Mimi Goes Wild ‘N Out

May 20, 2008 Posted in Buzz

So Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon are married. Reasons this is awesome:

1) Cannon quote: “Since we’ve been together, we’ve been inseparable,” i.e. 6 weeks. Incidentally, I got my new American Apparel dress around the same time the couple started dating, and we too have been inseparable. Perhaps it’s time we tied the knot? I’ve always wanted children, and we’re not getting any younger…

2) Mariah Carey is 48, and Nick Cannon is 17. I also heard a rumor that Nick Cannon was created in a lab from a strand of Carey’s hair and grape soda. All facts.

3) They celebrated their wedding by renting out a Six Flags Magic Mountain for a reported six figures. (On Cannon’s tab, not like it frickin’ matters. He is clearly the one marrying up in the situation.)

4) At said celebration, Mariah Carey had hair and makeup stylists on hand to fix her up after every ride. Mmmm, bottom-of-the-barrel self-esteem issues and rampant navel-gazing…exactly what I look for in a mate.

5) To commemorate the occasion, the couple got tatoos: Cannon’s says “Mariah” across his back, while Mimi’s is a small butterfly on her lower back that incorporates the letters MC, supposedly sanding for Mrs. Cannon…or, you’ll note, Mariah Carey. Fucking. Hilarious.

6) Supposedly, the couple plans to celebrate their anniversary every year by having another wedding. My guess is when the two finally attempt to consummate the marriage and Cannon realizes that Carey has, in fact, had her vagina replaced with a diamond-encrusted speaker that plays “Hero” on repeat, things will dry up pretty quickly.

7) The marriage comes shortly after the release of Carey’s newest album and the premiere of her movie “Tennessee” in which she plays a waitress. Now, I’m not saying their marriage is a publicity stunt…but I think their marriage might be a publicity stunt. I say if Love Don’t Cost A Thing 2: But A Net Worth of $225 Mil Sure Helps comes out this summer, my suspicions will be proved correct.

But when you really think about it, Cannon and Carey do actually make a pretty good couple, and, well…why the fuck not, right? Mr. and Mrs. Cannon (MC, *snort*), all the best in your bright, Louis Vuitton-filled future together. May the good lord bless you and keep you.

And Nick, I sure hope you like “Hero.”