College Candy

1. YOUR FRIEND’S ROOMMATE

In this wacky age of co-ed cohabitation, it’s common to spot a likely young man in your friend’s apartment. At first, it can seem natural to make out with him. You have so much in common! For example: you both spend a lot of time in his apartment! There is nothing more erotic, for two people, than seeing each other ALL THE DAMN TIME. Am I right?

I am wrong. Face facts: you are going to stop sleeping with this guy. I don’t know what you do with people you’ve stopped sleeping with, but I, being Amish, shun them for life. It is the only way. Unfortunately, this gentleman’s proximity to your friend means that, when you call a ceasefire on the boning – or when he calls it, which can happen – you’re going to have to stay friendly.

It’s going to suck.

2. DUDE YOU MET ON CRAIGSLIST

There is only one dude you meet on Craigslist. He has many disguises – horny lawyer, horny accountant, horny ice cream truck man – but he is the same dude. He’s a magical shapeshifter!

He’s also a shady perv. Dude You Met On Craigslist thinks that a perfect date would consist of tying you to his radiator and making you watch the puppet shows he performs with human organs. Some of them would be yours.

This may seem like a radical assumption, but I’ve had my fact-checkers look into this, and they concur: that dude you met on Craigslist is creepy.

Also, they are all dead.

3. YOUR CO-WORKER

Work, aside from destroying your soul, has only one purpose: to trap you in a room with random guys. Some of them will be hot.

You must not, under any circumstances, sleep with these gentlemen. Once the deed is done, you are going to be trapped with them, doing work, and while you’re supposed to be focusing on databases or cash registers or whatever the hell work things you have to do, you will be thinking one thing, and one thing only:

This person stuck his finger up my butt. For fun.

4. YOUR FRIEND’S EX

Yea, for it is written in the Scrolls of Amish Shaming: he whom my sister shuns, so shall I. ‘Tis a fine barn, English. Or something.

Therefore, when referring to your friend’s ex, you are allowed to raise the following topics:

A) His overbite. It’s so much more noticeable now that they’re not dating!

B) His hair – what was up with it? Do you think he made it look like that on purpose? If so, why?

C) The fact that he was an idiot man-child, whom you never liked, and that your friend could so do better than.

Here are the topics you are not allowed to raise:

A) The fact that you blew him.

For, as the Amish say: Lord, I shall cut a bitch if she doth touch Eric. Verily, mine good sickle shall take her down.

5. YOUR EX

For God’s sake, woman, have you no conception of Amish law? SHUN THE MAN! SHUN! SHUN!