Shopping for a Sugar Daddy

My Sex Diary made me come to terms with a heretofore unrealized love for older men. There is that horrible stereotype about men aging better than women, and although I won’t speak for older women, I can absolutely attest to the fact that many guys seem to go the way of the fine wine and age deliciously. I’m in the market for an (imaginary) sugar daddy. Let’s go shopping.

Mike Rowe-46. Mike was exactly my age when I was born, meaning, of course, that he is twice as old as I am. But what is age when you have a body like that? And a voice? And a sense of humor? And he’s not afraid to get dirty, which has awesomely naughty implications. I’ve watched his show, Dirty Jobs, and seen him in the most disgusting of circumstances, but being covered by any number of horrible substances doesn’t dampen my desire for the man one tiny bit.

Viggo Mortenson-50. This man is fifty! Anyone who has seen Viggo’s naked fight scene in Eastern Promises would be flabbergasted to imagine that his body could belong to a fifty year old. I admire his acting ability, yes, but he’s on the list of prospective sugar daddies out of pure and unadulterated lust.

Penn Jillette-53. I have a really inexplicable crush on this guy. It’s probably best that we not go into it.

John Edwards-54 G*ddamn if he isn’t a good looking man. He’s all dimples and southern charm, working against poverty. I don’t know what is sexier than trying to abolish poverty. Plus, the guy has a great sense of humor, as his appearances on The Daily Show can attest. I would share a jet ski with you any day, Mr. Edwards. Especially if it means that you will be a bathing suit.

David Bowie-61. This man will be sexy in his 80’s. It’s really less about the looks and more about the attitude, the legacy. The only drawback is that even in his 60’s, he is probably way more sexually adventurous than I am. I don’t know if I could keep up with him, but it would sure be fun to try.