Shirtless and SweatyMan: 5 Ways Superhero Movies Would Be Different if a Chick Wrote Them

I like superhero movies. They’re rad. Growing up in the rural North East, there wasn’t much to do once the sun went down, and so instead of huffing paint thinner in the backyard like our neighbors, my brother and I turned to comics. X-Men, Batman, Spiderman, Aliens…and all the 701 offshoots of each. Many hours of my childhood were spent sitting in a Ninja Turtle tent in my brother’s room, passing the newest issue of X Force and a box of Hostess cupcakes back and forth with him.

I’ve seen the X-man movies, watched every single Spiderman (even though I have this huge issue with Kristin Dunst), drooled over Christian Bale as Batman, and recently had the ultimate pleasure of watching Iron Man – and Robert Downy Jr. – kick ass on the big screen.

[Okay, slight tangent: can we talk about the scene where RDJr. is in the cave, and he’s all mad and sweaty and dirty and hammering STEEL? Lord. Pass the HOTsauce please]

I’ve loved all of these movies. They were great fun. But being a writer, and ALSO being a chick, I’ve noticed a really sh*tty trend: in almost all of these films, women are pretty useless.

Since X-Men is more of an ensemble movie, let’s put that aside and focus on Spiderman, Batman, and Iron Man. Besides standing and looking sleek and serious, most of the “leading ladies” in these movies don’t have much to do except walk around indignity until they somehow get into trouble and force the hero to make a big detour and save their ass. Throw in a few one-liners and 4-inch heels and there you have it: a pretty useless pretty face.

I’m not here to write a thesis on why this is, since I already basically know the answer, which is two fold: A) men mostly write comic books and B) men mostly write superhero movies. What I’m here to do is give you the Top 5 Ways a Superhero Movie Would Be Different If A Chick Wrote It:

5) More Dialogues About Feelings

Have you ever noticed how short these movies are on emoting and talking it out? Instead of picking apart their complicated feelings about their love interest or crappy past, superheroes just strap on some metal and latex and set sh*t on fire. If a chick wrote a superhero movie, sh*t would still get set on fire, but the hero would also sit down with his leading lady and explain to her just WHY he’s so brooding and hard to connect with (and feels the need to set sh*t on fire).

4) A Change of Wardrobe: Banning the 4-inch Heel

I don’t know about you, but the last thing I feel like doing in 4-inch heels is walking quickly, let alone running down the street. No wonder women in superhero movies get captured all the time; how are you supposed to get anywhere with your feet encased in stripper shoes?

3) Less Technical Babble

Look, Hollywood screenwriters, you’re not fooling anyone. We all know all that techno mumbo jumbo A) doesn’t exist and B) is only there to make you and every other guy in the theater feel cool. You’re making up words, shoving a ton of them in a paragraph, and telling Robert Downy Jr. to make them sound believable. Lucky for you, he can do that, but next time? Why not fill that space with a little monologue that lets us see the heart behind the mask? Or better yet, just spend those two minutes on the hero stripping in front of a mirror. Which brings me to number 2…

2) More Naked Guy Action

Since these movies are usually written by a dude (or 4, as the case was in Iron Man. Seriously? Four?! There was one guy who just came up with fake technical bullsh*t, wasn’t there?), no one really thinks about the amount of hot male bod action, but let me tell you, if a chick was writing it, you BEST BELIEVE there’d be shirtless scenes galore. Raise your hand if you’d like to watch Christian Bale walk around the batcave in boxer briefs, or Robert Downy Jr. wax his suit in tighty-whities. Where are our shower scenes?! Where’s the sweaty work out montages? If I wrote one of these superhero films, I’d make a point of having my lead character ripped and sweaty and shirtless for at least 78% of the film.

1) Better Female Roles (for F*ck’s Sake)

No more annoying romantic interests who exist purely because moviegoers need a little T and A in every film. No more nosey news reporters who shove their nosey noses where they obviously shouldn’t go and end up being bait for the bad guy. It’s time for women to have good dialogue, costumes more complicated than a tight pencil skirt and the aforementioned hooker heels, and a reason for being in the damn movie in the first place.

I’ve got some ideas. Hollywood, have your peeps call me, alright?