Addicted to A-holes: A Field Guide

As the go-to sympathetic listener to Every.Single.Friend of mine, I hear my fair share of happy stories, sad tales and a generous amount of scandals. But by far the most conversations we have revolve around the complete a-holes that my girlfriends deliberately date. I seriously cannot fathom why my beautiful, smart and funny friends seek out men who are sure to treat them horribly — that is when they pay any attention at all. Here is my condensed list of guys to avoid, and here is to hoping you can spot them as easily as your girlfriends do when you date them.

1. The Hottest Frat God Alive (at least he thinks so).

HFGA can usually be found sipping Natty Lite with his bros in his designated spot at everyone’s favorite bar. He charms the ladies with his sparkling smile and 9-year-old, never washed favorite hat. He can (and usually does) hook up with whomever he feels like, making them the lucky lady for the night. This luck expires the morning after as his conquest climbs out of the sketchiest window at his fraternity house so none of his brothers (or her friends) will notice.

Fast forward several days, when he hasn’t called, texted or Facebooked my best friend, who will inevitably see him out at the bars. If she’s lucky she warrants a head nod from him, but in most cases they completely ignore each other, she takes several more shots than necessary, and I tissue off her running mascara while she weeps in the bathroom. HFGA may also brag about his great bedroom skills, which include hilarious Borat impressions during the act. Very Niiice.

2. The Ugly One Who is Still a Douche.

This guy seriously confuses me. Even if he didn’t have dandruff/acne/man boobs, he still has no right to treat girls like s**t! However this particular brand of male feels that he must compensate for his looks with mucho amounts of a-hole like behavior. His douchey-ness includes, but is not limited to: rude comments, lack of tact, neglect to pick up the tab ever, superior attitude, extreme social awkwardness, and most commonly of all the inability to call my awesome friend after a night, several days, or even weeks of spending quality time with her (who was way too good for him anyway!)

3.The Low-Life.

Or, as my girlfriends view them, the fixer-uppers. By far the most depressing romantic scenarios I have witnessed are those involving a low-life a-hole. You know the type — he enjoys smoking Black&Milds, drinks only cognac, wears FUBU and Sean Jean exclusively, possibly dj’s or promotes for a club no one’s ever heard of, and almost always sells something illegal on the side. At first when I am introduced to him, I am skeptical, but avoid judging him because he does seem sweet, sincere, and eager to become an upstanding citizen. All charming qualities aside, he calls my friend “ma” and shouts angrily when she suggests he clean up his act. Or worse, he never answers his phone, but only calls my friend at his own convenience, which usually translates to whenever he isn’t hanging out/hooking up with his — surprise! — babymomma.

4. The Overprotective/ Raging Jealous Type.

Of all the pricky characters my girlfriends sometimes date, this one upsets me the most, mainly because his obnoxious behavior actually affects me. I treasure my friends for many reasons, but one of their most endearing qualities is their collective ability to party like rockstars with me. When Possessive McMacho steps into the picture though, I can kiss my table dancing/Coors Light shotgunning/Journey singing partner in crime goodbye.

This type of a-hole unfortunately has most likely achieved boyfriend status, therefore giving him the “right” to tell his woman what she can and can’t do. When my friends inevitably ask me why I’m so lucky to have a boyfriend who “let’s” me do whatever I want, I mentally scream “BECAUSE HE IS MY BOYFRIEND. MY PARTNER. NOT MY FATHER!” Instead I tell them that I’m finally receiving my karmic pay back for all the a-holes I dated in the past, and that they too will find a nice, normal guy — if they would date him in the first place.

So what do you think? Have you discovered any other species of a-hole? Have you dated any of the aforementioned winners? I know I have, and if my own mistakes have taught me nothing, I sure as hell hope that my friends’ have.