College Candy

So I just got back from three very long days of vacationing with my folks.

I mean, VERY long.

Here’s the thing: it totally sucked. I mean, I love spending time with my parents. I do. We get along very well. But three days of touristing in some random little rural town without any break from my parents EVER just isn’t my idea of a good time.

So here are a few tips that I wish I knew before I went. Good luck, you poor brave souls.

(1) Insist on having at least a little say in the location.

Okay, we went to this town in upstate NY (5 hours from their house, 3 from my apartment) for seemingly no reason. When I was informed, I did not question. Foolishly, I said instead, “Whatever you guys want.” Fatal mistake. You see, my mother decided that we just HAD to go see this giant kaleidoscope. Yes, that’s right: apparently, the basis of this trip was a giant kaleidoscope.

Anyway, we finally get to the stupid thing and they take one look at it and my dad says, “I’m not paying 10 bucks a person for this!”, my mom says, “I can’t lean on this thing for 7 minutes!”, and next thing I know we’re back at the motel trying to figure out what to do for the next three days.

(2) Set aside time for yourself ahead of time.

Make sure your parents know you have to make a phone call from 5pm-6pm or do some “work” from 8-10. You need some time to yourself or they will drive you nuts.

Seriously. No matter how much you love them. You’re made out of them and they will never let you forget it. They have a drive to take care of you the way they did when you were a kid, and, now that you’re an adult, the line is blurred and they will go insane and eat your face with irritating, irritating affection.

Love thy parents, but, trust me, set aside some alone time. Please.

And, in conclusion,

(3) Don’t do it.

Just don’t do it. Say you have a dentist appointment, hell, get root canal, just don’t go. Make up for it by spending a few weekends at their house where everyone can be themselves and have their own rooms and not be in each other’s faces constantly, spending money the father deems unnecessary and getting sunburned and bit up by bugs.

HEED MY WARNING. I have vacationed with my parents. I know the true, unbridled horror.