Dear Ladies: Letters from Dudes (All of Us)

June 12, 2008 - 10:30 am By mapofrussia

sleevelesscopy.jpgDear Ladies,

Men here, as a collective. We thought we’d get together and write you guys some letters about a few things that we’ve been thinking about. Today’s letter is about us men being confused! Yes, smirk, and press your tongue against your canine (its hot).

We’re confused about what you lovely ladies are wearing in the gym. More specifically, why you’re looking so damn hot in up in that! To us, the gym is about a few things. It’s about working out, making loud grunting noises (FYI, makes you stronger), and sleeveless narcissism.

Or at least, that’s what we go there for. We aren’t specifically there to look at, or pick up, women. There’s an assumption that most of us aren’t going to look our best in there anyways, so we aren’t super concerned with finding ladies to woo. But hey, thats us, we’re dudes and we think a certain way. Beyond ‘the gym isn’t for dating’ we also have a few collective rules that we feel like you may or may not have given us.

  1. Gawking is creepy
  2. Sweaty dudes are creepy
  3. Gawking, sweaty dudes are super-duper creepy.

So you could see our confusion when you ladies show up to do some leg lifts or swiss ball crunches in what basically adds up to a bikini with more support. We want to be clear, we like you in bikinis. Hell, we love you in those things. But when you wear those in the gym, and you’re being all active, you’re really creating a dangerous situation for us. Again, we’ve got focused, mostly one-track minds. Here’s a short list of things we cannot do at the same time.

  1. Will ourselves to not get…turned on, which, by the way, is extremely visible in our red, elastic sweatpants.
  2. Will ourselves to not look at you.
  3. Lift heavy things, not to mention cardio. (Have you ever had an erection on an exer-bike? No? Ok, well, good because that’d be weird, but also, you’ve gotta know that makes it downright impossible to attack those hills)

Mixing any of these things together is a recipe for disaster. All types of opportunity for something to get pulled or pinched or clipped.

We feel like maybe you want us to look? We aren’t sure, and even saying that made us wince, because we’ve gotten dirty looks from you on the train one too many times to assume that. We don’t want you to wear a rain-slicker or something (makes ruffling noise when doing lunges), but we just want you to know that we’re impressed that you’re down there working out. That’s sexy!

Workout clothing that accentuates your body, makes your boobs look huge, exposes your mid-drift – or booty shorts that let us see that you are in fact not wearing underwear – are great. Really great. But, honestly, we’d much rather just work out and meet you later for a drink than try to run game while clearly using incorrect form to do a squat or embarrassingly dropping the 25lb dumbbells while a single emotionless tear runs down our cheek.

“But guys, I like to look cute! I want to look hot!” Yep, we know. We know this, and we ALSO want you to look hot. But you’ve got to understand, there’s being cute (which is fine for the gym), and then there’s dangerously hot. Here’s a diagram.

try.jpg

Signed,

Most Dudes (not including douchebags; we have no idea where those guys are but you can bet they are wearing a hilarious belt buckle).

19 Comments   Posted in HaHa, Reality
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19 Comments on "Dear Ladies: Letters from Dudes (All of Us)"

  1. Anonymous says:
    Thu, 12th Jun 200811:54 am 

    HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

    One of the BEST things I’ve ever read.

    I’m going to think of this next time I’m at the gym.

    Thanks, that was awesome.

    :)

  2. Annabelle says:
    Thu, 12th Jun 20087:33 pm 

    Oh nice, so framing sexism with cute we’re-all-friends-here language makes it acceptable!

    This is a very, very slipperly slope argument and I’m disgusted that College Candy posted it. So men can’t control their impulses now? When they stare in a sexually suggestive way, it’s our fault? Do you know that’s the same line of justification that rapists and molesters use to explain why they committed their respective crimes? “But she was wearing a short skirt and a tank top, how could she have NOT wanted me to grab it? She was ASKING FOR IT.”

    Exact same thing here. We’re supposed to cover our bodies so men who can’t control themselves aren’t DISTRACTED by them? Excuse me, I’m sorry. When I work out, I get warm. That means I don’t want to wear long workout pants and may tend towards less covering clothing.

    You know what the ultimate manifestation of this is? Many oppressive middle eastern cultures that force women to cover their ENTIRE BODIES because the flash of an ankle might turn a man on to the point that he can’t control himself.

    I hope you realize what you’re justifying and how there’s no clear, logical line that differentiates your justification from theirs. Until you can wrap your mind around that, author who apparently speaks for “most dudes,” I’ll be going to the gym in whatever the hell makes me comfortable.

  3. ya right says:
    Thu, 12th Jun 20089:45 pm 

    your disgusted at CC for posting it?

    have you read the other stuff on here?

  4. ya right says:
    Thu, 12th Jun 20089:46 pm 

    within VIEW of this box I see ’shopping for a sugar daddy’

    step up ur reading game

  5. A.D - Columbia College says:
    Thu, 12th Jun 20089:55 pm 

    Men look at women. The frequency at which this happens is directly related to what you wear. Can I will myself to not look? Absolutely. Does this become more difficult when you’ve wearing a wonderbra doing jumping jacks? Yes.

    Is that math difficult? I don’t think so.

    But, I think you’ve caught me, I’m supporting the Taliban.

    “We want to be clear, we like you in bikinis. Hell, we love you in those things.”

    I’ve read a lot of femlit, my friend. Bordo and Haraway? It doesn’t change my maleness.

    Men will always look at women forever. You’re gonna have to deal with it =\.

  6. A.D - Columbia College says:
    Thu, 12th Jun 200810:04 pm 

    May I also point out the complete kettle/blackness of the fact that your fine with the complete (and playful, as is this) objectification of men all over this site and yet this somehow makes you pull the alarm? Obviously through history women have been oppressed and sexism is real, but appropriation is a two-way street.

  7. IT RULED says:
    Thu, 12th Jun 200810:15 pm 

    I ONCE GOT A BONER ON AN EXERBIKE. IT KEPT HITTING MY KNEES AND IT WOULDNT GO AWAY. THANKS A LOT WOMEN.

  8. dixopolis says:
    Fri, 13th Jun 20085:31 am 

    one time i saw this totally hot babe in the gym and she was wearing some really hot clothes that accentuated her female form and i had to go into the mens locker room and jerk off for 15 minutes before i could come back out to the equipment again so i wouldnt feel compelled to look at her in a sexual light and possibly offend her and ruin all my chances of actually being able to jerk off to her IN PERSON than just in the mens locker room.

  9. Danei says:
    Fri, 13th Jun 20085:55 am 

    In line with the ’sugar daddy’ comment above; I happen to be what people call a “sugar daddy” (although I prefer the term benefactor). When I’m looking for a new companion, I generally hit the gym to scope out the young ladies.

    I like an active girl, you know? I don’t want someone who’s just going to sit around all day. I’m a very successful businessman, which has led to a large amount of success in my romantic pursuits since the early death of my wife.

    The girls in the short-shorts and sports-wonder-bras are the ones who tickle my fancy, and they’re the ones who give me the most bang for my buck, if you’ll pardon the expression. It’s all well and good for some neo-feminist sorority busy-bodies to wag their fingers at us males and say “stop raping me with your eyes”, but to that I say, “Stop asking me if you can give me a blowjob in exchange for a nice dinner with your eyes.”

  10. J - NYU says:
    Fri, 13th Jun 20087:53 am 

    You know what? If you wear revealing clothes, dudes are going to look. A lot.

    If you want that, awesome. If you don’t, cover yourself up. Wear whatever you want WHENEVER you want, but understand the visual nature of dudes.

    …A sense of humor is always good, too.

  11. Lauren, University of Michigan says:
    Fri, 13th Jun 20088:51 am 

    I wear really old tshirts with yellow armpit stains. Perhaps that is why no one talks to me at the gym…

  12. Suzie - George Washington says:
    Fri, 13th Jun 200812:11 pm 

    If a woman shows some skin she’s not necessarily looking for male attention. (although I agree with J– she probably knows that she should be resigned to the fact that she’ll get it) I think that this is where men need to take their egos out of their shorts and realize that some women actually have more on their minds than sex.

  13. Colette says:
    Fri, 13th Jun 200812:44 pm 

    Im from South Africa. We have a variety of gyms, including one called Curves which caters just for women precisely because some ladies feel uncomfortable with men ogling them. But we have a good reason for having such a chain. We are widely known as the country with the highest incidence of rape per capita. Very sad, hey. But as a rape survivor myself, i can see this article was written in humour. Even if i did find it roughly done and a bit insulting myself. But anyway, don’t look for fights ladies.

  14. ya right says:
    Fri, 13th Jun 20081:50 pm 

    dixopolis raises a good point.

  15. Suzie - George Washington says:
    Fri, 13th Jun 20084:16 pm 

    We have Curves gyms out here as well as a chain called Total Women– again a female only gym. To be honest, I steer clear of trendy gyms because I don’t want that to deal with that kind of attention. My comment was simply a poke at these men who think that bare skin= a desire for sex.

    as an aside– I’m so sorry for your trauma Colette.

  16. J - NYU says:
    Fri, 13th Jun 20084:27 pm 

    What I can’t understand is why anyone would wear that outfit on the right. how is that even comfortable??

  17. Borat says:
    Sun, 15th Jun 200811:04 am 

    Ladies hot like fire in bad anti-Muslim nakiesuits and exercise uniforms for activity workingout!

  18. Ellie says:
    Mon, 14th Jul 20083:01 am 

    oh please, this is not sexist in any way shape or form. you don’t HAVE to wear revealing clothes to the gym, you can easily wear regular shorts and tank top. cut the shit, if you go to the gym wearing skimpy outfits, you WANT those stares. and besides, this is supposed to be a joke. im a female and even i hate it when some women complain that EVERYTHING is sexist. annabelle, you really need to change your tampon. oh wait, now IM sexist too!!!

  19. Jadalina says:
    Thu, 24th Jul 200812:03 pm 

    Oh PLEASE. When you go to the gym, you go to work out. Presumably you are going there to sweat while you’re there. You want to wear comfortable clothing while you work out, not something you have to keep yanking out of your butt or shoving back over your boobs every five minutes. The only reason for wearing extremely revealing “workout clothing” is to show off, which means, to be looked at. I go to the gym in some yoga pants and a tank top, much like the pic up there to the left. I *could* easily wear what the girl on the right has, but I’m a little too busy with the weights to waste time making sure my nips are still in my shirt. The girls I see at the gym who DO dress in ultra revealing stuff also seem to always have their makeup and hair completely perfect, and never break a sweat. Therefore, they are there to fiddle around on the treadmill and various machines that they can look sexy on, while trying to attract attention. If I want to be noticed, I too will thrust the twins up to the spotlight. If I don’t, I’ll leave them in their trusty, comfy, oh so unsexy sport bra. I swear, the next argument from the man haters will be that they should be able to work out naked and if men look then they’re uncivilized apes. *I* could not focus on my workout if Ryan Renyolds showed up at my gym in a pair of booty shorts. Why should we get pissed at men when they are distracted by us in the same getup?

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