He Said/She Said: Women Making the First Move

June 19, 2008 - 4:30 pm By CC Staff

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Welcome to CollegeCandy’s new feature: He Said/She Said. We at CC headquarters always depend on our male friends to give us some advice (mostly because we know nothing about which beer goes better better with Honey Teriyaki wings) and, suddenly, it dawned on us: maybe other people want our guy friends’ advice too!But guy advice is nothing without something to compare it to. So, we are putting it all together into one handy little post. You submit your questions/ideas to us (email ‘em to editor@collegecandy.com) and we will get you the male and female perspective. Granted, we can’t say we speak for all men and women, but we come pretty damn close.

We are kicking things off in a big way….with one of our very own (very forward) editor’s topics of choice: women making the first move.

He Said:

Depending on the situation and the guy, the first move can mean different things to us as men. I think first and foremost, there’s an overall opinion that you guys should go for it more often. A lot of men feel like chivalry is dead and ‘the chase’ is next to go, and would prefer that women be upfront about the relationship. All the ducking and maneuvering can get tiresome.

Many times, physical contact is the ’signal’ to us that you want to get more serious. That being said, it’s important to know what you’re saying with your move. I don’t think I have to tell you that getting all up on it in the bar reads more as ‘I’M LOOKING FOR CASUAL SEX AND THERE’S A DECENT CHANCE I DO THIS PRETTY OFTEN/AM HAMMERED’ than, “I really like you and want to establish something long-term.” If you wanna get down, alright; but if you’re looking to let a guy know you really like him this probably shouldn’t be in the play book.

Now, if you’ve been seeing a guy for a while, and things haven’t heated up properly, chances are he really likes you and doesn’t want to fuck it up/scare you away. A lean-in-and-kiss with maybe a tush-grab modifier is not only a totally awesome story (”she kissed me, it was kick-ass!”), but also a good way to build physical trust with those adorable nervous types. When a girl does that, it takes some of that responsibility off the guy, and can be really endearing. We may not seem it, but we worry an awful lot about that, “What if she ducks when I go in for the contact?” stuff. That’s some ego-shattering sh*t.

So, to sum it all up, use good judgment to know what your saying, and go for it. Sometimes men feel like you really like ‘the game,’ so if you don’t and you hate it, this is a pretty good way around it.

She Said:

When I like a guy, I want things to happen….now. So, just as I do in every other aspect of my life, I really like to be forward and open with him. Not, “let’s get married, have 2.5 children, a dog and a house with a big backyard” forward, but, you know, “I had a good time and would love to do it again” forward. But, it seems that whenever I do, the guy turns around and runs for the proverbial hills. I even had a guy move four hours away! He claimed it was planned beforehand, but I don’t know…

So, to my male friend above, I call bullsh*t. I have learned in my extensive dating experience that playing hard to get really is the only way. Guys may claim they are over the chase, but the chase just seems to be innate. Men have always been hunters, and the dating game is no exception. When a girl is forward – which, according to some guys, is coming on too strong – the guy freaks out. The idea of being pinned down into a relationship frightens them and pushes them away. But, when a girl doesn’t call a guy back or refuses his plans a couple times, the guy seems to keep coming back for more.

I wish what speaker-for-all men said was true; I would love to live in a world where I didn’t have to force myself not to answer a call or send an IM because I am playing hard to get. I would love to be my assertive old self and start something now, instead of wasting 1-3 weeks playing games. But I just don’t believe it can happen. I guess I will just have to go out this weekend and test it out. Look out boys (and please don’t run away).

27 Comments   Posted in Other Stories, Sex
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27 Comments on "He Said/She Said: Women Making the First Move"

  1. Erica - Kent State says:
    Thu, 19th Jun 20087:36 pm 

    I totally agree with “She” — I’ve never really been one to make the first move, but I have seen girlfriends do it & get hurt. I feel like the more I ignore a guy (even ones I DONT WANT to hook up with), the harder they try. IF I like them, this is awesome. If not, it can get pretty annoying/scary.

  2. Darcy says:
    Thu, 19th Jun 200811:50 pm 

    Yeah, I felt good about making the first move when I first got over my confidence problems and started to take charge. But then things soured fast, and I realized that guys don’t appreciate things they get easily, and I have to resignedly adopt to exactly what the “she” perspective mentioned, and learn to hold down my urges and play the stupid game, just to make sure I get what I want AND get what I deserve.

    It’s so bothersome, but I can’t seem to find a way around it.

  3. Kari - Florida State says:
    Fri, 20th Jun 200811:42 am 

    Chivalry might be dead to most of the male race, but the chase for sure is NOT. I’m 100% on the she-side here. Being forward = being desperate according to guys, and I’ve seen/experienced that approach crash and burn since my best friend kissed her crush on the playground in first grade. (He told on her–she got time out.)

  4. allyoueatiscookies says:
    Fri, 20th Jun 20086:14 pm 

    You should stop dating Neanderthals then.

  5. I KISS ALL GIRLS NOW says:
    Fri, 20th Jun 20086:21 pm 

    ALL THESE WOMAN ARE BATSHIT INSANE. GUESS WHAT LADIES I KISS ALL GIRLS ON THE FIRST DATE AND THEY RUNNING TO OLD NAVY TO TELL FREINDS (AND BUY SKORTS). PLAYING HARD TO GET IS A NONSENSE SPIRIT DREAM.

  6. Jake says:
    Fri, 20th Jun 20086:46 pm 

    Girls making the first move doesn’t make them look desperate or freak guys out. It shows confidence, playfulness and just general goodness. It’s hot and in my opinion should definitely be encouraged.

    http://factsandfriction.blogspot.com/

  7. Jake says:
    Fri, 20th Jun 20086:50 pm 

    Oh and that taking ages to answer a text or IM thing has no effect on me. Maybe other guys react better to it, to me it’s boring. Admittedly an immediate reply takes away some of the suspense that makes flirting so fun, but anything longer than half an hour/maybe an hour breaks up the fast paced tete-a-tete and interplay that also makes flirting great. My approach if a girl ‘refused my plans’ would be to cut my losses and find someone who wouldn’t.

    I’m interested to know what other guys think, I’m sure I’m not that different.

  8. Jake says:
    Fri, 20th Jun 20086:52 pm 

    Oops, I meant to make it clearer in my last comment that it would be after she refused more than once that I’d move on. I could handle her not seeming interested once, I’d step up my persuasion, but if it failed after that then I don’t think I’d bother. I don’t like the idea of being played or playing people.

  9. Jeff says:
    Fri, 20th Jun 200811:31 pm 

    As a shy guy i like the women to make the first move if it wasnt for guts i would not ogf meet my girlfriend who we have some much in commen with so i say girls go for it grab the bull by the horns go for the gold ring (figurativly) and as that guy out come on its post femrevalution guys some times like to be asked.

  10. Wu-TangDorkfoshizzle says:
    Sat, 21st Jun 20081:51 pm 

    Why don’t women ever want to hook up with some guys? We all have penises (some bigger than others ;)

  11. Wu-TangDorkfoshizzle says:
    Sat, 21st Jun 20081:55 pm 

    I’m good at doggystyle because I hump my desk to porno. Sometimes I even use pillows to practice picking chicks up while I pork them!

  12. Jake says:
    Sat, 21st Jun 20086:13 pm 

    This site has some odd commenters…

  13. SwissArmyBud says:
    Tue, 24th Jun 20082:22 am 

    I like girls to make the first move most of the time… of course if it’s the first date and the appetizer hasn’t gotten to the table and your foot is sliding up my leg, then we have a speed problem, but small, suggestive moves at the appropriate time can definitely shore up our confidence and indicate that a woman is ready to be approached physically… “He’s” totally right by the way… “We may not seem it, but we worry an awful lot about that, “What if she ducks when I go in for the contact?” stuff. That’s some ego-shattering sh*t.” Yes, yes it is.

  14. honesty says:
    Thu, 26th Jun 20089:46 pm 

    dont play hard to get..the guys that ran bc you were too forward were just pussies

  15. Duckeroo says:
    Wed, 16th Jul 20083:57 am 

    I’ve always found that these problems serve as excellent social weeding tools, giving me clues about a guy within minutes… If a guy is intimidated easily, and reacts in flight or flight mode to me just comfortably being me… then he’s not ready to be with me!!! Guys that I find worthwhile conveniently show their appreciation and admiration for things other than what they notice by glancing at the cover. As an avid book reader I can’t refrain from using the comparison of women and books.. i don’t want to be glanced at, skimmed! I want to be tenderly set by the bed as the last thing you read at night, and I want you to always use a book mark, and reread me so many times you have me memorized… Please don’t recommend me to your friends though… :P

  16. Steve says:
    Mon, 28th Jul 200811:55 am 

    To me, the first move is holding your hand. If I’m on a date and my girl holds my hand, then it makes me happy and I know there is a spark. It NEVER turns me off.

    I truly believe that women who say “men must do the chasing,” or “a woman should never pay for a date because men *like* to pay, are so very full of sh*t.

    You like somebody and you are getting the strong feeling that it probably is mutual? Then make the first move or take the ride to loserville.

    The problem with women making the first move is that in most cases they are doing it to some “hot” guy and they are not on a real date and the guy doesn’t even know she likes him! SOmehow they think that making “the first move” will get his guy to like them. Like hypnotism or something.

    Thank God men don’t think this way. “Yeah I know how to get this hot cheerleader chick to like me…I’ll go stick my tongue down her throat at a party! She’ll fall for me for sure!”

    Women…get this straight…..”making the first move” should be done only when there is an already established sense of attraction, NOT as a way of trying “to get” a guy.

  17. Some dude out of DE says:
    Sat, 23rd Aug 20085:04 am 

    yo, to be quite honest…..the she perspective is completely loco…….for some dudes, myself included, are not gonna make a progress move unless some kind of attraction or spark is there…….and if u hide that by playing hard to get (which most girls do) then u r just fucking u r self over. I mean, playing hard to get can and EEEEEASILY is misinterpreted (I’m guilty of it on multiple accounts). playing hard to get, (can be seen by some dudes) as silent rejection, or just a cold shoulder, when the girl is in the completely opposite mindset..

  18. Some dude out of DE says:
    Sat, 23rd Aug 20085:04 am 

    further more, when intentions are known it makes shit a hellalot easier…

  19. Zaida Rivera says:
    Fri, 29th Aug 20088:03 pm 

    I agree with Jake and all the ones that says that is ok for the girl to make the first move. sometimes guys are afraid of rejection and even shy to ask. but before you made the first move make sure you know that they guy is interested too. i just did that with a guy that I know for years and he was very happy to come up with the plans for the weekend and said he was looking forward for that. like a dude out of De said, when intentions are known it makes shit a hellalot easier…playing hard to get is for kids.

  20. Suzi says:
    Tue, 9th Sep 20081:54 pm 

    I’m going to go with She, just based on personal experience. I’m sure there are guys that like girls like that – hell, I’ve known some of them – but I’ve been told I come off as a domineering, bitchy snob to people who don’t know me when I’m just trying to be assertive. It probably doesn’t help that I’m 5′10″ in flats… and I usually wear heels. Apparently I’m intimidating.

  21. Ectara says:
    Mon, 27th Oct 200810:40 pm 

    I agree with the “He” side. I also don’t believe that the two sides should be able to comment on each other’s views. It is their views, not picking apart someone else’s to make a point. But back to the topic, I’m going to be a little more mature than some of the others on this. It can be a great deal of stress trying to make the first move. I hate when females play hard to get. If you are easy, do so. Don’t lie and waste my time; you aren’t my type anyway. If you really have human emotions and take time to fall in love with someone, then welcome aboard. Now, what I have to say on this is that I would very much like if a female made the first move. The only thing that would scare me off if I didn’t like a girl/didn’t know a girl, and she made a move on me. That would show a little lack of inhibition, and I would lose interest in a girl of that type. So I can see where you are getting your results if you go on a date, and go straight for the gold right after practically just meeting him.

  22. Kirsty says:
    Sun, 9th Nov 20083:41 pm 

    I actually agree with she because my mate treats boys like toys, she plays hard to get, then f*cks about with them, like cheats and boys still say they love her and stuff, they know what she does because she brags about it but they all want to take her out and get with her. Where as im nice to boys, a little shy but if i like a boy he tends to know about it but they never like me, its always my mate. its worse when i like them tho and their like.. so whats your mates number.. thats a killer =[

  23. O says:
    Tue, 11th Nov 20082:59 pm 

    No no! “Speaker-for-all-men” has a very good point!

    I HATE the “game” and the “chase”. It’s so pointless and time-wasting.

    The “She Said” girl is just what I’m looking for. A girl who doesn’t want to play games and do the “3 day rule” or just sit there and look pretty while rejecting advances from guys who she is attracted to but can’t act like she’s attracted to because she’ll come off too strong and then guys won’t be attracted to her.

    WHEWW! See?? It’s exhausting just to READ it.

    If you’re still stuck in the “men are the hunters” way of thinking then as a woman you should be a gatherer and stay home – barefoot and pregnant.

    But things are not like that anymore (thank god).

    In my 2 past relationships the girls made moves on me first…and our relationships were great! It showed that they had confidence (very sexy) and weren’t stuck in high-school dating mode.

    GO GET ‘EM GIRLS!

  24. Anna says:
    Sun, 30th Nov 20085:22 am 

    You know, I really think it depends on what you want from a relationship. When I was dating casually, my experience was that men could be sort of temporarily into women who were more forward. But it seemed that they did not take such women seriously, wanted to move things along at a slower pace with girls they actually liked. I was always more forward, but as it happened I met my husband at a time when I was not into dating at all. And that distance was very attractive to him. Weird, no?

  25. red says:
    Tue, 2nd Dec 20085:47 am 

    22yo swm — I honestly think I’m the most active slut here, so I feel I can contribute.

    First – Anna is right. For two reasons: 1) when we chase things a bit, we focus more attention on them, which leads to us being preoccupied and wanting them more (think shiny objects and their effect on dilating pupils); and 2) when you’ve had a lot of random sex and you find someone you actually might care for, you want to treat that person differently and separate them from the other memories.

    As for making the first move, three things:

    1) the girl should always do it — but not at a bar and usually no more than a good look, turn, or twist of the hair. If I meet you at a bar, we’re fucking, not in a relationship.

    2) guys who pick up on these signs at bars have done it before. which can really go either way for most people. watch for a subconscious increase in interest rather than a conscious acknowledgment of receiving your attention; those guys will either be clueless or sweet.

    3) some of us are used to striking up conversations with people. this doesn’t mean we’re extroverted; perhaps we’re acting. we’ve done this before and you might be training material. um, watch out. but just so you know, we’re pretty amazing.

    There’s a lot to be said for women making a strong first move. Lauren Bacall did it, and frankly there’s never been a more attractive woman. Plus, the strong move changes the relationship, making the attraction more open between partners. But there’s a difference between strong and easy, and much forwardness from girls falls among the latter. If you’re reading these articles for self-help, stick with being a gamine coquette with a wild smile.

    Um, as for being a slut, I’ve slept with well over eighty women in the past two years alone (don’t keep track, but you should see my phone) and frequently am asked for my number; I’m also writing this from bed with a “gamine coquette” I picked up on the subway tonight while she was sitting with her friend — I hate to be crude, but just to get the point across, it’s time for shower sex now and then she’ll be leaving; this is me multi-tasking, not that she’s complained, and any shallowness of relationship has little to do with who made the “first” first-move, but rather how little we’ll have in common after she’s left.

  26. RPG says:
    Tue, 9th Dec 20089:01 pm 

    I’m sorry, but if I go out with a girl and I don’t hear “I had a good time and would love to do it again” (or any sort of variation… “call me later”, whatever) then I assume she’s not interested. There are exceptions, sometimes it’s really obvious that she’s into you, but if she can’t be honest and forthcoming now, how do I know she’ll be honest and forthcoming with me later?

    The dynamic changes if either party is only interested in sex. If a girl approaches a guy and he runs, then he probably only wanted to hookup and he got thrown off his game.

  27. Horyuu says:
    Tue, 23rd Dec 200811:11 pm 

    I don`t mean to sound too philosophical, but it all depends on the person or people involved.

    Some people love “playing the field” but never getting serious.

    Some just want a good relationship and “none of this bullsh*t” as they say.

    As a guy, I can say that I would love to know ahead of time that things would work out or not. My best friend is also the only girl I’m interested in, so it poses a problem of the loss of friendship if one of us makes the first move.

    Think on it,

    The Fire Dragon: Horyuu

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