The Hills: Where Sweet Jobs for Pretty People With No Skills Abound

Yesterday was one of the best Mondays I have had in a long time. I got some great personal news, it was Cinco De Mayo (so I celebrated that great news with some tequila shots) and Gossip Girl was so. freaking. good. And then The Hills came on, and my day took a turn for the worse.

I don’t know if it was the fact that everything was just so great all day or that maybe I am just finally catching on to what everyone else has been saying (that nothing ever really happens on this damn show), but I just didn’t have love for The Hills last night. Lauren turned into an uber snooty bitch and Lo, my favorite of all reality show stars, was the ring leader of bitchiness.

Not only did the Barbie Twins shun Audrina to her own house in the backyard, but they pretty much shunned her from their lives. They lay out by the pool without her, get a “roommate” sushi dinner without her and get a freaking puppy without her. It would be one thing if Lauren just embraced the fact that she sucks as a friend, but no; she tries to play the hero and acts all sad when Audrina isn’t around.

Newsflash, Lauren: Just because Audrina really isn’t doing anything at the recording studio, she does have to stay. It would be nice of you to possibly wait for her to get said “roommate dinner” instead of visiting for 5 seconds and getting mad when she can’t leave with you. Some people have to actually do work to hold a cool job. You just wouldn’t understand. (Note: The writer of this article doesn’t really think Audrina got her job based on skill and knows it was because she is on a TV show. The writer just needed to fake-believe that to make her point that Lauren is really starting to suck.)

In other fake job news, Heidi meets with her boss in attempts to move up the corporate ladder…and party in Vegas. Brent – a guy so ugly he is actually sorta hot – says a few words regarding a hotel in Vegas, to which Heidi responds:”Sounds brilliant.” It seems to me that someone has been reading, Business Meetings for Dummies where they teach you some big words to use to impress the bosses…when used correctly…unlike here.

Anyhoo, Heidi leaves the meeting and starts telling everyone that she is officially project manager and will be launching a hotel in Vegas. I know that MTV edits the sh*t out of this stuff, but did anyone else hear that in the meeting? All I heard was the boss basically telling Heidi that she needs to get her hands dirty and really focus on the job, instead of her douchebaggy BF.

But, of course Heidi was telling the truth! And of course Heidi – a girl with very few skills – gets to relocate to Vegas on a private jet with the company’s head honcho. And why not? She deserves it! She has been so good at holding the clipboards at those clubs and checking off people’s names as they walk in. Next stop: The Oval Office!

In all the excitement and packing and putting on makeup, Heidi never told Spencer she was leaving. And, shockingly enough neither did Stephanie. Instead, she kicked his broke ass out of her apartment. He, in turn, called her pathetic (the guy with no job living on his sister’s couch), stuck his fingers in his ears and screamed, “LALALALA I CAN’T HEAR YOU!” before packing a small overnight bag and heading back to Chateau de Speidi.

Spencer arrives and finds Heidi isn’t there. Spencer gets a sad puppy dog face. He knows she is gone. Even though she could have just been at work, like any normal person. It is the middle of the day. But he just knew. And he was sad.

You know what happens when Spencer gets sad! Inappropriate surprise visits! This time he follows her on an important business trip! I can’t wait to see what happens! Will they get back together? Or will Heidi find some other moron who wants to man-handle those over-sized silicon orbs?

And what about Audrina? Is she gonna ditch the bitches and find her own place? Will she and JB end up together?

We will see in the season finale next week. I have high expectations, so I hope MTV doesn’t disappoint again.