College Candy

Thankfully, I am not a teenager anymore, but sometimes I like to get nostalgic and reflect upon the days when my pudgy, controlling boyfriend cheating on me was an event akin to the apocalypse and no one articulated my feelings better than Davey Havok of AFI, bless his tranny heart.

For others looking to take a simultaneously funny and painful stroll down memory lane, may I recommend these literary gems to get you in the hormone-laden mood.

The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky: Written as a series of letters to an unidentified recipient, The Perks of Being a Wallflower is a charming little novella told from the perspective of Charlie, a shy and introverted freshman. True to teen book form, Charlie experiences all the usual touchstones of adolescence – crushes, family drama, drugs, sexual experimentation – but what makes the book stand out is Chbosky’s simple, straightforward writing style.

With excerpts like, “Sam tapped her hand on the steering wheel. Patrick held his hand outside the car and made airwaves. And I just sat between them. After the song finished, I said something. ‘I feel infinite,’” The Perks of Being a Wallflower is like reading the journal of that quiet kid that sat next to you in English that you always wanted to make out with. Plus, it was published by MTV in the days when the network was still clinging to some shed of credibility. Ah, memories.

War Boy by Kief Hillsbery: This underground treasure of a novel is The Perks of Being a Wallflower on crack. Where Wallflower is the tale of a more or less ordinary suburban teen, War Boy is a bang-up adventure following the deaf thirteen-year-old Radboy in his journeys through northern California with his twenty-something homosexual drug-addict skateboarding best friend Jonnyboy. Written in a slang-laden stream of conscious style and filled with references to every underground scene one could possibly encounter in San Francisco in the ‘90s, this book rocked my teenage world and stirred my punk girl spirit to such a degree that I almost ran away to Cali myself. Unfortunately, my mom wouldn’t let me go, but I still like to bust this one out when I’m feeling rebellious.

Middlesex by Jeffrey Eugenides: Hands down one of the most beautiful books ever written, Middlesex doubles as both the story of protagonist Calliope Stephanides’ life as a hermaphrodite and also an engaging history of her/his Greek family spanning from the Pontic Greek Genocides of the ‘20s to the Detroit race riots of the ‘60s.

While Eugenides admittedly devotes a number of pages to the events preceding Calloipe’s birth, at the core of this book is a study of the awkwardness of adolescence and the pain of evolving in to a functioning adult; a universal experience, whether you have ambiguous genitalia or not. Plus, Eugenides autographed a copy of the book for me in person, so…that’s how cultured and awesome I am. (Trust me, that information is absolutely relevant.)

The Virgin Suicides by Jeffrey Eugenides: So I debated as to whether or not I should include two Eugenides books on the list, but goddamnit, the guy knows his teenage woe. Like Middlesex, this book is set in 20th century Michigan; unlike Middlesex, The Virgin Suicides features a small herd of sisters (some of whom are virgins, none of whom are hermaphrodites) and a whole lot of suicide. Told from the perspective of an anonymous neighbor boy who, with his friends, obsesses over the sisters, this novel follows the decline of the conservative Lisbon family, beginning with the death of the youngest sister, Celia.

Ethereal and haunting, The Virgin Suicides perfectly captures the mysterious femininity of the maturing teenage girl and leaves the reader feeling deliciously melancholy. Best enjoyed in the shade of a flowering apple tree while wearing an airy white sundress.

Rats Saw God by Rob Thomas: By far the angstiest of the selections, Rats Saw God chronicles the high school experience of Steve York, a straight-A student turned major burnout after his parents split up and his first love ruthlessly mashes his heart to bits. SO My So-Called Life. However, Thomas manages to avoid the potential trap of melodrama overload and instead forges a novel that is both realistic and absorbing, and even ends happily without being schmaltzy. Plus, it contains one of my most favorite quotes on relationships ever, but I’ll let you read the book and figure out what it is. Correct guesses win $5000, or my admiration, which has a retail value of $5021.66.

So set aside that Psych 112 textbook and read something fun, kids!