The Top Five Least Sexy Heartthrobs

Maybe it’s just that I’m getting old and I don’t understand kids today. I don’t watch MTV, hell, I don’t even have cable, I don’t read Seventeen or Cosmo, and I only know so much about Disney stars as far as they have awkward-tastic scandals involving naked pictures. So obviously I’m missing something big if the following guys are supposed to be making my heart or other various parts of my body go pitter patter.

5. Daniel Radcliffe. You may be questioning if Mr. Potter himself could really be considered a heartthrob and I’m inclined to agree with you. After all, that is sort of what this post is all about. But apparently he is, he even has his own section on the Tiger Beat Website. I can admit that he’s cute in a pesky little brother sort of way, I’ll even admit that he was hilarious in his cameo on HBO’s Extras (“I’ve done it with a girl, intercourse wise”). But sexy? Absolutely not. And if that picture makes your girl parts tingly, well, maybe you should get that checked out.

4. Hayden Christensen. He’s one of the blandest, most white-bread boring guys I’ve ever looked at, and his complete dullness is compounded by the fact that he is an absolutely abysmal actor. I defy you to watch Jumper and say with a straight face, “What a great performance. Hayden Christensen is one of the brightest up and comers in my generation.” You can’t do it!

3. Orlando Bloom. I realize that I will probably be roasted on a spit for this choice, and I would be willing to chock it up to taste if he had any talent, but he’s a horrible actor. He reminds me of a limp noodle. He was funny on Extras, though (I’m sensing a pattern here).

2.Pete Wentz. What is the first word you think about when you hear Pete Wentz’s name? Talented? Nope. Handsome? I don’t think so. Jackass? Maybe. No, you probably think of the word “Eyeliner” because that’s really all he’s got going for him. I can’t really speak to his skills as a bass player because I try to stay as far away from Fall Out Boy songs as I can, but his musicianship isn’t a part of the equation for Wentz — it never really was. He’s known for wearing eyeliner. And for sort of being a douchebag.

1. Zac Efron You knew it was coming, didn’t you? Because Zac Efron’s name has become synonymous with the term “heartthrob” in this generation and for the life of me, I can’t understand why. He looks like a wax sculpture come to life, like if he was melted, I could use him to make my hands softer. His smile is so wide and his teeth are so big and his wax outer coating is so shiny and smooth that I’m half convinced that he was engineered by Disney (you know they have the technology!) to take over the world, one overly staged musical number at a time.

[Any other heartthrob you can't understand?? SPILL it!]