Mario Lopez Discusses His “Dream Girl”, I Translate

Mario Lopez recently told People Magazine (you know, the magazine that pimps out celebrity baby pictures while unknowingly kicking itself in the ass by illustrating that every baby in this world LOOKS EXACTLY THE SAME and is in no way worth 5 million dollars) what his “Dream Girl” would consist of.

By Jess

Just weeks after splitting up with gf Karina Smirnoff and already casting his net via tabloids, the once and future A.C. Slater tried to make it seem like he wanted the type of girl every guy wants. Good thing I speak Douchebag and can translate the actual meaning of his words.

What He Told People Mag:

“I’m a pretty low-maintenance kind of guy,”

What He Meant:

“Commitment is high maintenance. I’m the opposite of that.”

What He Told People Mag:

“I’d like to be with someone who is secure with themselves. She has to understand that I have a lot going on and I’m busy.”

What He Meant:

“I’d like to be with someone who is so self-centered she doesn’t realize when I’m not at home and that I might be cheating on her while I do all my ‘stuff’. I have to host America’s Best Dance Crew and dance around outrageously on the Broadway stage, okay? I’m busy.”

What He Told People Mag:

“I’d like someone who has their own thing going on – their own ‘passion,’ whatever it is.”

What He Meant:

“She can’t want to steal my passion. Stealing other people’s passion and making it your own is totally not cool.”

What He Told People Mag:

“I like a girl that’s funny.”

What He Meant:

“I like a girl who thinks I’m funny. Maybe we can watch old episodes of Saved By the Bell together and laugh at how hilarious I am. But she can’t be funny looking. That’s not cool.”

What He Told People Mag:

“If she’s a big chain smoker, I’m not really a fan of that. Or a cusser – someone who isn’t nice to people. Someone who doesn’t like family and doesn’t like dogs.”

What He Meant:

“I’m the only one who’s allowed to be not nice and cheat during a pre-wedding party. If she doesn’t understand that my dogs are totally my family and come before her, then screw that, we won’t date”