College Candy

So the other night while I was unpacking everything I own from a multitude of boxes, I flipped on the TV to help get me through the you- just- moved- into- a- new- apartment stress bubble that was slowly taking over my body. The first channel that popped up was VH1, and what was the movie they were featuring?

Showgirls.

Now, I’ve seen bits of this masterpiece in tackiness before, but I had never sat through the whole thing — the whole edited for TV version, no less. Most people probably think watching an NC17 film on cable is lame, but let me tell you, friends, Showgirls only gets better with censorship.

Here are 5 Reasons Why You Need To See Showgirls (the Edited for TV Version)

5) Elizabeth Berkley’s Wardrobe

She may want you to take her seriously today on some boring Bravo dance show, but back in 1995, Berkley was being dressed like a whore in every single scene in Showgirls. Even when she wasn’t running around in thongs and dancing crop tops, the girl just couldn’t catch a break from the wardrobe department. Everything she wears in this film makes her look like a blind prostitute who wears baby clothes. Seriously. If you played a drinking game where everyone took a shot every time Berkley wore something that showed her stomach or asscheeks, you’d be wasted after 10 minutes.

4) That Doggie Chow Scene

If you’ve seen Showgirls (and if you haven’t, hopefully this list will convince you of your duty to do such a thing), you know what scene I mean. Nomi and her nemesis, evil bitch / slut / main dancer / wearer of horrible nails Cristal are making nice at a fancy restaurant. How do they finally bond? Over dog food. That they ate. Direct dialogue quote is as follows:

Cristal: “Doggie chow. I used to love doggie chow.”

Nomi: “I used to love Doggie chow too!”

I mean, how can anything be said about this dialogue besides that it’s so f*cking horrible it does a 360 and becomes awesome? Also, I guess I don’t even need to go into the underlying misogyny of two women bonding over how they used to love eating food for dogs. Bring it up in your next Woman’s Studies class. Bras will burn.

3) Elizabeth Berkley’s Acting

Maybe it wasn’t her fault. Maybe Paul Verhoeven is the kind of director who just sits back and goes, “yes! See how you’re totally over-acting in that scene?! KEEP GOING!!” Maybe she really wanted to do a good job but was coerced into sucking instead, but whatever the case, Berkley does not do anything half way in this film. She dances dramatically. She breathes dramatically. She thrusts dramatically. She eats hamburgers dramatically…just put “dramatically” in front of any verb and that sums up her performance.

2) The Redonkulous Script

First Joe Eszterhas wrote Flashdance. Then he wrote Basic Instinct. Then he wrote Showgirls. Then he wrote Basic Instinct 2. I can only assume Eszterhas sold his soul to the devil for the chance to write Flashdance and in return promised each subsequent screenplay he created would suck leagues harder than the previous one.

The dialogue in Showgirls is so bad it’s amazing anyone was able to say it without throwing up into a bucket first. It’s also amazing anyone wanted to sit next to Eszterhas after they flipped through his stupidly gratuitous sex scenes, let alone make his movie.

1) The EDITED ON BRAS and Nonsensical Plot After Gratuitous Sex Scenes Are Cut Due to Censorship

While unpacking a giant box filled with pots and pans, I nearly dropped 12 pounds of non-stick metal on my feet when I noticed that in certain scenes where Berkley is topless in the original film, someone went and DREW ON animated “bras”. Yes. To protect the precious eyes of TV viewers everywhere, some poor intern was instructed to animate underwear on Berkley’s body. Every animated bra is funnier than the last, and since the girl is basically topless during the entire film, her slightly squiggly purple “underwear” is everywhere.

Also, it should be noted that Showgirls makes even less sense when the sex scenes are cut out. Everyone’s motivation is suddenly inexplicable.

Thirdly, the words they come up with to replace the multitude of swears that jump out of everyone’s mouth is priceless. If you played a second drinking game where you took a shot every time a swear was replaced with an awkward word, you’d be drunk in 10 seconds.

So, there you have it. Some fantastic reasons to see Showgirls on cable. Call your friends, break out the cheap cocktails, dress up in your favorite dance thong, and drift away into 2 hours of pure stupid genius.