College Candy

As that song your mother listens to on the Oldies station says, “breaking up is hard to do (oo).” Especially these days when people have all sorts of options when it comes to communication. It sometimes seems that people sit down and contemplate the absolute worst way to dump someone…and then do it.

Below is my list of the top five ways to dump someone. If any of these have happened to you, I feel for you sister; I really do.

1. Instant Message. A friend of mine was recently dumped via AIM. By her boyfriend of six months. Six freaking months and he didn’t have the decency to do this in person. The last time I was broken up with on instant messenger was in 8th grade, and even then it was barely acceptable. Any self respecting male over the age of 15 should muster up enough cojones to do their dirty work in person. Douchebags.

2. Text (Rusty Cartwright style). This method is highly unrealistic, at least in my experience. For me there would be no confirmation; the jerk would just disappear off the face of the earth until I ran into him at 1 am in sweatpants at the library. Still, the guy who employs this tactic is a little bitch, in my own humble opinion. If you are ever or ever have been dumped in this manner (or the aforementioned AIM breakup) then you probably don’t need me to tell you that honey, you are waaaay better off without that prick.

3. Burning gasoline on your front lawn spelling out “IT’S OVER. I’M LEAVING YOU FOR YOUR LAST EX-BOYFRIEND”. That’s probably just an irrational fear but Christ, wouldn’t that one suck?

4. Facebook Notification. This one has happened to me. It hits like a wave of confusion and denial. For some odd reason, the crazy folks at Facebook have incorrectly notified you (and the entire universe, thanks to Newsfeed) that you are suddenly single. Uh, what? You immediately call to tell your significant other of this insanity, but they don’t answer. Ever again.

5. Face-to-Face. AKA: The Old Fashioned Way. Because breakups always always suck. At least he was man enough to have a conversation with you, explain his twisted logic as to why he would leave you (because you, dear reader, are the best that he will ever get!) and give you the opportunity to say your piece about how you feel. But it’s still a break up, therefore it still hurts–but that’s what your girlfriends, Ben & Jerry and mindless E! programming are for. Besides, you were too good for him anyways.

So have any of you ever been broken up with in any of these ways? What creative/cowardly/douchey ways to dump someone did I leave out?