Dump Him Already: A Playlist

Blood Tree – Mary Timony. Everybody dates a jerk or two. Rock stars, however, get to humiliate them publicly. Mary uses this song to recite the many ills of her ex. There are, of course, the usual problems – too many drugs, hitting on other girls, lame friends – but nothing compares to the kicker: a topless picture of his ex, which he showed her, for reasons known only to himself. Consider the fact that Timony has confirmed that this incident actually occurred. Then consider the fact that even the best of us hook a few freak shows. Then feel better. Then dump your guy.

Sheela-na-Gig – PJ Harvey. PJ tries to make sexy time with her gentleman caller. He turns her down flat. This leads to the most glorious song in the history of angry lady rock. Anyone who can work “dirty pillows,” “childbearing hips” and South Pacific into a single lyric deserves some kind of lifetime achievement award. Also, a boyfriend who will put out.

Soap Star Joe – Liz Phair. So, yes: Liz sold out, and the cool kids don’t listen to her any more. This is a shame, because her first album, “Exile in Guyville,” is the world’s best argument against dating hipster scum. Soap Star Joe is totes famous, lady. I mean, you don’t know him, but he’s got the connections. He’s doing you a favor, hanging out with you and your nobody pals. All he asks in return is that you sleep with him. Because he’s lonely… so very, very lonely…

Dude Yr So Crazy!! – Le Tigre. Again with the hipster hate! Le Tigre recites, with supreme boredom, the cliches that define every scrawny bearded guy you’ve ever kissed and regretted. Big collection. Independent… Big budget, dirty hair… Obscure reference. Likes parties. Fake childhood. Muscle tee.

Baby Vampire Made Me – Helium. Mary Timony makes her second appearance with a sprightly ditty about getting knocked up by a vampire. Hey, it can happen to anyone! This song is a perfect companion piece when your lover is draining your will to live.

If I Think of Love – Lisa Germano. Lisa runs a brief inventory of every way that sex and love have screwed with her head, and concludes that she’s better off without them. This song is the voice of reason, which I, for one, never plan to heed.

Everything’s Alright – Kimya Dawson. Oh, hell. You’re sleeping with him again, aren’t you? I knew it. These posts are always too long. Anyway, listen to Kimya, and ask yourself, as she does, why do I always pretend I can spoon a guy and still be his friend? Is it because you are dangerously deluded? Yes, I believe it is. Spooning is the friendship-killer. Let’s move on.

I Am Trying To Break Your Heart – Wilco. So, when I started to assemble this playlist, I had a very strict “ladies only” policy. Then Jeff Tweedy crashed my party. Now, he whispers to me, in the voice of every confusing-ass boy throughout history. He didn’t want to sleep with you after that party! He didn’t want to stop seeing you altogether! He didn’t want commitment! He didn’t want to push you away! He is a fragile, troubled man-child! His needs are known to no one! Did he mention that he maybe drinks too much? Because he does! Hey, do you want to hang out with him on Friday?

Oh, Mr. Tweedy. As long as men like you exist, I will need to make playlists about you. Salud, my friend.