My Story: Dealing With Death

By Ccandysuzie

Early one morning a year ago in Vlissingen, Netherlands, a 21- year old named Ruth de Visser died in her sleep finally succumbing to the ravaging forces of Hodgkins disease. She was my best friend.

Less than 48 hours later, I found myself back in the States, walking across the stage at GWU to receive my BA.

It’s impossible to describe my emotions at that moment. I was simultaneously overjoyed to graduate and heartbroken to the point of physical pain from the loss of my friend. I don’t remember the entire weekend actually — only that it was punctuated with meltdowns and many out-of-body experiences.

I felt so alone. Part of this was due to the innate solitary nature of the grieving process — and nothing I write here can really change that feeling. The other part, however, was figuring out how to explain to my loved ones what I needed from them. Initially, I was too exhausted to do this — I pushed everyone away, including my poor boyfriend, and walked around like a lost zombie. At the time I wished that there was a way for everyone to just “get” what I was feeling.

The way in which we grieve and what we need is a case by case process. If you or anyone you know is dealing with a loss, however, there are several counter-intuitive things that you should know:

1. Trash the comforting words: “It’s going to be ok” someone would tell me. Is it? I would think, How exactly do they know this? My best friend is GONE. How will that ever be ok??? When you’re dealing with death, it’s like being hit in the head by a big chuck of solid reality — platitudes are the last thing you want to hear.

2. Silence is golden: Often, especially when you know someone is hurting, it feels like you have to say something. Don’t. I couldn’t deal with conversations but I really wanted human company. My boyfriend would just sit next to me. Tears would be rolling down my face but he would simply squeeze my hand. That was enough, anything more in fact would have been intolerable.

3. Don’t steer the subject away from the “d” word: When someone dies, especially someone young like my friend, there is a horror that one feels. It’s like having a nightmare and needing to talk through it with someone.

Ruth died May 15th 2007, a year ago this past Thursday. Ironically, this past Thursday was my boyfriend’s graduation. It was tough. There were times I had to excuse myself and have a bit of a cry. But I knew she would want me to keep living– and that means celebrating accomplishments as they happen.

I also know that she would be happy to know I was attempting to use my experience to help others. Hopefully I’ve accomplished that to some extent.