8 Arbitrary Rules of Public Transportation

I was born in New York, I live and work and play in New York, and chances are I’ll die in New York (hopefully not too soon). So I’ve taken a lot (lot LOT) of rides on the subway and the Long Island Railroad. And it has mostly sucked.Yesterday, during one subway ride alone, I experienced three (THREE!!!) subway faux pas(es?) during a 45-minute commute. Look, enough is enough. The time has come, my friends! Rules must be set in place. Action must be taken.

So here, for your thoughtful perusal, are my 8 Arbitrary Rules of Public Transportation:

(1) Thou Shall Not Hit Others In The Head With Thy Weave.

I’m minding my own business, listening to Weezer and wondering whether or not I’m going to be late to class, when these two women with orange faces and giant sunglasses (you know what I’m talking about? you know what I’m talking about) get on the train and sit practically on top of me. They are screaming about some other women that they apparently don’t like. And then–Weave Woman, who has the LARGEST blonde ponytail you have ever seen, WHACKS me in the face with her “hair.” This happens four more times before I finally can’t deal and I move. She never says sorry. Weave Woman, learn the rules.

(2) Thou Shalt Not Share Thy Bodily Fluids With The Entire Train.

Seriously? Seriously.

This guy the other day was SPITTING ON THE FLOOR OF THE TRAIN. Repeatedly. I sat across from him quietly, screaming inside and wishing for a germ mask a la hospitals or the streets of China.

(3) Thou Shalt Not Make A National Tragedy Thy Tourist Trap

A middle-aged couple asked me on the train yesterday how to get to Ground Zero. They had fanny packs and cameras. First of all, I actually don’t know how to get to Ground Zero because, for those of us who live here, it isn’t exactly the place to go. And secondly, please don’t cheapen this place of mass death. I don’t know. There’s not even a way to make a joke about this.

(4) Thou Shalt Not Treat Public Transportation As A Garbage Can.

Stop littering on and around the train!!! This is a public space that we have to share and that is rarely cleaned! Put your tissues in your pocket until we get above ground! Where were you raised, a barn!?

(5) Thou Shalt Not Listen To Thy Headphones So Loud That I Can Hear The Words From Three Seats Away.

You are going to go deaf. But not before I kill you.

(6) Thou Shalt Not Move Around A Lot, Knocking Into Me For A Prolonged Period Of Time, Making Me Want To Vomit In Your Hat.

Get your iPod out and your coat unzipped and your shoe tied in one trip. I don’t mind being bumped into once or twice, but after that, I’m like some kind of subway rage slow cooker and I will seriously boil your potatoes.

(7) Thou Shalt Not Keep Staring At Me After I’ve Acknowledged That I Know You’re Staring At Me Creepily.

If I look back, I have caught you. The rule is, you then stop looking at my boobies or feet or whatever creepy thing you’re doing. If you keep staring, I will cut you.

(8) THOU SHALT NOT CROSS ME. ON THE SUBWAY, ON THE BUS, ON A PLANE, OR ANYWHERE.

And thus ends my list.

[Have any of your own public transportation rules? The world needs to know...]