Amy says:
Thu, 8th May 20086:17 am 

OMG! I read this and could relate to every word…it has gotten to the point now were I feel like once i move out of this house I will end all contact with her…but yes you and I have similar stories. Im also curious do you have any siblings? I have a younger brother and the great relationship that she has with him also makes it hard.

Ace says:
Thu, 8th May 20086:59 am 

Thank you so much for this post. I had an experiance similar to yours. Growing up everyone loved my mother, she was a great cook and wonderful host but to me she was harsh, strict and overly critical. I spent most of my young life sobbing over something she said or screaming because of it. I was a bad kid I suppose, but not nearly as bad as she thought I was. At 18 I moved away after a few boughts in therapy, boarding school, all girls school, you name it. I moved 15 hours away into my own apartment and was finally able to begin to speak to my mother. We still can't spend too much time together before we fight and she still doesnt "take care" of me and has a hard time saying I love you but it's better. But I just wanted to say thank you, and you're not the only one. Check out my blog if you get a chance, some of the earlier posts address the same issue.

http://adreamorvision.blogspot.com/

Mal says:
Thu, 8th May 20087:01 am 

Yeah i can relate too.

Things have gotten better with Mom and i since i moved out, for sure. But i literally hated her for a long time (even though i have to love her, you know?)

Janers says:
Thu, 8th May 20087:58 am 

I can totally relate

My mom goes back and forth, sometimes she's Joan Crawford, the other, Mother Mary/a saint.

So, that makes it harder to get mad at her.

Though, don't get me wrong, I do.

Once a while ago, she told me, she had failed with me, and was going to adopt another little girl and start over with her (and then she tried to). She also told me I was possessed by demons. :/

BUT

ever since I moved out (2.5 years) and back in now, things have been A LOT better, not perfect, but 89-91%? better

I say watch "Mommy Dearest" and "White Oleander"

these movie will make you feel better.

Also, openly speak to your mom about how you feel about her, and ask her (do not be critical though) to go to therapy together with you. If you/she doesn't want to pay for it, a lot of churches will help for free.

Ree says:
Thu, 8th May 20085:55 pm 

Yes.

My mother and I will NEEEVER get along.

Cat says:
Sat, 17th May 20082:18 pm 

Hell yes. I can totally relate.

lizz says:
Sun, 25th May 200811:34 pm 

My mother and I have never actually gotten along. I don't live with her, I live with my dad and stepmom, but it has always been hard to deal with her. Like yours, my mom has needed therapy for a while and once she finally agreed to go she was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder, which explained much of my childhood, but even then she claims that it is just a scapegoat of the medical world. Sometimes things are great with her and then she just snaps, and I have such a horrible temper from having to put up with her my whole life I snap too. The best thing to do would to try and get family counseling, I know it helped my family and I a lot, and if she doesn't agree to that, just be patient and as understanding as possible. But no you are not the only one who can not get along with your mother.

Debbie says:
Mon, 18th Aug 20082:25 pm 

OMG – You are all spoiled little princesses. Your moms probably spent a good deal of their lives devoting themselves to you. And now you can't even give them the time of day. All we want for our children is to see them grow up responsible, respectable, and gracious, and most of the time you are only to other people. I have a daughter who has fooled a lot of people. She is the picture of charm to everyone else, except when she's home. She has a lot of people fooled. When she's home she's rude, disrespectful, self-entitled, and lazy, and thinks she deserves special favors, and quite frankly, I'm sick of it. It's time to put an end to all the princesses of the world and to say, "STOP BEING SO FULL OF YOURSELF AND REALIZE WHAT YOUR MOTHERS HAVE GIVEN UP FOR YOU!" One day you may be a mother yourself, and I can only hope that your daughter will put you through the crap that a lot of us moms have had to put up with. Praise to all the moms out there who have been dealing with self-indulgent little princesses. May you stand up and say "ENOUGH" and start finding yourself again as I am trying to do!

shabrya says:
Sat, 18th Oct 20085:28 pm 

Dear Debbie,

Don't ever post a comment as stupid as you just did. Don't you think we know what out mothers have done for us? But if youve never been in a situation where youve cried yourself to sleep wondering why your mother hates you, then you have no right to judge anything that these ladies are saying.

margaret says:
Sat, 25th Apr 200912:22 pm 

Since I was small I never understood why my mother never hugged, kissed or played with my sister and I. She ignored us as much as she could, put a key around my neck on a string so she could go off to work and not deal with us. If we were quiet and “good” we got a small allowance to buy toys with. If we crossed her at all even that small luxury was snatched away.
When I was nine she decided to try for a boy and my younger sister was born. From day one my older sister was used as a babysitter and if the baby cried and we were near, we got punished. My sister was beautiful, blonde and blue eyed. She could have been on a baby ad… and my mother could not get enough of her. She was immensely pround that this beautiful girl was hers. Nothing was too good, expensive or out of reach for this child. Her wish was my mothers command. My mother would spend the next 50 years moving to be next to her, giving her support emotionally and monetarily, ignoring her other two children.
Two years ago at age 60 I went in to surgery and had a massive allergic reaction to the anesthetic. My heart stopped and doctors told my family I must have had a heart attack and once they took me off the heart lung machine I would die. My husband called my mother so she could come for a last visit. She and my sister were too busy that weekend!!
After that I decided that no matter how much I tried to get my mom to love me, she simply was damaged and could not. It was not my fault or hers…she was damaged just as if she had a deformed body only it was something in her mind that was wrong. My sister turned into a brat, has few friends except my mother and constantly fighting with her husband (her second) and daughter (a carbon copy of herself). I am sad, but at 60 years old do not love my mother. It would have been nice to have a loving family when I grew up but life is not always fair. I do as little as possible now, visit as little as possible as she is toxic for me and I do not need it. My mantra when I must be near her is…”let it go, let it go’” I whisper it in my mind until I can get away from her. It is sad but life does not always give you what you need. I was lucky to be a strong person who could walk away and take care of myself and my own family. I worked hard and made my own way and doubt if I will even speak much to my sister once mom is gone. That should be soon as she is suffering from terminal cancer. While my sister weeps I shall be thinking to myself….” FREE, FREE AT LAST!”

Eva says:
Mon, 25th May 20092:40 am 

Debbie,

dont be selfish and ignorant of people around..dont think that everyone is in the same situation as u and is lucky enough to have a good mother that u might have. Not all mothers are ideally what we expect them to be. Ive always had a bad relationship with my mum and i hated her, though im supposed to love her. I dont tell people coz self minded people like u will just say im rude and unappreciative,etc..but the truth is YOU dont know me and what hell ive been through with my mother..

Dont JUDGE coz u know NOTHING abt me n others who r in the same situation..spoiled little princesses? Maybe YOU are the one who's spoilt coz ur mother treated u good and thats why u dont even care to listen to other's problems but only critisize what they have to say…

OPEN UP YOUR EYES and Your NARROW MIND for heavens sake…

JustCantDeal says:
Sun, 7th Jun 200910:25 am 

yes! I'm glad to read this post so I can feel like I'm not going crazy. Growing up my mother was always critical and controlling towards me, and it wasn't til my teenage years I started to think it wasn't my fault. I spent my teenage years trying to persuade her not to treat me like that, and I tried everything to get her to listen, but she would not. To make things worse she seems to mostly get along ok with my sister. Finally I moved out 3.5 years ago and I have never once regretted it. I (still) do not miss my mum and I really only keep in touch with her because I feel its my duty. Sure I love her, but I see her as a sad person who needs help, and I sometimes wonder what happened to make her that way. I worry what impact my bad relationship with her has had on my life, especially my self esteem and relationships, but I just try to do the best I can anyway. I think right now I almost have a sense of grief for the parent I never had, and a sense of frustration at having had to be the adult/bigger person in the relationship. It has made dealing with female authority figures like teachers or bosses really hard work, but at least I can benefit from a pseudo-mum sometimes.

I'veGivenUp says:
Thu, 23rd Jul 20098:24 pm 

JustCantDeal,

I understand everything you said completely. I too have ALWAYS had to be the adult in my relationship with my mother. Just when I think it's all starting to get better…it gets bad yet again. My mother is in serious need of some therapy, but she just won't go. She has been using drugs my entire life and I don't approve of her lifestyle at all, and that makes it even worse between us. It's hard to tell what kind of a mood she is going to be in from day to day, and I have actually started avoiding having any contact with her at all because I am just so sick of fighting with her. It is impossible for her to just walk away. I will walk away or ask her to leave because I don't want to fight, and five minutes later she will send me nasty text messages or call and tell me what a horrible person I am. She makes it so hard for me to love her sometimes. And…in response to the post above from Debbie…How Dare You judge any of us!!! Living with my mother wasn't easy when I was growing up, and having a relationship with her as an adult hasn't really been any easier. You should just be glad that you have a mother you can love and who loves you back. I would love for you to spend a day walking in my shoes and dealing with the things I have to deal with from my mother on a daily basis. My mother never gave up ANYTHING for me. Not the drugs, or the men, or the constant crazy lifestyle. I thank God every single day that my father got custody of my sister and I when my parents got divorced. I can't even imagine what kind of a person I would be today if my mom had raised me.

TallPrincess says:
Sun, 9th May 201012:12 pm 

I am having issues with my mother as well. Growing up, it was always about my mother! We were always so close, especially when she and my father divorced. Yes, we got into arguments about one particular guy I dated when I was in high school; and perhaps, in hindsight, I'll agree that, that argument was warranted. However, now that i'm in my mid- late twenties, our relationship has been detrimentally miserable. Three years ago, "and she'll aways begin negative reflection of any kind, in that time period, being that is the exact time frame that I and the love of my life have been together". First, it was because I was doing certain things for my boyfriend, she'd somehow internalize that as negative and state that I don't care about her, and that I'm "disrespectful". Also, just yesterday, she wanted hurt me with things that have previously taken place in my life like an attempted suicide, and being diagnosed with a serious medical disease, because I did not help her carry in the groceries. Today is mother's day, and even though, technically, I should be with her, but the aura and vibe in my apartment is stagnant, stuffy, and uncomfortable. I just had to get some air and get out 2day. I'm a caseworker, and I work over 100 hours a week. I'm sorry if you get mad because I want to sleep in and not be woken up at 8 in the morning when you come home from the grocery store. I needed some fresh air, because she's really got me feelin like I'm losin my mind. It's not even like I get any peace with her, she called me and accused me of caring for my significant other's mother more than she. All I could was exhale, because I can't make any headway with her, and something about the way she talks to me and verbally abuses me, has me feeling like she's rendered me paralyzed to even speak and stand up for myself; Am I even allowed to stand up for myself?

Kitty says:
Sat, 12th Feb 20112:33 pm 

Last time I checked, children were not born by "accident" people had sex and that produced a child, who never asked to be here or to be a burden on the poor woman/man who have created that child. Too many people feel sorry for themselves and like to point fingers. Yes mothers sacrifice a lot for their children, blame society, not the children themselves. It is very hard to be a parent, and not everyone is up for the job, maybe we should make it easier for people to get the help they need, to be able to ask for it without judgement and condemnation rather than trashing both sides.

kitty says:
Sat, 12th Feb 20112:34 pm 

A lot of people do not get the perfect childhood, once you are an adult, it is up to you to fix the problems that came from growing up in your family. If you do not, then you are to blame, not your parent.

My mom is not all cudly and fuzzy, she has said some really horrible things to me and done even worse, but she is my Mom, she worked 3 jobs to feed me and my brothes and she always took good physical care of us. The fact that she did not posess the needed skills/whatever to take care of the emotional part and that she was overworked and stressed out did not help. My mom didn't do it on puropose, neither did any of yours, stuff happens and life can be really hard. Why is no one trashing the Dads and their contributions? Maybe if women didn't have so much on their plates and if MEN would take a hand in raising their children, and running the household, mothers would be able to have the time to get the help that they need.

Kitty says:
Sat, 12th Feb 20112:35 pm 

Oh, and Debbie, you are a true d-bag for not recognizing that these people are feeling real pain and no one, not you or I has the right to judge them on that. What makes you so perfect that you think that you know what happened in their live? You should learn to be more open and stop blaming your daughter for how you feel about yourself. If she is truly the way you say she is, then you are part of the problem as you raised her to be this way, kids don't turn out like this on their own. Is she magically supposed to transform into some sort of wonderful person who does everything for herself if you have never given her the skills to do so?

bella says:
Wed, 16th Feb 20117:51 pm 

Yep, it's NPD Narcissistic Personality Disorder and that is my mother, as well. People with NPD will never admit they have a problem, you either put up with the grief or move on…black or white. I live with my elderly NPD mother and everyday is hell for me. I feel like I'm going to have a heart attack and die long before her, if I don't get any relief soon.

Lizzy says:
Sun, 31st Jul 201112:04 am 

My mother and me barrelly get along. Shes always on my back and judging on how I do things. She dosnt appreciate what I do for her. When ever she would say something to me like for example “get of the computer and go to bed” I would say to her “until you send your boyfriend home and go to bed”. I would ALWAYS talk back to her. Everyone thinks she’s an awesome mom and they wish she was theirs. If I was a wish granter I garrantee you I’ll grant that wish cause with my mom I live in hell. I feel like running away but no where to because they know my mother and they could possibly tell her. I get suicidal thoughts because shes always treating me bad. She never wants me to get exercise and eat healthy. And honestly I’m not fat or overweight. My mother would keep me trapped indoors and when I get lucky she let’s me go out with my friends. I feel bad that my younger brothers have to put up with it every single day. My mother is a single mom and wishes she never had children and I know it. My life can’t be completed because I can’t get along with my mother. I have other stories. And I need advice. Please help I’m turning 13 in a few months and have bad communication with my mother and we never get along and my birthday wish is to get along with her. Some one please help!!!

Ashley says:
Sun, 2nd Oct 20115:04 pm 

I know what your saying, but you need to know that there are girls in much worse situations out there. My mother and I have not been able to get along ever since my little brother was born. I have always been forced to act as the adult, where my mother is the most irresponsible person I know. She shouldnt have had kids. I cant even remember the last time she huged me or told me "she loved me". I recently just turned 18, and we no longer even speak. Shes completley two faced towards me and my friends. She acts like a "perfect and caring mother" when in reality shes not, well she is towards my brother but not me. She does the best she can and I know that but sometimes thats not enough.

Ashley says:
Sun, 2nd Oct 20115:04 pm 

We have tried everything, counceling, she has sent me away, everything. Yet nothing ever worked because in order to fix a relationship, both people need to be willing to fix it, and I remember as a child doing everything I could to try and make her happy, clean like crazy, kiss ass, but nothing ever worked. So one day I just faced reality and gave up. Giving up is not in my nature, but sometimes we have to let it go. I also think that there is something severly wrong with my mother as well, but I have never been able to figure it out. I have been examining her my entire life trying to figure out her thought process and nothing fits! But it has helped me figure out what I am doing with my life, becoming a neuropsycologist. So try not to force it, because we cant change thoes who refuse to change or are already set in their ways.

Teri says:
Sat, 22nd Oct 20114:48 pm 

Wow I am surprised at how much I can relate to most of the comments in this discussion. I am 22 years old & have always had trouble getting along with my mom mom for as long as I can remember. Granted that now my relationship with her is a little before, yet there are still outbursts of anger between us because of disagreements. I feel that I have trouble maintaining strong, healthy relationships with others because of the dynamic between she & I have that subconsciously reflects this dynamic, like trouble with female authority figures that closely resemble my mother’s negative traits. Until recently I told myself to stop feeling guilty about the issues I’ve dealt with all my life & trying to release this negativity because I no longer want to carry it around, its not healthy to live in this state of mind. I know I’m young & still got my whole life ahead of me to figure things out. Thank you all for sharing, its reassuring to know I’m not the only one dealing with these similar challenges.

Pm says:
Fri, 28th Oct 201111:24 pm 

I need help with my mother also. She, on a fairly regular schedule hurts my feelings by pointing out every flaw about me. Don’t get me wrong I love her with all my heart but I struggle with that because it’s very difficult to find ways to relate to her. Admittedly I am a sensitive person, what she says to her own daughter is completely unacceptable. She yells at me for not having good grades, not being good enough at sports for the money she pays (my fathers money btw. She doesnt have a job) she tells me I don’t have a good enough social life even though just recently we had to move 900 miles away from a home I lived in for my entire social life. She also tells me that I don’t do enough around the house even though I feed cats, clean my room, help take care of a horse, do the dishes, and try to finish my homework in the time I have after that. She complains she has to do everything but that’s only because when I don’t get to the stuff fast enough she does it herself and then complains about it. I do try to get along with her by talking to her and attempting to relate what she says but then when I do se complains I’m trying to “one-up” her by saying the opposite of her. All I’m trying to do is start a conversation and sometimes we don’t agree in opinion and all I’m trying to get out of Talking to her and getting a chance at a normal relationship with her. She also does not approve of my friends so most of the time the ones I make at school I won’t bring home for fear of hearing everything wrong about them. I don’t even have bad friends. If one of them comes off as snooty the whole family laughs at them around the dinner table. I feel horrible about that because now I have to not only make sure I get along with friends but my mom has to approve of their personality, their style of clothing, their hair color, their hair style and it’s become unbearable. My mother is a very judgmental woman and when I call her out on it she claims she’s giving “constructive criticism” and it’s completely obviously not. Thanks for listening it’s amazing to finally be able to say something:)

Daughter Darling says:
Sat, 4th Feb 20126:37 pm 

My mother would always praise others but not me. She likes to point out my flaws in front of everyone. I'm constantly being compared to my cousin. I tried to be a better daughter, I studied very hard, I bought her things when I started to work… but nothing seems good enough for her. I'm tired trying to please her. She would often complain that my father isn't good enough, but honestly, my father is a great person. My mom would often criticise him, while she NEVER worked. She told my father to buy a new house, but he was unable to cope with the monthly installments. Guess what? She told my dad to go ahead with the purchase anyways since my brother & I are both working- WE, the children would pay for the house!!

Daughter darling says:
Sat, 4th Feb 20126:37 pm 

I'm 26 this year. I have a great boyfriend and we have plans to get married. However, I don't have much savings since I've been giving 20% of my pay to my mother and also, I've been paying my college loan.
My mom is not grateful at all. She told me to give her MORE of my pay, just so she could go Korea… If I listen to her anymore, I must be nuts! I tried to explain to her that I can't give her more money- she simply brushed me off as being selfish. Everyone has to sacrifice to make this dowager happy. Then I realised that, she has been using the money I gave her to buy lottery!

Miss understood says:
Wed, 8th Feb 20122:17 am 

Wow, I could really relate to all this! Even though I’m grateful for how much my mom has give up for me, and how hard she worked to pull the family out of poverty, I really hated her growing up! I felt ashamed because everyone is supposed to love their mothers, but I was the only one who loathed her with a passion. She had put me through traumatic emotional and physical abuses when I was younger, and even though she’s gotten a lot better I still couldn’t help it. I felt like she had betrayed me, taken something precious away from me, and I couldn’t bare that she never felt apologetic about the unnecessary loss of self I went through due to her. I wanted to commit suicide at the age of 7, and the thought stuck with me for a long time. Now that I’m 16, the problems still don’t stop. I used to believe every word she said against me, but the older I got the more I realized how much more open-minded and accepting I was compared to her. She’d always say hateful things about other people whether it regards to their race, their appearance, their “stupidity”, etc. The more I heard the more I couldn’t stand her!!! I could easily ask her a question about school, and she could end up to reply with a whole fricking monologue on her sad life and marriage, how everyone abandoned her and how much suffering she went through with her marriage!!! I was disgusted by her. It was her own choices that lead to her own demise, and she can’t get over it even after having told the story for 14 years straight!

I’m so jealous of those with the nice normal families. If I had grown up with a dad, sensible mom, I would not have spent hours crying into my pillow because of my mom’s aggressiveness. I never yelled nor gotten angry easily, but when my mother does I get do frustrated I just have to scream back, and it commences into this big fat ugly battle. I tell her I act this way because it’s the way of how she treats me, but she tells me that she only starts screaming because I was being unreasonable. What the fuck is reason in this stupid family?