandchildren, no, no, I need grandDAUGHTERS! Mephisto, snap, snap! I didn’t sign that contract for nothing!”

Let’s assume Ashlee gives birth to triplets, because twins in Hollywood are, like, so passé now. So, Ashlee and Petey got these three drooling triplets (scary, right?), and, thanks to modern science, they’re all girls. Since Papa Joe has been negotiating with PEEPS magazine – much to the chagrin of Petey – he’s now demanding MORE money, because it ain’t one baby, it ain’t two babies, it’s three, so PEEPS magazine has got themselves a spread of three tots AND their perfectly fashioned faux-pas punky parents! (I bemoan the death of authentic punk and I blame Papa Joe for that, too. Sid, dear, may you rest in peace.)

Some readers might have found my first piece lacking in content, perhaps some would suggest it was an argumentum ad hominem. That might be true, and maybe they’d say the same about this piece. But when a man is workin’ behind the scenes with Mephisto, it’s hard to get to the truth of the matter.

Papa Joe isn’t only vile, he’s elusive. When there appears to be no content, as in the case of his daughters’ vapid personalities (and that’s not JUST media spin), it’s hard to find the meat. The superficial surface is just too thin, which luckily for me is not the case with my Henry T’s burger! Rest assured readers, once Ashlee pops out three tots, the nastier, media-whoring attributes of Grandpa Joe will unfurl before our terrified eyes.

Also, what the hell happened to the mom? Did Papa Joe eat her? Or was her contract up, and she’s already been plucked from the earth?

Stay tuned . . .