Male Science: Flirting

Here’s a little known fact about men and flirting: There are two types of male mindsets regarding the subject, dudes who assume you are always flirting with them, and dudes who assume you never are. It’s split 49%/49%/2% (2% of guys don’t flirt, they just think about legos and spank it later).

Of course, there are guys who are your friends. They don’t think you’re flirting with them when you talk to them, because you’ve established parameters. But this label is only applied to really good friends. Guys you’ve known for awhile. That dude you’ve been talking to all semester in math class? Doug? Yeah, I just talked to Doug. He was at the meeting. He’s not friends with you and your playful conversations about the professor’s righteous beard are him establishing ground work to ask you out.

This isn’t sinister. Doug just thinks you’re hot. Or maybe you talked to Doug first. Whatever the f*ck, who cares.

Of course, if you’d mentioned your F*CKING BOYFRIEND AT SOME POINT OVER THE LAST 9 WEEKS Doug might not be so presumptuous, but that’s for another time. No, don’t do it now. It’s too late to mention your bf now. Irregardless of your inability to slip that compound word in the hundreds of minutes you two have spent snickering, the point remains: Doug took your ‘Hey can I borrow a pencil’ as a ‘maybe we’ll have sex.’

This isn’t Doug’s fault. He’s just a type A male flirter. It’s not just you. It’s every girl, ever, in his age range, many men he meets (“DUDE, THAT GAY DUDE WAS ALL ABOUT THIS ASS”), and certain animals (“That turtle was totallying giving me the look”).

“Icky! I don’t like Doug I just think he’s funny. I like Steve, in Econ 101, his ability to ignore me is dreamy!”

Well Steve’s a type B. Good f*cking luck. We talk to Steve a lot. We tell him, ‘Dude, go for it, she’s like, totally into you!’ but he doesn’t ever believe us. Steve’s all “She grabbed my jang but what does that mean?”

Steve’s had a few girlfriends. All raging bitches who took his money and time and threw them both in a dumpster. Steve’s got a complex about ladies. He doesn’t believe any of you could like him, no matter how much fruit you felate in the produce aisle.

“I don’t know man, she’s just not into me.”

So knowing this, how do you approach these two types? For type B, you need to be overt, almost obtuse. Let Steve know he’s the man. Because we’re his bros and he doesn’t believe us. He just thinks we’re trying to raise his spirits so he’ll totally paint sh*t on his naked chest with us at the ball game.

“I really like you, Steve.” That’s a good place to start.

And Doug, well you don’t really have to worry about Doug because he’s spent the last 15 minutes drawing, in 3D (he’s good at shading), what he thinks your rack looks like.

Avoid type C’s at all costs. Unless you think organizing blocks by color is hot.