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The Master Cleanse, Game Over
So, uh, I quit. I quit Master Cleansing.
I tried to talk myself in to sticking it out. I really did. I kept telling myself all the little motivators I mentioned in my last update. I told myself that if all sorts of other people could do it, I damn well could. I told myself that not only were all my friends and family aware I was doing it, but I was broadcasting it on the internet – to quit would mean failure, and everyone would know.
But then I went to the gym. And I’m totally one of those sick people who genuinely enjoys the gym. I love to sweat, use my muscles, feel all strong and healthy and accomplished. And when I found myself sprawled out on the workout mats, head all fuzzy and discombobulated, too tired and pissed off to do a crunch or run on the treadmill, I thought, this is totally moronic. I’m miserable. I don’t care if I’m so loaded with fucking toxins that I mutate in to the Incredible Hulk, this Master Cleanse sh*t has got to stop.
So, I gathered up my stuff, walked out of the gym, walked to the closest cafe, bought a parfait, and f*%king chowed down. And it was AWESOME. Immediately, everything turned around. I was cheerful, happy, energetic, ready to run on the treadmill and hang out with my boyfriend and paint my room and do all the things that seemed utterly insurmountable while I was living off of f*%king syrup and lemon juice.
Believe me, I know it seems absurd that realizing eating is good was a revelation for me. But in theory the Master Cleanse sounded like such a great idea. Clean out your system! Rid yourself of all your ailments! Reset your body! And honestly, I talked to a number of people who did it and gave it rave reviews. But now I know that these people a) are superheroes, or b) have something profoundly wrong with them. Honestly.
Maybe if I had stuck it out for, like, one more day I would have reached the point where I could have ridden it out, but damn. Every day, it just got worse; I only got more pissed off and had less of a will to get out of bed. It wasn’t even like I was craving food, because I wasn’t, really. I was just exhausted and my brain was all messed up. I was obsessed with the Cleanse; it was all I could think about. Attempts at higher-level thinking, like decision-making or, say, processing something I had just read were damn near impossible. It was like I hadn’t slept in days, when really, sleeping was almost all I was doing.
I will say, though, that I’m glad I tried it. It’s something I needed to experience first hand, and if I had never done it, I would still believe all those people saying it’s glorious. Plus, even though I didn’t do it for the full duration, I still did get some of the benefits. Like, I haven’t wanted an energy drink at all, which just proves that my addiction to them is all in my head. And by not eating for a few days I’ve realized that a lot of times when I eat I’m not even hungry; it’s just force of habit. And I’ve learned that, if need be, I can toss back a quart of salt water, which I’m sure will make me some money somewhere down the line. (“No. No WAY you can chug that. I’ll give you ten bucks if you do.”)
Final conclusions about the Master Cleanse? Here’s what I’ve determined. Sure, it cleans out your body, to some degree, because you’re not putting anything in it. I don’t know about flushing out years worth of built up toxins or whatever, but your colon and intestines are probably squeaky clean. However, a similar effect could be achieved by drinking a fiber shake every morning, if you’re that concerned about it. And as someone mentioned in the comments on my first post about the Cleanse, you do have a new appreciation for food when you’re done because you haven’t had any in TEN DAYS.
And all those euphoric feelings and high energy levels that people reported having while on the Cleanse are probably result of being half-starved and running solely on maple syrup. Thinking about it now, I really can’t believe that consuming only that mixture seemed like a good idea. I get carried away sometimes.
So I guess that’s it. Like I said, I’m glad I did it, I learned some things, but the bottom line is, I need food. Period.
And Stanley Burroughs is a f*%king nutjob.
[That delectable photo is courtesy of cookingdonelight.com]
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Mary says:
Sat, 21st Jun 20088:40 am
i give you props for making it this far, i know i never could!
Britt says:
Sat, 21st Jun 200811:18 am
Awesome job on making it as long as you did. I think in order to lose weight one just needs to eat healthy and work out. So as long as you have those things in check you'll be doing your body wonders.
Elise says:
Sat, 21st Jun 20084:23 pm
So glad you spotted the gimmick-diet. Seriously, freaky diets fall into two categories:
1. weight-loss diets, which are designed to starve you and only succeed in making your body enter starvation-mode calorie-expenditure lockdown;
2. feel-better diets, which rely on starvation euphoria and are only functional if you're an average, sedentary person who probably doesn't need all that food.
Reading your description of this diet over the past week has made me want to save you from the stupidity of the world. I am SO GLAD to see that you've dropped it.
Jess says:
Sat, 21st Jun 20084:25 pm
just out of curiosity-how much weight DID you lose?
Audrey says:
Sun, 22nd Jun 20083:54 pm
Props to you for making it that long. I think I would have called Pizza Hut somewhere in the middle of day two.
Natalie says:
Sun, 22nd Jun 20085:41 pm
I tried that last year and the first day the salt water made me puke. Then the next day I tried again with just the tea and lasted two days, then I felt sick and weak and shaky, and I didn't care about the toxins anymore. I didn't feel good, so I quit.
Props for trying though!
Melissa says:
Tue, 24th Jun 200811:43 am
I did that for 2.5 days and wanted to die. I lost 6 pounds but it was NOT worth it. Props to you for going as long as you did!
Andrea says:
Fri, 11th Jul 20088:26 am
This is not a reduction DIET, Elise clearly did not read the first day did she? Euphia really? i am only gonna do this for 10 days but what about people who do it for 40… the guy who told me i should look into this fast does it for 40 days once or twice a year, he is very active and already slender, he is also a guitar teacher so he needs focus thru out the day and i have been to his classes while he was in the day 30's… he did not seem euphoric, he is very calm and talkative typicaly and he never seemed to be any different to me. at what point oh wise one do you feel euphoria would wear off? If it is all euphoria then that would mean a whole lot of will power, because all you could do it you were so hungry and pull over and get a chessebuger… who in the world has will power to starve them selves for 40 days? And when does this Euphoria set in, because i believe that it would take some time, clearly more than 4 days since you did not get it, right? but i am on day 3 for the second time around, i dont feel hungry and i dont feel euphoric… if i was hungry wouldn't i feel it now? its 10am and i still have not even had the drink this morning, but i need to go drink my tea(i know i could drink a quart of salt water, but i dont like it and i dont have to do it, so why but my self thru that… if i need more of a laxitive effect i could just add organice lemon rind… oh well i guess if you read the book you would have known)
seriously you should rethink doing this fast and making it 10 days, but you will need to get off the caffine first or put up with the downer feeling for 4 days, that is the longest it lasts but with better elimination it could be gone sooner. And you will be able to work out while you are on it and feel full of energy and able to just keep going, but you wont know until you do it RIGHT!
while your on it smells are totally rich and full, and when you are finished food has all the flavors it should, and you can really tell the difference between something cooked fresh and something pre-prepared or frozen. then it is exciting to eat more raw fruits and mix in more tasty veggies, and i understand the desire for organic foods, yummy.
Doug says:
Thu, 21st Aug 20081:43 pm
I'm on day 4 and I felt the euphoria on day 1 on the first drink. I got a huge buzz off of it. Energy levels are good and still hitting the gym regularly.
I'm doing more cardio & plyometric workouts. Lifting would cause tears in my muscle and the fast doesn't provide any protein to rebuild with.
I think those who are doing to lose weight are doing it for the wrong reason. This is a fast to detoxify your system and weight loss is a side affect.
Don't get me wrong, I love bad foods. Burgers, pizzas, dogs, booze and anything that has more than 200 calories by just sniffing it.
Props to you for recognizing that the fast wasn't for you and you weren't able to give up the "good" bad stuff.
Saman says:
Thu, 11th Jun 20095:10 am
hey…i soooooooooooooooooooo totally identify with all tht fatigue..and mental exhaustion..and not being able to think abt anything else but the cleanse..or all the good food m missing out on…m on day 5..oh and btw ..m doing this in India..so there is no maple syrup of any damned grade..so i simply add brown sugar..m not even sure if the cleanse will wrk this way..i have lost arnd 2.5 kgs in 5 days..but m almost sure i’ll regain it within 2 days once m off the cleanse..m sooo desperate to eat any and everything!!
buck says:
Fri, 7th May 20109:22 pm
I just finished 10 days of this cleanse and can feel ya. I Defiantly had that spacy forgetting what I was doing feeling almost every afternoon. I think you would have lasted longer if the Salt Water Flush was working for you. That is really where you flush out the toxins, for me it was gross but I looked forward to it cuz I always felt much better after it was done.
I made it 10 days and it was tough but I really do feel good now. I felt misserable for probably 70% of the time I was on it. I Never got the super euphoria thing.
At least you gave it a shot. For others who are contemplating this, you can do it if you really want to. Be sure to read the book and follow the directions. Get the actual "The Master Cleanser" book/pamphlet. It goes for 6 bucks and needs to be read and followed.
Henryy says:
Wed, 10th Aug 201111:35 pm
I am a girl. I am on my 5th day of the master cleanse. Today, I totally f-cked because I did not drink the lemonade all day, until now & all I did was the salt water flush. Yesterday, I ran out of lemons, so I had to get some energy. I'm really feeling guilty, but I do plan on finishing it because I will regret it & feel like a failure. I really hope that I can get back on track & finally get the energy to finally exercise. I relate to everything you just said. I just had to listen to my body, even though I was craving junk food. I think that I will be fine in a few days & I do plan on maintaining a healthy diet afterwards.