A Different Kind of Mother’s Day: Why Can’t I Get Along With My Mom?

May 8, 2008 - 10:30 am By CC Staff

I was always jealous of girls who had a good and healthy relationship with their mother. My envy was something that none of my friends could ever understand.

When they were around my mom, she was the coolest mom anyone knew. She made the most mouth-watering desserts. She was HILARIOUS and even outlandish in many scenarios. She was over-hospitable and generous in every way. She’d take me out with my friends and pay for their movie, their dinner, their shopping sprees…She was the mom that all of my friends wanted, or so they thought.

The unfortunate thing is that my mom probably should have been going to therapy her entire life — but she never did. The result has been pretty destructive to our relationship, and her relationship to everyone else as well.

Behind closed doors growing up, she damned me to hell routinely. I really wasn’t a bad kid at all, but she grounded me for anything she could think of: getting a B in a class, making her late to church, or simply disapproving of my father doing all of her papers for her when she went back to college.

She has no filter on her mouth. She’s the most critical person I know and it’s evident to everyone around her that she really does say things solely to hurt other people on a regular basis. She has no problem using racial slurs and calls me a ‘back slider’ when I tell her she’s a racist. She torments me daily over when I’ll get married (despite the fact that I don’t want to and I’ve made that clear). My father has had two heart attacks and she still refuses to buy healthier food for him, even when he asks her to. And no, she doesn’t have a job…but she totally controls my father’s money…even to the point of checking his receipts on a daily basis. It goes on and on and on and on.

Sometimes we have a nice time together. Sometimes she makes me laugh and insists on taking care of me. And even once in a while..she tells me that she loves me.

I feel guilty, however, about my feelings toward my mother. More or less, I think she needs serious help, but even beginning to approach that conversation with her leads to full out war…we’ve all tried this already. I know I’m not the only daughter out there wondering why I can’t get along with my mother…so are they any others on here? Do any of you girls always clash with your mother no matter how hard you try to be friends?

13 Comments		Posted in Reality
		Tags: bad relationship with mother, damned to hell, mother, mother daughter problems, My mother, racist. mom, therapy

13 Comments on "A Different Kind of Mother’s Day: Why Can’t I Get Along With My Mom?"

Amy says:
Thu, 8th May 200811:17 am

OMG! I read this and could relate to every word…it has gotten to the point now were I feel like once i move out of this house I will end all contact with her…but yes you and I have similar stories. Im also curious do you have any siblings? I have a younger brother and the great relationship that she has with him also makes it hard.

Ace says:
Thu, 8th May 200811:59 am

Thank you so much for this post. I had an experiance similar to yours. Growing up everyone loved my mother, she was a great cook and wonderful host but to me she was harsh, strict and overly critical. I spent most of my young life sobbing over something she said or screaming because of it. I was a bad kid I suppose, but not nearly as bad as she thought I was. At 18 I moved away after a few boughts in therapy, boarding school, all girls school, you name it. I moved 15 hours away into my own apartment and was finally able to begin to speak to my mother. We still can’t spend too much time together before we fight and she still doesnt “take care” of me and has a hard time saying I love you but it’s better. But I just wanted to say thank you, and you’re not the only one. Check out my blog if you get a chance, some of the earlier posts address the same issue.

http://adreamorvision.blogspot.com/

Mal says:
Thu, 8th May 200812:01 pm

Yeah i can relate too.

Things have gotten better with Mom and i since i moved out, for sure. But i literally hated her for a long time (even though i have to love her, you know?)

Janers says:
Thu, 8th May 200812:58 pm

I can totally relate

My mom goes back and forth, sometimes she’s Joan Crawford, the other, Mother Mary/a saint.

So, that makes it harder to get mad at her.

Though, don’t get me wrong, I do.

Once a while ago, she told me, she had failed with me, and was going to adopt another little girl and start over with her (and then she tried to). She also told me I was possessed by demons. :/

BUT

ever since I moved out (2.5 years) and back in now, things have been A LOT better, not perfect, but 89-91%? better

I say watch “Mommy Dearest” and “White Oleander”

these movie will make you feel better.

Also, openly speak to your mom about how you feel about her, and ask her (do not be critical though) to go to therapy together with you. If you/she doesn’t want to pay for it, a lot of churches will help for free.

Ree says:
Thu, 8th May 200810:55 pm

Yes.

My mother and I will NEEEVER get along.

Cat says:
Sat, 17th May 20087:18 pm

Hell yes. I can totally relate.

lizz says:
Mon, 26th May 20084:34 am

My mother and I have never actually gotten along. I don’t live with her, I live with my dad and stepmom, but it has always been hard to deal with her. Like yours, my mom has needed therapy for a while and once she finally agreed to go she was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder, which explained much of my childhood, but even then she claims that it is just a scapegoat of the medical world. Sometimes things are great with her and then she just snaps, and I have such a horrible temper from having to put up with her my whole life I snap too. The best thing to do would to try and get family counseling, I know it helped my family and I a lot, and if she doesn’t agree to that, just be patient and as understanding as possible. But no you are not the only one who can not get along with your mother.

Debbie says:
Mon, 18th Aug 20087:25 pm

OMG – You are all spoiled little princesses. Your moms probably spent a good deal of their lives devoting themselves to you. And now you can’t even give them the time of day. All we want for our children is to see them grow up responsible, respectable, and gracious, and most of the time you are only to other people. I have a daughter who has fooled a lot of people. She is the picture of charm to everyone else, except when she’s home. She has a lot of people fooled. When she’s home she’s rude, disrespectful, self-entitled, and lazy, and thinks she deserves special favors, and quite frankly, I’m sick of it. It’s time to put an end to all the princesses of the world and to say, “STOP BEING SO FULL OF YOURSELF AND REALIZE WHAT YOUR MOTHERS HAVE GIVEN UP FOR YOU!” One day you may be a mother yourself, and I can only hope that your daughter will put you through the crap that a lot of us moms have had to put up with. Praise to all the moms out there who have been dealing with self-indulgent little princesses. May you stand up and say “ENOUGH” and start finding yourself again as I am trying to do!

shabrya says:
Sat, 18th Oct 200810:28 pm

Dear Debbie,

Don’t ever post a comment as stupid as you just did. Don’t you think we know what out mothers have done for us? But if youve never been in a situation where youve cried yourself to sleep wondering why your mother hates you, then you have no right to judge anything that these ladies are saying.

margaret says:
Sat, 25th Apr 200912:22 pm

Since I was small I never understood why my mother never hugged, kissed or played with my sister and I. She ignored us as much as she could, put a key around my neck on a string so she could go off to work and not deal with us. If we were quiet and “good” we got a small allowance to buy toys with. If we crossed her at all even that small luxury was snatched away.
When I was nine she decided to try for a boy and my younger sister was born. From day one my older sister was used as a babysitter and if the baby cried and we were near, we got punished. My sister was beautiful, blonde and blue eyed. She could have been on a baby ad… and my mother could not get enough of her. She was immensely pround that this beautiful girl was hers. Nothing was too good, expensive or out of reach for this child. Her wish was my mothers command. My mother would spend the next 50 years moving to be next to her, giving her support emotionally and monetarily, ignoring her other two children.
Two years ago at age 60 I went in to surgery and had a massive allergic reaction to the anesthetic. My heart stopped and doctors told my family I must have had a heart attack and once they took me off the heart lung machine I would die. My husband called my mother so she could come for a last visit. She and my sister were too busy that weekend!!
After that I decided that no matter how much I tried to get my mom to love me, she simply was damaged and could not. It was not my fault or hers…she was damaged just as if she had a deformed body only it was something in her mind that was wrong. My sister turned into a brat, has few friends except my mother and constantly fighting with her husband (her second) and daughter (a carbon copy of herself). I am sad, but at 60 years old do not love my mother. It would have been nice to have a loving family when I grew up but life is not always fair. I do as little as possible now, visit as little as possible as she is toxic for me and I do not need it. My mantra when I must be near her is…”let it go, let it go’” I whisper it in my mind until I can get away from her. It is sad but life does not always give you what you need. I was lucky to be a strong person who could walk away and take care of myself and my own family. I worked hard and made my own way and doubt if I will even speak much to my sister once mom is gone. That should be soon as she is suffering from terminal cancer. While my sister weeps I shall be thinking to myself….” FREE, FREE AT LAST!”

Eva says:
Mon, 25th May 20097:40 am

Debbie,
dont be selfish and ignorant of people around..dont think that everyone is in the same situation as u and is lucky enough to have a good mother that u might have. Not all mothers are ideally what we expect them to be. Ive always had a bad relationship with my mum and i hated her, though im supposed to love her. I dont tell people coz self minded people like u will just say im rude and unappreciative,etc..but the truth is YOU dont know me and what hell ive been through with my mother..

Dont JUDGE coz u know NOTHING abt me n others who r in the same situation..spoiled little princesses? Maybe YOU are the one who’s spoilt coz ur mother treated u good and thats why u dont even care to listen to other’s problems but only critisize what they have to say…
OPEN UP YOUR EYES and Your NARROW MIND for heavens sake…

JustCantDeal says:
Sun, 7th Jun 20093:25 pm

yes! I’m glad to read this post so I can feel like I’m not going crazy. Growing up my mother was always critical and controlling towards me, and it wasn’t til my teenage years I started to think it wasn’t my fault. I spent my teenage years trying to persuade her not to treat me like that, and I tried everything to get her to listen, but she would not. To make things worse she seems to mostly get along ok with my sister. Finally I moved out 3.5 years ago and I have never once regretted it. I (still) do not miss my mum and I really only keep in touch with her because I feel its my duty. Sure I love her, but I see her as a sad person who needs help, and I sometimes wonder what happened to make her that way. I worry what impact my bad relationship with her has had on my life, especially my self esteem and relationships, but I just try to do the best I can anyway. I think right now I almost have a sense of grief for the parent I never had, and a sense of frustration at having had to be the adult/bigger person in the relationship. It has made dealing with female authority figures like teachers or bosses really hard work, but at least I can benefit from a pseudo-mum sometimes.

I'veGivenUp says:
Fri, 24th Jul 20091:24 am

JustCantDeal,
I understand everything you said completely. I too have ALWAYS had to be the adult in my relationship with my mother. Just when I think it’s all starting to get better…it gets bad yet again. My mother is in serious need of some therapy, but she just won’t go. She has been using drugs my entire life and I don’t approve of her lifestyle at all, and that makes it even worse between us. It’s hard to tell what kind of a mood she is going to be in from day to day, and I have actually started avoiding having any contact with her at all because I am just so sick of fighting with her. It is impossible for her to just walk away. I will walk away or ask her to leave because I don’t want to fight, and five minutes later she will send me nasty text messages or call and tell me what a horrible person I am. She makes it so hard for me to love her sometimes. And…in response to the post above from Debbie…How Dare You judge any of us!!! Living with my mother wasn’t easy when I was growing up, and having a relationship with her as an adult hasn’t really been any easier. You should just be glad that you have a mother you can love and who loves you back. I would love for you to spend a day walking in my shoes and dealing with the things I have to deal with from my mother on a daily basis. My mother never gave up ANYTHING for me. Not the drugs, or the men, or the constant crazy lifestyle. I thank God every single day that my father got custody of my sister and I when my parents got divorced. I can’t even imagine what kind of a person I would be today if my mom had raised me.

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