Your Friend’s Friends… Too Much? Too Soon?

A close set of girlfriends is like a corset, generally helping you maintain as much poise as possible through all walks of life while proving to be an incredibly tight system of support. If you’re lucky, they know you better than you know yourself (or than you’d prefer to admit to yourself) and love you anyway, all the while sharing their wardrobes and opinions on whether it’s time for a new hair color.

By K

I wouldn’t dream of replacing my girls, not for a second, and especially not with a guy. But what happens when your interest is piqued by a third party you’ve met through a friend? That mutual friend might just be one of your girls, and before you start inquiring why they haven’t introduced you before, you’d better put the brakes on. Why? Because as lovely as a girlfriend is, odds are, she’s not into sharing. Even if she has no attraction to her friend, it’s not looking good until you talk it out.

Before you protest, I would like to clarify that I am aware not all girls are like this. Case and point, I have a friend who set me up with her ex-boyfriend once (weird, weird, weird and ended too horribly for a 500-word blog to get into, but trust that I have a healthy fear of karma after that entire situation, so yes I learned my lesson). One of my best guy friends is even dating one of my closest girls, and I’ve been a supporter all along. In that instance, and certain others, I don’t mind being a liaison, but there’s something that makes me hesitate before actively pursuing someone I meet through one of my girlfriends.

Because of the two parties that would be involved, myself and himself? Nope. Because of the buddy.

It’s got tons of potential to be weird for the friend. Think about it. For one, the middle-woman is likely going to get a little defensive and eventually feel the need to justify someone’s actions. “Well, John’s ex cheated on him with his best friend, so maybe that’s why…” You get the picture. This is largely why I find my guy friends to be useless in helping me meet other guys; they don’t want to be held responsible for their boy’s behavior. This is also something that frustrates me when my own friends start seeing each other, because really… it’s not the middle-woman’s job. Don’t put her in a third-wheel position, literally or by means of conversation. Remember, no one wants to hear someone talk smack about their friends, in any instance.

Sometimes, a girl just doesn’t want to mix groups of friends. This I will never understand, but some people have a huge issue with meshing cliques and having someone new liked ‘better’ than them. With my friends, I feel like the more the merrier, and I couldn’t care less if they want to hang out without me. A lot of people feel like they’ve been snubbed when this happens though, so you’ve got to make sure the mutual friend isn’t one of those. Truth is, if she needs her own attention from both you AND the person you like, she’s not going to be a fan of you giving it to each other. No one wants the mutual friend to become a Bitter Betsy, that’s no good for anyone involved.

And then the obvious question: what happens if it ultimately doesn’t work out? My personal answer, especially as I have friends who are dating, is that I lay on the table that I’m not going to take sides, and I shouldn’t have to give one or the other up. So I won’t, period. Not everyone else is going to feel that way, though. It’s a future concern, to plan things where the people who once were dating won’t be forced into situations together. It makes all your future birthdays and hostess gigs difficult because unless they can act like adults (not always likely), it’s like you’re choosing who’s more important to see. A whole slew of problems are possible before anything definite even happens.

So what are your thoughts? If you meet someone through a friend, to pursue, or not to pursue? Or is it purely a case-by-case basis?