Parenting Advice for Soon-to-be Dad Clay Aiken

You may have already heard that Clay Aiken has impregnated someone.

No, not that way. Come on.

Aiken has artificially inseminated his “best friend” and producer, Jaymes Foster, who is in her late 40’s. Clay has even decided to be a father in earnest (no, not that way) and help raise the little tyke. The baby is due in August, which means that they’ve managed to keep this under wraps for a while now.

I would like to offer my congratulations to the future parents. And so, as a gift (for some reason, I wasn’t invited to the baby shower) I’m going to give Clay some advice on how not to horribly scar and embarrass his child.

1. Don’t Smile.

You’ve recently bought a new smile, Clay, but I’m sorry, adding huge ceramic teeth to an already startlingly creepy face is a bad move. If you catch your infant child unawares, he may think that you are a beaver monster and never trust you again.

2.Stay on Broadway as long as you can, especially if it means that you don’t have time to record a new album. Spamalot is the most unironically brilliant job for you and it has a certain cool, broadway cache that your child will find a lot cooler than all of the middle-aged fan clubs you’ve inspired.

3.Get a haircut. Okay, this is more for my sake than for your child’s. But I promise Clay Jr. will appreciate it too. When your hair style has been unfavorably compared to Phil Spector’s in the height of his crazy, it’s time to try something new.

4. Don’t let your child get on the internet. Ever. At least don’t let him or her do a google image search with your name if you want to maintain any sort of authority. While you are setting some ground rules, outlaw this video, too.

I know this may have come off as a little harsh, but such is the nature of celebrity. In all seriousness, I’m sure that Clay will be a lovely parent, singing to his child constantly. Which reminds me…

5. Don’t sing to your child constantly. You have a lovely voice, so everyone once and a while is okay, but don’t be like so many other musical artists who feel compelled to sing things that they could easily just say.